I was thinking, reminiscing really, about my life before marriage and kids and the joy that they have brought me. My marriage is the most wonderful blessing a good God could have ever bestowed on me. Oh sure, we have had our bumps in the road. But patience, faith, and a fair amount of learning have smoothed over most of the rough spots. Most of them.
There remain a few items about which my better half and I cannot seem to agree. In these few cases I am absolutely convinced that my logic is flawless and my cause just. The thing is, so does my wife.
We have been over these things time and time again but nothing ever changes. It is a classic case of an irresistible force meeting an immovable object. The result of the clash between the two hypotheticals is garbage. Yes, garbage.
It is [ostensibly] my job to take out the garbage. Regular garbage on Mondays and Thursdays and recyclables on Wednesday. The recyclables alternate, bottles and cans one week and newspaper and cardboard the next. Simple really. I make no argument that this is a simple task, I will stipulate that this is an easy job. I have nothing against taking out the garbage. Nope, don’t mind it at all. The thing is, I simply forget sometimes. Ok, I forget a lot. My wife never forgets.
This is where we run in to problems. The simple solution to this simple problem is that the party of the first part (my wife who never forgets) should simply remind the party of the second part (well meaning but charmingly forgetful me) to take out the garbage. Doesn’t this make sense to everyone?
But things are not that simple. No, my remembering the garbage sans reminder is a referendum on me as a husband, a father, and even a Christian. The argument goes, “If you really loved me [us] taking out the garbage would be important to you and you wouldn’t need reminding! You remember other things you care about. Like writing on your BLOG!” Logically therefore, since I occasionally forget to take out said garbage and I usually remember to write on the blog, the blog is more important than my family and I am the world’s most uncaring and cold garbage collector.
How is it that taking out the garbage is the yard stick by which is measured my capacity for love? For my part, I resist and categorically dismiss the absurd notion that this one endearing little flaw has any bearing on my capacity for love or my reigning status as “World’s #1 Dad!” (I have a mug to prove the title.)
Were this the only referendum on my status of superior bridegroom we could laugh off as one of those delightful little peculiarities that give marriage a certain charm, simply agreeing to disagree. But alas, it seems like it is only the first front in a war against my raffish manliness. A more pernicious assault on my status of great husband has arisen. This time, a line in the sand must be drawn.
Prior to my current role as World’s #1 Dad, I really enjoyed going to the movies by myself. No distractions. Me. Movie. Good. Understandably, this preference for solo cinema need taper once joined in holy matrimony. Taper. Reduce, ok. Eliminate? No way.
Last year, when the blockbuster movie “Dark Knight” hit theaters I was very excited to see it. My wife, sensing this excitement, elicited from me the promise not to go to the theater to see it without her. “I want to share your excitement,” she said, “Wouldn’t you rather see it with me?”
Since I am no fool I readily but reluctantly agreed that the experience would be so much better in the company of my beloved spouse. Weeks went by. Opportunities to go to the movie missed. No babysitter. Kids are sick. Too tired. Weeks into months and the movie was gone from theaters. I passed the husband test but missed the movie.
Imagine my delight last week when the movie was found to be available “On Demand” from my cable TV provider. “Finally,” said I. “I can finally see the movie that everyone, EVERYONE, else has seen but I missed through good husband blackmail.”
I called to my wife upstairs but she was busy with the kids. The move is rather long and it was already 8:45pm and knowing my wife as well as I do (since I am a good husband), I quickly calculated that there no way that she would make it more than one hour into the movie without falling asleep. She has fallen asleep in any movie we have ever rented that started past 8:30. Even the movies that ran a mere 90 minutes. There was no chance she would make it through. So I selected the movie and clicked purchase.
Twenty minutes later my wife came downstairs and asked what I was watching. Uh oh. “The Dark Knight” I replied. Shock, dismay, despair. How could I have done such a thing? How could I break my promise? Weeping. Gnashing of teeth.
“I broke no promise. That promise was clearly limited to a theater engagement. This is on TV. It is a completely different thing. In no way could that very narrow promise be applied to general viewing in other mediums. Would that promise apply to TNT movie of the week next year. Clearly not!” My logic was flawless. She did not agree.
Over the next few days I was bombarded with disappointed sighs and hurt questions, “Why? Patrick, why!?” Even though I had passed the test when the movie was in theaters and no court of law in this land would ever interpret my promise to apply beyond its original cinematic release, I was labeled a heel. A cad. A bad husband.
Is there a point to all this? Not really. But this is all a long way of reminding myself of why my marriage is the most wonderful blessing a good God could have ever bestowed on me. To prepare me to inherit the kingdom. Like life itself, you must always be prepared to meet your judge and you never know when the test is coming. You must always keep your promises and remember when it is garbage night. Or else.
January 9, 2009 at 3:13 am
Patrick, I think your wife is a polygamist and since wives of the same husband refer to each other as sister-wives, I guess that makes us brother-husbands. I never suspected my wife was married to you as well. Does that make her “our wife?” There can’t possibly be more than one of them, can there?
January 9, 2009 at 3:15 am
That still leaves the question did you like the Dark Knight ?
January 9, 2009 at 4:47 am
The other night at the War Department’s RCIA class I sat across the table from a couple who had been married 48 years.
When I asked the man his secret for making it work he said it consisted of two words, “Yes dear.”
January 9, 2009 at 6:19 am
I think I’m blessed with the world’s greatest husband. He never forgets to put the garbage out by the curb. He even thoughtfully calls me on trash day to see if I’ve had the kids collect the bathroom trash and dumped any leftovers past the edible stage. He has also been known to sacrifice a Saturday morning driving to the dump with a car full of cardboard boxes, old catalogs, and similar items that accumulate and get to be too numerous to put in our trash cans.
Of course, I’m also the sort of wife who doesn’t mind him watching movies alone–he likes going to the theater *way* more than I do. When he wanted to see a Jackie Chan film that came out a few weeks after our eldest daughter was born, I urged him to go see it and promised that Baby and I would nap and enjoy some quiet time and would be fine. And when he got back I listened while he told me about the movie and compared it to other similar ones he’d seen, so I still got to share in his enthusiasm (without actually having to go out in January with a nursing infant to a movie theater, something I never did or would do anyway).
We’re pretty lucky! 🙂
January 9, 2009 at 2:01 pm
The problem was there was no preemptive begging. I can’t believe you didn’t rush upstairs to her all flustered and out of breath a minute before the movie started and pull the sad puppy dog eyes and the “Plleeaasse!” and other similar entreaties. That totally would have worked on me.
Garbage is kind the classic guy chore, I don’t like it when my husband forgets either, because then I get stuck doing a guy chore. Maybe you husbands could find an unpleasant but girly chore to do as repayment if you forget the garbage. I’ll try to think of a suggestion.
January 9, 2009 at 2:27 pm
This sounds so much like my husband and me except he is like your wife and I am like you.
He is the kind of person who never, NEVER forgets anything. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the “why can’t you remember to fold the clothes” lecture. We are coming up on our 25th year together, so trust me when I say that this will never change. Just learn to say “yes, darling, you are so right” and smile sweetly.
As for the movie thing, I’m surprised you’ve held on this long. I would have thought you gave up on that within the first year!
January 9, 2009 at 3:02 pm
I can’t talk about the movie thing, but as for housework:
Fellas, you know what your chores are. Look around the house and you can SEE what needs to be done. Laundry to be folded and/or washed. Dishes to be washed and/or put away. Toys to be picked up. Coats to be hung in the closet. Beds to be made. Tables to be cleared. Etc., etc.
I love my husband dearly, but when I constantly have to remind him to do X, it starts to feel like I’m his MOM and not his WIFE.
Of all the rough spots in our marriage, they don’t have to do with money or child-rearing or that. It has to do with housework.
Help. It makes all the difference in the world.
January 9, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Patrick,
I chuckled because your post reminds me of the homily a priest friend gives at every wedding he officiates– Husbands, remember to take out the trash, both literal and figurative. If it piles up, it will start to stink.
I’ll brave getting in trouble with my own Mrs. Right, but I think your logic is completely sound. I have the similar argument when she assures me that something I want done will be done tomorrow, but I know that the multitude of daily tasks she already has will certainly prevent her from doing it. When I point this out, merely to help come up with a more reasonable assessment, I’m accused of hounding her to get things done right now. “Don’t you think I’m busy enough?” Sigh.
I’ve learned something, though, in this vocational travel, which is very hard for a logician like me. It is not so important to come to the most precise definition of the truth in every single situation. While I may look to my lovely wife as a ready and willing debate team member for all things great and small, that’s not how she sees the purpose of marriage. Don’t focus on the logic, just tape giant notes to your computer screen about garbage day. And turn the other cheek about the movies. Frustrating though it is, this injustice you suffer 😉 is helping you on your way heavenward.
January 9, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Amy,
I considered deleting your comment. Helping? I don’t want that kind of crazy talk on my blog.
January 9, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Patrick,
You’re obviously right about the trash. If somebody expects you to do something, the least they can do is give you a friendly reminder.
But I don’t know about the movie, buddy. Did you say you wouldn’t “see” it without her or that you wouldn’t “go to the theatre” without her?
Amy,
Have you ever considered that during your courtship that you were auditioning for both the MOM and the WIFE positions? Haha…
January 9, 2009 at 3:57 pm
How is it possible that you could epitomize marriage in one blog post? Bravo! I am sending this to my husband, he HAS to read this. =)
January 9, 2009 at 4:30 pm
Amy,
We’re men, we DON’T see what needs to be done–it’s a genetic disorder that most of us have, something with the Y chromosome or X chromosome, or whatever that thing is. Besides, whenever I do it, it’s never right: “You folded the left sleave over the right sleave? Don’t you know anything? Now I have to fold all of it over again…”
January 9, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Matt,
or “Why on earth are you folding clothes? Why aren’t you doing the dishes?”
January 9, 2009 at 5:47 pm
The key question in this, as I see it, is
“Is your wife currently pregnant?”
Because, in the normal course of things, if my husband forgets the garbarge, it’s easier to take it out myself than to nag him….”
But if I’m pregnant, the trip with the garbage turns into a 20 minute marathon of vomit.
So I’d say, if your wife is pregnant than you ARE the worst husband in the world for forgetting, because the garbage is causing her actual physical pain AND you KNEW she;d be upset over the movie…
=)
January 9, 2009 at 5:48 pm
Sorry. We are sans bun in oven.
January 9, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Looks like it’s time to figure out the calendar on your cell phone or the “recurring appointment” on Outlook.
I think that my cell phone ringing at 6:45 AM with the “TRASH DAY!” alert might have saved my marriage.
January 9, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Give the garbage job to your oldest child. That’s what my husband did.
It is very interesting to me that my hubby now reminds eldest child to take the garbage out. When it was his job, he never remembered.
And Amy, around here we call it male pattern blindness, aka clutter-blind. Men don’t see what needs to be done, it is just a fact of life.
January 9, 2009 at 9:19 pm
I know this is sort of tongue in cheek and we’re all supposed to laugh at ourselves and our silly fights, but it still left me a little uncomfortable. It seemed like a veiled venting of your issues with your wife, with no way for her to defend her position on it or give her side of the story. I wonder if she read this, would she think this was fair? Tell me she’s read it and she had no problem with you posting it, and I’ll take it back. 🙂
January 9, 2009 at 9:27 pm
Amy,
I considered deleting your comment. Helping? I don’t want that kind of crazy talk on my blog.
😛
With all due respect, of course. 😉
January 9, 2009 at 9:35 pm
The argument goes, “If you really loved me [us] taking out the garbage would be important to you and you wouldn’t need reminding! You remember other things you care about. Like writing on your BLOG!”
I get the guilt treatment all the time when I happen to be reading a blog or writing on my own. Of course I SHOULD be folding more laundry, cleaning more, reading more stories on the couch… it doesn’t matter that I have done those things all day, taught the kids, cleaned the dishes, made the food, etc. I want some Mommy-only time!
(my husband never forgets to take out the garbage but he is on the verge of being OCD about the sink/dishes, spending 45 minutes cleaning up what takes me 5 minutes) I have my time-wasters, he has his.