My family and I go to a diner most Sundays after church. It’s our big event of the week and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Recently, two women sitting at an adjacent table engaged in a lengthy conversation about how crazy my wife and I must be to have four children. They didn’t care if we heard. “Oh my God, I would go crazy,” she said. “Why would you have so many? It’s just…indecent.”
She had searched for that word. And sadly I think she meant it. She wasn’t trying to be shocking or speak hyperbolically for a laugh. The other woman agreed and shook her head.
I saw my seven year old girl listening to them. She understood the words but I saw in her face that she didn’t really comprehend the cruelty beneath it. I was glad for that. But sad that one day she would understand. My wife just smiled at me.
There is a divide in America. It’s talked about incessantly on television and in the press. They say it’s Republicans vs. Democrats, pro-life vs. pro-choice, and haves vs. havenots. But I think it’s something deeper. The divide in this country is between those of faith and those without faith.
It is evidenced in all those other things including how we vote, how we live, how many children we have, where they go to school but the underlying basis is faith. Do you have faith in God or not?
I believe in God. I am a punch line for the secular elite.
It’s amazing the reaction my children and I cause when we go out. Last Saturday, my wife and I took the kids to the mall. As we were walking with our seven year old, our five year old, our four year old, and our two year old an elderly woman said loudly to her husband, “Oh no. I think she’s pregnant with another one.” My wife and I looked at each other and smiled because she is.
The divide can even pop out among people we believe are our friends. When I was a reporter my wife first became pregnant. Most people said congratulations. One reporter who I’d always liked and believed to be a kindred spirit came to me truly shocked. “How could you bring a child into this world?” he asked.
I laughed because I thought he was joking. He wasn’t. So I told him I’d like to be able to field at least a basketball squad. It was his turn to laugh believing I was joking. I wasn’t.
I’ve long since given up the newspaper business and am now a stay-at-home Dad. I work from home on my computer where I spend most of my day fending my two year away from the power switch on my computer.
We make choices in life. Did I ever think this was the road my life would take? Not a chance. Would I trade it? Never.
On Thursday I took my two year old in to the doctor’s office. I counted heads as we walked into the elevator and dealt with pleas from my children to be able to push the button when a hand suddenly pushed in through the doors to prevent their closing. A little red haired older woman stood there leaning on a walker smiling. “I just had to tell you, you have the most beautiful family,” she whispered conspiratorially, “I think what you’re doing is wonderful. You just don’t see big families anymore.”
She whispered that she had 14 grandchildren and two on the way. She whispered “God bless,” waved and let the doors close.
There is a divide in this country. My side seems to smile a lot more. But we also whisper nice things while mean things are said loudly. Perhaps we should keep smiling but raise our voices a little more.
April 12, 2007 at 8:19 am
Thanks again for another amusing and thought provoking post. I should have said this before disagreeing to a minor point in an earlier post, but I enjoy your witty approach to parenting.
Thinking and laughing at the same time? Gold I say, Gold!
April 12, 2007 at 3:12 pm
You are generous. You believe in something beyond your self, beyond your own comfort and plans.
Not to be crude, but the secret, of course, is that the secular elite does not have sex. They don’t enjoy it, they stopped enjoying it long ago, when it became recreation. It is something to put up with now.
Their loss, wouldn’t you say?
April 12, 2007 at 5:03 pm
Thanks guys. As far as thinking and laughing go, my wife would say I probably do too much laughing and not enough thinking.
April 12, 2007 at 10:10 pm
I’m a mom of six, step mom to three, so nine total. We get tons of comments and hurtful remarks, especially if we go out with the nine kids and the five grandkids, who are all the same age as my own kids.
You are doing what God wants you to do, even though it’s so hard right now.
Came here from Danielle Bean.
April 13, 2007 at 12:22 am
Carmen,
Welcome and thanks for the encouragement. I can’t even imagine the looks your crew must get. That is great.
April 13, 2007 at 12:35 am
Came here from my friend Mary’s site. Together DH and I have 7 children: 3 are his, 3 are mine and one is ours. One is on his own now, and 2 of them are 17. The rest range in age from 15 down to 6. We rarely have more than 3 at a time anymore, but when they were little we got all kinds of strange looks and remarks, although I don’t think we ever had the kind of loud, cruel comments you had at the diner. May God continue to bless you and your family.
Christine
April 13, 2007 at 2:41 am
FINALLY! the post I’ve been searching for, or wanting to write myself, is here! I am a homeschooling mom of 4 with number 5 on his/her way. I am a cradle Catholic and my husband, a convert. We love our faith and we LIVE it! I think we are funny, approachable, down to earth people. But none of that matters it seems to the strangers and friends and family alike who go out of their way to make us feel like complete weirdo/loser/nutbags! I have a post on my blog titled “Are you done yet? and other stupids things people say” But I haven’t as of yet been able to articulate how these things hurt and why they get said in the first place. This post of yours has done the trick. The problem is, though I agree with you completely that it is a divide between belief and non belief, why is it then, that many of the “comments” we get come from “believers”. Most of the time the comments Tim and I receive come from the mouths of our church going Catholic family members…are they non-believers? I feel comfortable here, anonymously, to say technically, yes. But the problem is that you DARE not even allude to this in the presence of said family members. That is the hardest part of it all it seems to me. I can always brush off rude remarks from strangers and laugh at their ignorance. But, when it comes from my fellow Catholic brothers and sisters, saying things like “girl, what’s wrong with you? don’t you know about birth control?” or “don’t tell me you actually are going by that don’t contracept thing are you?” or “what are you thinking? are you nuts?” I always am at a total loss for words. I always prepare myself with some great comebacks before Tim and I and the kids go to a large family event. But when we get there and the comments come all I can ever get out of my mouth is something lame like “well, we’ll leave it up to God” smile and walk away…LAME! What’s really weird is that by nature I am one of the most loud mouthed outspoken people I know and yet I become a mouse in these moments.
And another thing while I’m at it. If you are a larger than average family then I have learned that you are NEVER allowed to complain about parenthood or the kids etc. It is normal to hear a group of moms vent a little amongst themselves at a party or function about the daily rigors of motherhood and family life. Everybody chuckles and commiserates. Not so, for the moms of larger than average broods. We get a lot of “I told you so’s” and “hey you chose to keep havin’ em” type comments. It’s like they WANT you to play into their whole idea of more=misery concept. I learned a while back not to fall into this trap. Even if life at home has got me ready to rip all my hair out and run for the hills, when people say “Kris I bet it’s nuts or hard or terrible etc for you?” I just say “oh no, it’s not bad at all – we have a lot of fun – you know big families always have the most fun!” or something similar. Their eyes fall outta their heads! Some weeks there could be nothing further from the truth. But hell if I’m gonna let them know that! Besides, there isn’t the time to extol all the deeper, more hidden and often delayed benefits, and joys of sacrificing oneself for the sake of family and God. I could tell them how my soul has a deep peace and burning love which fills it more and more with each new little person who enters our family. Or I could say “We have a BLAST!” so considering these people tend to aspire to shallow satisfaction (considering their comments) I stick with the latter.
April 13, 2007 at 3:02 am
This is a great post. I have four children that are 6 and under. The thing I never understand is what makes people think that it is acceptable to ask these rude questions… most people would never ask strangers personal questions regarding their values, but people somehow feel that it is acceptable to publicly question the choice of a large family. I’m still trying to think of that automatic response for people that ask these questions.
Now that we have moved from New England to the Midwest, we get many more positive comments about our large family to cancel out these rude interjections.
April 13, 2007 at 5:55 am
When pregnant with my fifth child, a co-worker actually said to me, “Well, congratulations…I guess.” I will not apologize for having five children, nor do I want to. “How can you afford them?” is an often asked question. My usual response is that if one waited until they could afford to have kids, no one would ever have them.
I never thought 5 kids would be considered a large family. To me, it just seemed normal. I grew up with families that had 11, 12 and 13 kids (while my own only had 4) and I wouldn’t have it any other way. If God wants to entrust me with these 5 little lives, who am I to say no?
God bless!
April 13, 2007 at 5:57 pm
Oh my, if a family of FOUR is indecent than what is a family of twelve children??
My husband and I have been very blessed and we have 12 beautiful children ranging from 24 years down to 2 years. The question we field the most is – will you have more?
My answer is – “If we can, and it is the Lord’s will – yes.”
I notice that someone above made the comment that ‘secular elite does not have sex. They don’t enjoy it, they stopped enjoying it long ago, when it became recreation.’
I must respectfully disagree with that they no longer have sex, but rather I believe it is more a matter of birth control.
When we first started getting comments such as “Don’t you have a tv?” it got me thinking. Yes, we have a tv – but we also have respect for life, a love for God and a wish to be open to HIS will, rather than an urge to in complete control of everything in my life including my fertility.
It is not a matter of who is having more sex but rather who is open to life and the side effect of sex – beautiful babies!
April 13, 2007 at 7:26 pm
mum2twelve,
First off, congratulations on your beautiful family.
Of course I don’t mean to speak about every single secular elite etc, but frequently when someone makes a hateful comment about the size of a family, too often Catholics look at themselves and reaffirm that they ARE doing the right thing, instead of looking at the emptiness of someone who goes out of their way, in an especially rude manner, to belittle a happy family that is not bothering anyone. Sometimes someone might make just an offhand comment, because it is true that to see a large family is not as frequent as it used to be. But when the comment is as deliberate as it was in the blog, I have to wonder, why do they go to that trouble? It belies the lack of love in their own life. I think that, paradoxically, those who use birth control have less sex in their life, and are therefore less satisfied and jealous and angry about that. Think if you were married, and hadn’t had sex in 18 months (not an uncommon situation in my estimation), how you would feel as the evidence of love, life and happiness that eludes you comes rolling in and sets up camp in the booth next to you?
I also tend to think that more than a faith divide, it is really a generosity divide – those who are generous, and those who are not. And that divide definitely cuts across those who claim to have faith and those who make no such claim.
Congratulations to all you wonderful mothers out there, and I’m volunteering for babysitting duty! But I’m also remaining anonymous! 🙂 God bless you.
“you can’t trace this IP, can you?”
April 14, 2007 at 12:07 am
Mom of 5 here…
To all the well intentioned “You have your hands full!” comments, I reply, “Yes, hands full of blessings!”
With a grateful smile on my face…
April 15, 2007 at 8:08 pm
When I first started reading I thought “Oh they probably have 12 kids”….but then you mentioned you have four. Only four!!!! My goodness, that’s not indecent, it’s a starting point.
Reminds me of an article I read some months ago by Rabbi Shumley which basically said the same thing you did here.
http://www.wnd.com/news/printer-friendly.asp?ARTICLE_ID=49074
I can’t believe people would be so cruel. Ok, actually, I can, but I don’t want to.
April 16, 2007 at 5:31 pm
I came to this post through my daughter who was our first of six living, and thirteen total children. She now has two and another halfway here. Our children range in ages from 26 to 4. When I was told “Are they all yours?”, my usual reply with a broad smile was “Yes, aren’t they beautiful!” And I would give whichever chld was with me a big hug. If the comment was especially cruel I would also tell my child how much I loved her/him very much and wouldn’t trade her/him for anything in the world! The children learn quickly that not everyone in the world is a nice person. They also learn very quickly how much you love them. And I am here to tell you that my daughter is now doing the same thing! You CAN change this world one life at a time, one family at a time!
GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU PARENTS AND FAMILIES!
April 17, 2007 at 10:25 pm
Thank you for saying so well what I couldn’t. I have been on the receiving end of a few comments before from some people who meant well and others who didn’t. Now I can fall back on your words of wisdom.
April 21, 2007 at 11:37 pm
I can only write with sadness that we never were aware of how God really wanted us to live and love. Back in the 70’s when we were married, I was ignorant of what contraception was, and thought I didn’t want kids right away or too many of them. To make matters worse, our priest who married us, saidto contracept was our choice, and as long as we were ‘alright with it’ in our own conscience, then it was “fine.” Now, some 31 years later, how I suffer knowing the loss of children we might have had, and that maybe did begin and were aborted without me knowing it.
Bless you and keep “overpopulating the world” because we need MORE FAITHFUL CATHOLIC priests and religious!! I’m sure some of your precious babies will be just that! Hallellujah!
Blessings,
susie
please see my August 2006 post
http://revertconvert.blogspot.com/2006_08_01_archive.html
June 5, 2007 at 2:55 am
I loved reading not only your post, but the comments as well! I have to complain, however. I am the mom of 6 children, however three are in the arms of Jesus, and so, when you look at my family all you can see is three girls. I would love to be in the shoes of you large families, but it doesn’t seem to be God’s will for me.
Do me a favor, then, you large families, when they criticize you, smile at them for me!
Thanks!
June 18, 2007 at 1:11 pm
Congratulations!! We are happy to be an indecent family here in Uruguay too. We should make a club. In our case, we are ten, 8 boys and 2 girls.
You are all invited to our family blog: http://siuvers.blogspot.com/ .
It´s mostly in spanish, but you will enjoy it. Don´t miss our VW van!!
June 18, 2007 at 5:16 pm
J.A.
Wow! 8 boys and 2 girls!
I have my 5th on the way the same as Matthew. I guess these are just starter families to you.
I will check out your blog, but I must admit my spanish is a little rusty.
June 18, 2007 at 11:46 pm
Thanks for your answer. Don´t worry about the spanish. Looking at the photos is funny enough.
Talking about indecent families, I´ve found an interesting blog from a french mother called “mère indigne”. It´s very funny.
And also, in our own indecent family, St. Josephmary (vid. http://www.opusdei.org) spends a very good time!!!