We’ve all heard of The Five People You Meet in Heaven—a touching story about meaningful encounters in the afterlife.

This is not that.

This is the list of five people where, if I die, open my eyes, and they’re the first thing I see, I’m immediately checking for flames, screaming, or at least a Yelp review of the afterlife because something has clearly gone wrong.

5) Jeffrey Dahmer
You remember Dahmer: 17 victims, plus a résumé that reads like Satan lost a bet.

What you might not remember is that in prison, Dahmer found religion. He met with a minister, got baptized—in what I can only describe as the world’s least relaxing jacuzzi experience—and claimed he found peace in God’s forgiveness shortly before being murdered by another inmate.

So yeah, if I get to Heaven and Dahmer’s there, I’m not immediately comforted. I’m not like, “Ah, yes, paradise.” I’m like, “Cool, cool… quick question: is this the rehabilitation wing of Heaven? Is there a map? A different Heaven? Maybe a Heaven with a background check?”

4) Dutch Schultz
A Prohibition-era mob boss whose hobbies included murder, extortion, and being the human version of a switchblade.

After being shot by rivals, Schultz spent his final hours rambling so wildly that police literally transcribed it like it was the Dead Sea Scrolls of nonsense. He talked about his mom, bean soup, and dropped what might have been the coordinates to buried treasure, which immediately caused half of New York to grab shovels and ruin upstate forests forever.

Then, in a rare moment of clarity, this lifelong Jewish gangster asked for a Catholic priest, got baptized, and received last rites.

So if you see him in Heaven, don’t panic. Just casually ask where the treasure is, because if eternity has taught me anything, it’s that Heaven still doesn’t pay great.

3) Oscar Wilde
Wilde spent most of his life being brilliantly witty, dramatically controversial, and operating at a level of theatrical intensity normally reserved for people who travel with capes.

Then, on his deathbed, he converted to Catholicism.

Some people see that as poetic. I see it as: now I have to spend eternity with the most extra human being ever created.

Meeting Wilde in Heaven would feel like your first day at a new school where the theater kid immediately adopts you. Suddenly you’re in a conversation about velvet, tragedy, and the soul of wallpaper, and all you want is to find someone who owns a normal shirt.

2) Rudolf Höss
Look, when I picture Heaven, I’m thinking clouds, peace, maybe a harp. I am not thinking “high-ranking Nazi.” That’s just not in my top ten.

Höss wasn’t just any Nazi; he ran Auschwitz. That’s not a side quest. That’s the main storyline of human horror.

And yet, before his execution, he reportedly returned to Catholicism, confessed, and received last rites. So yes, technically, there’s a version of events where you arrive in Heaven and that guy is already there.
I’m not saying theology is wrong. I’m just saying if I see him, I’m immediately asking for a supervisor angel and maybe a different cloud.

1) Bob Dylan
Okay, this one is personal. I’m glad Dylan found faith. I hope he lives forever. I hope he writes a thousand beautiful songs praising God.

I just hope—deeply, spiritually, urgently—that he does not sing them.

Because imagine eternity: a perfect heavenly choir, voices like crystal… and then Dylan steps up like a goat with a harmonica and just crowbars his way through every hymn.

And because it’s Heaven, nobody can be rude. No one can say, “Hey Bob, maybe sit this one out.”

So it just goes on. Forever.

And suddenly Hell isn’t fire; it’s being stuck in the front row of that concert with no exits.

If Heaven has sections, I’m requesting one that’s slightly less… surprising.