They had to go and do it! One! In the history of my life I like one Christian pop song and now I can never listen to it again.
We all know that we would prefer mixing soda with poprocks over Christian Pop/Rock any day. Actually poprocks are aptly named cousins of Christian pop/rock, a sugary sweet exploding candy that rumor has it can kill you. Christian pop/rock is that bad, with one exception.
I really like—correction—I used to really like Mercy Me’s “I Can Only Imagine.” It is what all Christian rock should aspire to be but isn’t—good. Now the song is dead to me.
Last Sunday, my daughter’s catechism class got together to go to mass, the 5:30 pm Mass, the teen Mass. So we all went to the teen Mass. Then at communion time…
I’m sorry, give me a moment. This is so tough. Pull yourself together Pat! Pull yourself together! Ok. Continuing.
Then at communion time, I heard the first couple of notes. I looked at my wife in total desperation. She looked back. We were helpless.
It is not just that the song was completely inappropriate for a communion hymn, it was just SOOOO bad. The lead singer was passable but the backup vocalist (whose mic seemed to be about 4x louder than necessary) was flatter than that dry salt lake in Utah. They destroyed it. I mean they destroyed it so bad that my wife was actually laughing. Yes, my wife was laughing at communion time. The song was so bad, my saintly wife now needs to go to confession. That’s bad.
I am sorry to say, I need to go to confession as well. I am not guilty of my wife’s irreverence and poor laughter control. I am guilty of the sin of despair and worse, much worse.
Standing in the back because the baby was being noisy, the atrocity pelted my ears. I quickly looked around, I needed a way out. Perhaps I could use the edge of a bulletin to cut my wrists. Death by paper cut. That wouldn’t work, surrounded by all these church-going goody-two-shoes, they would stop the bleeding before I died. I needed something quicker.
Perhaps if I smashed the holy water font, I could use the broken glass. No, still too slow. But then I realized how selfish and cowardly suicide would be. I couldn’t just kill myself like that. That would be terribly selfish and wrong. What about all the other people who would be left to suffer. No, I had to take the youth choir with me.
I remembered that I had some garden fertilizer left in the van. I wondered how long it would take me to siphon gas out of my Toyota Sienna and mix it with the fertilizer. Maybe then I could pack the mixture in my socks, secure them to my belt, pop the cigarette lighter, and make a mad dash across the parking lot, through the doors, and straight toward the guitar and drum section.
As I worked out the final logistics of my plan, the song mercifully ended. I slowly backed off the mental ledge that I found myself on. What was I thinking? Now I must confess my crime, my sin. What will the priest think of me?
Will the priest think I am a terrible person? Selfish? Stupid? I mean, that lighter would never have stayed lit while I ran across the parking lot. I needed a fuse.
November 20, 2009 at 8:06 pm
There's so much good Christian rock out there, that's unfair. Yes, it was bad in the 80s, but there has been a lot of good stuff coming out since then. If you hate rock music, fine, I respect that. If you only like to listen to church music, cool. If you only like classic rock from the 70s, I respect that, too. But to say that all Christian pop/rock is bad is false. I'm guessing that this is an uneducated opinion. I'm usually with you 110%.
I do understand what you mean about the slaughter of the song, though.
November 20, 2009 at 8:09 pm
I was laughing so hard reading this that my 10 year old came in from the other room to ask if I was laughing or crying.
And the first comment, by William, only prolonged it.
Funny stuff. I laugh because I can sympathize.
November 20, 2009 at 8:20 pm
Yes, and if my parish sings "Lord of the Dance" one more time I will kill myself.
November 20, 2009 at 8:29 pm
I think I'm just being picky. The stuff that is coming out that is good right now would not be labeled "pop/rock" but probably alternative rock, acoustic or folk, etc. It's a picky distinction, but there is a difference. Jars of Clay is labeled alternative rock/folk/acoustic/r & b. And Dan Haseltine grew up at the Anglican church that my family attends.
I like everything – but only if it's good:-). Except rap. And some amount of country:-).
November 20, 2009 at 9:28 pm
It must have been a weekend for terrible music! Not only was my parish’s typically decent choir struggling to find a key during every song, but the screeching trumpet player made my sister and I cringe all through communion. All I wanted to do was shout up to the choir loft, “Look, I know you are trying offer your talent to the Church, but you have none, so just stop!”
I suppose I should join you in the confession line…
November 20, 2009 at 10:26 pm
I was also laughing out loud as I read this! But until reading other's posts, I had blocked out of my mind my own experience from this past weekend. The 'hymn'…if it can be called that…during the preparation of the gifts was "Soon and Very Soon" accompanied by tambourine and something else to keep the beat (don't recall what it was).
I have no idea how the priest, a very good, traditionally-minded priest was able to prepare for the consecration with that going on. I tend not to sing at those times, but to offer prayers for him. He is temporary administrator at this parish and I pray he is soon to return to my parish where he is in residence.
November 21, 2009 at 1:09 am
Well I guess now we FINALLY know what it means to…
"give us the courage to enter the song!"
🙂
November 21, 2009 at 3:23 am
Speaking of bad music at Mass, I also have heard my share. However, one Saturday at the Vigil Mass I was absolutely horrified to hear the organist play (at Communion) "I'm Always Chasing Rainbows". She has also favoured us (NOT) with "Climb Every Mountain" once or twice. Now, if only she played it well — but we are denied even that small grace. We offer it up, like good Catholics.
November 21, 2009 at 3:49 am
Great post, and I sympathize with the bad music complaint. I was sitting in the balcony during the Easter Vigil Mass one year at my parish when someone started hammering on bongo drums during the Gloria. I felt like I was on the set of The Lion King. I love my parish, but oh, what a joy it would be to have good music!
~ Siobhan
November 21, 2009 at 6:22 am
CV- Hilarious!
When we moved here to Portland, I was determined not to put myself through liturgical angst and distress, so we registered at the cathedral parish. And even though it means getting up at 5:30 on Sunday mornings to make the 7:30AM Mass, it is well worth it, because there is NO MUSIC.
It's so nice to drive home with peace in my heart, without letters to pastors and bishops forming up in my mind and driving me to the computer after a hasty breakfast, there to spend the better part of the Lord's Day delivering myself of my indignation in the most acceptable language I can muster.
Sometimes at Mass I used to amuse myself with wondering what the reaction of the early Christians from Corinth would be if they were plunked down in our Masses to hear, "Come dance in the forests, come play in the fields." Talk about bacchanalian. I can only imagine satyrs with flutes. It's amazing we don't all blow a kiss at the sun on our way to the car, as new converts used to do when leaving St. Peter's.
And then there is the kid with the snare drum at the kids' masses during the week, importing into the what used to be sacred liturgy a tempo more appropriate to a bar.
We have become the Church with Ahlzheimer's. We've forgotten our music, our devotions, our saints, our disciplines and our language, so music publishers and diocesan liturgical directors can take us by the hand and lead us wherever they wish.
Basta!
November 21, 2009 at 8:15 pm
^^ I get up for 7:30am Mass on Sundays to avoid music as well, despite my body screaming at me to stay in bed (although thankfully I don't need to be up at 5:30!). I've always thought contemporary liturgical music to be bad and not at all conducive to prayer, but it was when I took a History of Music class a few semesters ago that any small amount of toleration I had for garbage liturgical music was obliterated. When I was exposed to the likes of Gregorian chant and Palestrina, there was no way I could peaceably sit through "Gather Us In" again. My soul longs for beautiful music for Mass, but for now I have to be content with sitting through a Mass without any music at all.
November 22, 2009 at 5:19 am
We have all been there brother,
The Soultion is to attend the Old mass no 'Chenanegans there'
Mind you I still have flashbacks.
November 22, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Diane posted "I also often wonder if no music is better than mediocre music."
YES! Silence during Mass can be very powerful, especially during Communion.
Try going to a Latin Mass where there is silence during Communion as one kneels and receives on the tongue. Most people will wonder why this isn't done every Sunday.
November 22, 2009 at 4:55 pm
This post was PRICELESS! I'm not sure which made me laugh more, the post or the comment section. Wow, I needed that.
Unfortunately, I can relate. All too well. Did you know that "Angry guns" is a phrase in modern Catholic hymnals? Apparently we should stop all the "angry guns" to bring about world peace.
Just shoot me now.
-Amy Proctor
http://amyproctor.squarespace.com
November 22, 2009 at 7:48 pm
As a musician who has been in many venues, sacred and secular (although I hate that false distinction), for many years, I totally agree with the thoughts about poorly done music. However, it breaks my heart to hear that no music is better than some music. I get it, but it breaks my heart.
As a music teacher, as well, I can document the battle for young ears who are accustomed only to pop, which, well, usually has about as much depth as the sound of the word. I flood my kindergarteners with classical music, and they love it. I push it on my older students, who will eventually, grudgingly admit they enjoy it, but who fight me every step of the way.
I watch young children – boys, in particular – shrink from participation in music, especially singing, because it is considered "girly". I tell them about the wonderful boy choirs and how their voices at younger ages are better than girls (yes, it's true – there's a physiological reason).
So, if you have children who are at all inclined, please encourage them so that the dream of the music of the church returning to its former glory can be made reality.
And, as I said before, I am no hater of basically any type of music. Except rap. And some amount of country:-).
November 23, 2009 at 6:25 am
If you feel you can do a better job with the music, step on up! I'll certainly let you have the next chant solo and then we can all complain about how poorly you sing and what a distraction you are…
November 24, 2009 at 6:07 pm
oh man this made me laugh so hard! That's how I feel every sunday at my parish 🙁 I grew up singing in a pretty oldschool choir and it kills me every time they pull out the craptastic music for communion hymns.
Insofar as the question of if there are good communion hyms, there are TONS!
Soul of my savior,
O Lord I am Not Worthy,
Panis Angelicus (or in english Thus Angels Bread is Made),
Ecce Panis Angelorum,
Ave Verum Corpus,
Sing My Tongue The Savior's Glory,
Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence,
Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring… to name just a few. I wish I had the time to be a music director so I could smush all the bad songs out of the mass lol.