Hollywood is once again planning on extending its diseased covetous fingers back into my childhood memories to plunder and despoil them for their own malicious needs.

The pealing bells that hearken me back to childhood are once again being perverted into the ding of cash registers by Hollywood.

Isn’t it bad enough that Opie/Richie Cunningham turned into a Dan Brown lackey, but now this? ExtraTV reports:

At last night’s premiere of the new film “Valentine’s Day,” director Garry Marshall hinted to “Extra’s” Mario Lopez about a possible “Laverne and Shirley” movie starring Jennifer Garner and Jessica Biel.

“We’re gonna work on that,” Marshall said of the idea of doing a remake. “My sister Penny and Cindy are gonna have a guest cameo. They’re gonna walk “schlemiel, schlemazel” — or they’re gonna get tired in the middle and sit down.”

Jennifer Garner and Jessica Biel? Seriously? Who’ll play “The Big Ragu” in this milquetoast tragicomedy? Clay Aiken? I foresee a horrid future with David Arquette as Squiggy?

Please. Please Hollywood leave my childhood alone.

You know, when I look back now on Dukes of Hazard these profit mongers in Hollywood have reached back into time and replaced Tom Wopat with that dude from Jackass. That’s not an even trade folks. Not even close. I want my Wopat back. And Jessica Simpson instead of Catherine Bach? Well, that’s kind of an equal trade…but still you know what I mean.

When I see Inspector Gadget you know who unconsciously and unbidden breaks and enters my head? Matthew Broderick! I don’t want Matthew Broderick in my head. Nobody wants Matthew Broderick in their head. Nobody. People have sued for less. A lot less.

At one time I investigated having all Jar Jar Binks and Matthew Broderick memories erased from my mind. (The surgery, always risky and imprecise, was unsuccessful but oddly I don’t remember anyone in my second grade class and I suffer acid reflux whenever Eddie and the Cruisers II comes on -even if I’m not watching it.)

I vow that even if this Laverne and Shirley movie gets four stars, nominated for multiple Oscars, starts healing lepers in Milwaukee I will not see this movie. You can summon me but I will not serve. Not me. No way.

Penny Marshall will always be Laverne.
Cindy Williams will always be Shirley.
And the dude who played Squiggy will always be Squiggy.

(However, I probably will see the A-team even though it runs counter to everything I said before. What? What?!)