A new parent asked me for advice. I told him that parenting five children has taught me exactly one nugget of wisdom – dont take your little kids on expensive trips because they won’t remember them. I mean, nothing. They won’t remember the car you drove there. They won’t remember the pool they loved. They won’t remember the fact that you waited in line for 17 hours to meet a costumed character so they could experience one moment of underwhelming sorta’ confused happiness.

In fact, my advice to parents is don’t do much of anything until they get a phone because then they’ll be able to take pictures or call child services so you’ll be forced to be a good parent then.