Archbishop Raymond Burke, a superstar of the Catholic Church who has led the Church in numerous statistics but has yet to wear the all important ring of a Cardinal, is scheduled tonight to decide what appointment to take in a televised announcement on EWTN at 9 p.m.

Rumors are swirling around over which post he’ll end up in. Every department in the Vatican as well as cities across the globe are vying for Burke’s services. Burke set up a Twitter account recently and wrote “Someday my peeps in St. Louis (Shout out!) might see me again” which excited Church fans all over St. Louis hoping to see their superstar again. But then an hour later Burke seemed to do a complete 180 by tweeting “Rome is where da’ ring’s at yo.”

EWTN is expecting its highest ratings yet with their one hour special which will be hosted by Marcus Grodi and Raymond Arroyo.

Archbishop Burke is expected to choose between staying as the head of the Vatican Supreme Court, acting as a member of the influential Congregation for Bishops — which recommends new bishops and archbishops to the Pope, being the Archbishop Emeritus of St. Louis. But the favorite right now has to be the one Pope Benedict XVI recommended recently which was becoming a member of the Vatican’s Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments.

The congregation for Divine Worship recently cleared some cap space and other members agreed to take pay cuts if it meant getting Burke onto their team. But some Vatican experts still insist that nobody should rule out St. Louis which has sent an email petition to Rome begging the superstar Archbishop to “return to where he had his best years.”

The National Catholic Reporter is speculating (hoping?) that Abp. Burke would end up in a cloistered environment with a vow of silence. The world awaits news but will have to wait for the 9 p.m. special on EWTN.

(This is a joke mocking all the hubbub over Lebron James. None of it is true.)