The baby of the family, my sister, just had her first child. Hooray!!
Matthew and I are so excited for the newest addition to the family and my Mother’s 20th grandchild. Hooray again!
My sister has been around nieces and nephews since she was a youngin’ herself. So Matthew and I assumed that she knows all there is to know about babies.
We were wrong. Of course, there are some things that you can only learn from doing it yourself. So there is lots of advice for first time mothers from other mothers. But we decided that we, as awesome dads, should tell the young mom’s what to expect.
So you just gave birth, which I gotta tell you does not look like a whole lot of fun. So why in heaven’s name would any woman ever have another child. Answer?
Lesson 1. Girls are stupid. Either that or there is some magic hormone that makes women forget all about the trials of pregnancy and childbirth. Truth is, you will not even remember that I wrote this. The magic hormone erases all the negatives from your mind. I don’t know how it works but I am convinced that it is the same magic hormone that never lets my wife forget anything that I have ever done wrong. Ying. Yang. Babies good. Husbands bad. You remember what you want to remember, that is the way it works.
Lesson 2. Don’t expect to bond with your baby immediately. You just gave birth to a hairless rat that gives no emotional feedback whatsoever. Your body…
May 20, 2011 at 5:54 am
*sarcasm alert*
Tasteless (although I have to admit Lesson 6 is spot on:)
I guess I shouldn't expect much more coming from a man and all. If you think birthing is so easy maybe you'd care to fit a watermelon out somewhere it has no human right to come from?
Yeah, I thought that image would leave you speechless.
And infant shoes? They're C*U*T*E*…If you hubbies don't like that we buy them for the babe then maybe we should stop buying other cute things for you..Yup, I put cute before your accoutrements…
Thanks for the raz, Patrick. Please do your sister a favor and don't visit her until her baby's like 1 year old or something:)
May 20, 2011 at 8:52 am
Poetry! Pure poetry! A++++++++++++++++++++
May 20, 2011 at 11:43 am
I think you two have some things to work out 😉
May 20, 2011 at 4:42 pm
Let's just remember that Patty just had a baby 6 months ago and Mike just watched her have a baby 6 months ago. Patty may have the upper hand in this argument. It's the whole watermelon thing she was talking about.
Thanks for the laugh, Patrick! And congratulations to your sister and your whole family.
May 21, 2011 at 2:24 am
Hey Honey,
you'll shoot your eye out…
May 21, 2011 at 2:30 am
Cracks me up that so many commenters over @ the Register got so bent out of shape by this post! Congrats to your sister!
May 22, 2011 at 5:31 pm
So, I have this idea. You already have the names – Pat and Matt. You could do a radio show called "Cath(olic) Talk" (I have no idea whether this is offensive or not since I'm a recent convert; I plead ignorance pretty regularly) where callers could ask you questions about a variety of subjects. I think there's real potential here.
May 23, 2011 at 1:01 am
@PattyinCT: "I guess I shouldn't expect much more coming from a man and all. If you think birthing is so easy maybe you'd care to fit a watermelon out somewhere it has no human right to come from?" The incongruity of the graceful words with the gruesome image…sheer poetry.