Starting May 22nd, I am so getting a dirt bike and maybe a tattoo. Oh, on second thought maybe I will just beat up Duran Duran or the cast of Glee. Oh, there might be a few neighbors whose bushes die an unexplained death 😉

I can do whatever I want that day and all 150 days that remain after that. I am doomed to hell anyway because the gates of heaven are going to be shut May 21, 2011. A whopping five months before the end of the world on October 21, 2011.

Team Camping is still sticking to their prediction that they have figured out that end of the world is this October with the gates of heaven putting up the no vacancy sign starting May 21.

This group says God will destroy Earth by fire this October. But they say the real end is coming next month when – according to this group – the doors to redemption will be shut.

“May 21 is when God shuts the door to salvation and that’s the beginning of gods wrath,” said Johnny Dennis. He spends most of his free time pouring over the Bible. In studying the word so closely, he says he and others have been able to calculate the world’s end.

“On October 21, the “Feast of Tabernacles, is when God destroys this world by fire,” he said.

How exactly does it work if you are saved? Do you get a ticket on the rapture express or do you have to hang around for five months with all the rabble?

I have mixed feelings about these folks. One the one hand they choose believe in the hair-brained algorithm of a civil engineer turned doomsday prophet. Harold Camping, you may remember unsuccessfully predicted (as far as we can tell) the end in ’94 on to have ’95 come anyway. But this time, he has the formula down!

The number 5, Camping concluded, equals “atonement.” Ten is “completeness.” Seventeen means “heaven.” Camping patiently explained how he reached his conclusion for May 21, 2011.

“Christ hung on the cross April 1, 33 A.D.,” he began. “Now go to April 1 of 2011 A.D., and that’s 1,978 years.”

Camping then multiplied 1,978 by 365.2422 days – the number of days in each solar year, not to be confused with a calendar year.

Next, Camping noted that April 1 to May 21 encompasses 51 days. Add 51 to the sum of previous multiplication total, and it equals 722,500.

Camping realized that (5 x 10 x 17) x (5 x 10 x 17) = 722,500.

Or put into words: (Atonement x Completeness x Heaven), squared.

On the other hand, some of these people are sincere yet profoundly deluded on the fact that anyone can know the date and hour since God has expressly said otherwise.

Anyway, on the off chance that Camping has it right and starting May 22 I am beyond redemption, I am totally getting that dirt bike because it is so much cooler than a moped. Way cooler. I bet they don’t have dirt bikes in heaven anyway. Mopeds maybe, but not dirt bikes.