I’m a man. So therefore I keep score. Of everything.
I could go days upon days secretly tallying my efforts and comparing them to my wife’s efforts. In my mind, she typically comes up a little short.
I think of making breakfast for the children, helping them get dressed, searching for a lost shoe, running outside in my slippers to turn the car on to warm up the van, feeding the baby, driving to school, returning home with two children still in tow, trying to get work done on the computer, doctor appointments, handling telephone meetings with screaming children in the background who seem to raise their decibel level the moment I say “Hello” on the phone.
And every once in a while I fit time in to picture my wife driving to work listening to her favorite cd’s and drinking coffee. You see, feeling wronged and under appreciated is one of my all time favorite habits. I’m quite good at it.
So last week I’m on my way to pick up the kids from school and I was listening to sports radio and one of the hosts mentioned that the team that lost looked like it was playing for a tie and that was surely the best way to lose. And that comment hit me. I’d been playing for a tie.
I was living so as to do half of what needed to be done and making sure my wife did her half as well. But it occurred to me on that little trip back to school that playing for a tie was no way to live. It is most assuredly a way to make yourself miserable, however. It keeps you tallying an abacus of efforts. And pretty soon, you just end up focusing on what your spouse is not doing.
I’ve heard the term a 50/50 relationship but I’m not sure that path to a successful relationship is found there. I think a successful marriage needs to be 100/100 effort on both sides. You’re either all in or don’t join.
I am no longer playing for a tie and now I noticed my wife the other day playing a board game with the children while I attempted to finish up an overdue project on my computer and I noticed the meals she worked hard to create (with vegetables!).
I’m more focused on what I do now and therefore seeing more clearly all that she does. I don’t limit my efforts for fear of doing more than my wife. I’m not keeping score anymore. I’m unconcerned with who’s winning, who’s losing. I’m not playing for a tie and I think we’re winning because of it.
April 14, 2008 at 4:40 pm
When both sides attempt to give more than they take, and goes happily about it, you’re right it’s useless keeping score. I think my wife gives more a lot of times that I don’t readily notice, and when she shows a hint of annoyance I quickly rack up my percentages. whew.
April 14, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Talk about hitting the nail on the head! Thanks for your insights and reminders. As a working-from-home/stay-at-home mom, this internal stuggle is very true for me as well. I often forget to step back and see what a wonderful man I married: he does dishes, he plays with his kids, he runs errands, he cooks, and he puts up with my unreasonable schedule which requires him to be in charge a lot more than most dads are expected to. When I find myself tempted to complain to a girlfriend, I often (not always)catch my self and think, “I wonder what this woman’s husband has done for her/the household/the kids lately and am I going to make her feel worse about her situation?” (for no husband can measure up to mine, to be sure).
Again thanks for your thoughts. I have to go put away my score pad now and go call Chris and thank him for making the kids’ lunches today…
April 14, 2008 at 7:39 pm
My former wife was the one who kept score in our house. At the end of the day, everybody lost. Especially our son. That was eighteen years ago, so we’re doing fine now, thank you.
April 14, 2008 at 8:55 pm
Lovely wisdom! Reminds me of a priest I heard once who commented, “Everybody knows that marriage is about giving, right? He has to give his 50% and she has to give her 50% to make the marriage work, right? Wrong! You can’t survive in a 50% marriage! Marriage is about both spouses giving 100%! Did Jesus give His 50% and then sit back and say, ‘okay, everybody, your turn’? No! He gave it all. That’s our example — to give it all and never count the cost. The true business of marriage is not who does the dishes and who puts gas in the car, it’s how you help each other on the way to heaven. And that takes 100%.”
April 14, 2008 at 9:23 pm
Thanks guys. You’re right, Jesus didn’t hop off the cross halfway through and say “Ok, whose turn now?”
He gave all. And I think that’s the toughes part of Christianity and the most misunderstood. Giving all is a radical devotion.
April 15, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Excellent point. We always try to cover this when we speak to our NFP students or when we talk at Pre-Cana.
April 15, 2008 at 1:40 pm
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