Mother of four and grandmother to nine, Patty McCarty put her disdain for the Pope, The Church, the mass, and the Eucharist on display at the National Catholic Reporter.

Ms. McCarty, a copy editor for NCR, thinks that she is eminently qualified to say the Latin Mass because she played with dolls as a child.

We learned to move our dolls about the altar, to the Epistle side, to the Gospel side, bow in the center. I was young and impressionable and I paid attention.

So I think I could preside at Mass. If called upon.

She tops it off with this.

And probably the only people racketing around and ready to turn our backs to the congregation and pray those Latin prayers are retirement-age priests with long memories and folks taught by sisters in pre-Vatican II Catholic schools.

I’ve been faithful to the pope’s requests in the past. As a Communion minister, some time ago, at the pope’s request, I gave up washing the dishes — excuse me, cleansing the sacred vessels after Mass.

And although I’m the mother of four grown children and the grandmother of nine, I’ve lived a celibate life for longer than I lived a married life. If celibacy is valued, that should count for something.

I just want the pope to know I’m ready if called upon.

I can’t wait to twirl around in that cape — excuse me, cope at Benediction.

Pardon me grandma, but your contempt is showing. I am glad my grandma only baked cookies.