Might I make some suggestions?

Listen, I’ve been screaming into the void for years while you were still debating whether Area 51 was hiding weather balloons or just really dedicated cosplayers. Now CIA officials are out here saying the aliens are here. Well, they’re not exactly saying it in official PowerPoint form, but they’re also not punishing the people who are saying it. In Washington speak, that’s basically a neon sign that reads “We’d like you to hear this.”

No pictures, no hard evidence, just vibes. But yeah, bro. It’s totes real.

And these aren’t tourist aliens popping by for a quick selfie with the Grand Canyon. They’re involved. Deeply. Because if you pause for even one second and look at the world in 2026, it does not look like the work of an intelligent species that figured out fire and the internet. It looks like an extraterrestrial practical joke that escaped the lab and went full Idiocracy.

Our politics are what happens when you spike the global water supply with Vodka and Reddit. Trump vs. Kamala? Biden? Pick your fighter. Half the country is screaming at clouds while the other half wants to marry them. Billionaires are building escape rockets while the rest of us argue about whether we need 37 genders or if we should add new ones based on how the wind feels on Tuesdays. This isn’t regular human stupidity anymore. This is engineered.

We used to blame the devil for our dumbest decisions. Classic move. “The devil made me buy the third Xbox.” “The devil made me start that cult.” Simple. Biblical. Low accountability.

Now we’ve got the deluxe package: “Bro, it was the aliens.”

Economy in shambles? Aliens.

People eating Tide pods and raw chicken on camera for likes? Aliens.

Every new smartphone making you more miserable and addicted while promising connection? Aliens farming your dopamine like it’s premium space cocaine.

That guy who’s wrong about everything but has a million followers? Alien probe in a human skin suit.

Reality TV still existing? Not even Satan has that kind of cruelty. That’s Grey alien shit.

Humans left unsupervised invent the wheel, pizza, and rock and roll. We peak at The Simpsons seasons 1-8 and then coast. Everything after that, including the soul-crushing algorithms, the 24/7 rage cycle, “influencer” as a legitimate career, has the greasy fingerprints of some eight-dimensional being laughing at us from orbit.

So next time you do something terminally dumb, just shrug and own the new party line: “The aliens made me do it.” Bulletproof. The government basically cosigned it.

Let’s be honest though. Blaming aliens is way more convenient than blaming demons. Demons would imply we bear some responsibility for our own clown behavior. Aliens? Perfect. No guilt required. Just kick back in your lawn chair, shake your fist at the sky, and wait for the little green (or grey) bastards to either fix everything or admit they broke it.

Who needs Jesus, the one who actually asks something of you, when you can just park your ass on the grass and look upward for answers? That’s clearly what the CIA wants. Pass the popcorn. The show’s just getting good.