Vegetarians around the planet were horrified to learn today that the popular Thanksgiving dish for vegetarians called Tofurkey doesn’t actually derive from the vegetarian bean curd known as Tofu but from a very small and extraordinarily cute endangered species called the Tofurkey.
This is the first photo of a Tofurkey taken at a farm in Rhode Island just moments before it was skinned, torn limb from limb, had its eyes removed while still alive, and was finally dipped in boiling oil.
A tofurkey farm is not a typical farm. The tofurkey is extraordinarily cute and very inexpensive to keep because they’re fed exclusively by hugs and smiles. “That’s all they need,” said one tofurkey farmer. “And they’ve got these huge expressive eyes that melt your heart.” It’s those expressive eyes that make “slaughter season” very hard for tofurkey owners.
Most tofurkeys spend their days playing with balloons, blowing bubbles, and singing in high pitched angelic voices. “They don’t speak English or nothing but sometimes just listenin’ to ’em makes me think about puppies and angels,” said one tofurkey owner.
The misunderstanding for vegetarians originated because of the similarities between the names Tofurkey and Tofu. One Tofurkey farmer said he never lied about where Tofurkey came from but he’s glad to profit from the misunderstanding. “I think those wacky vegetarians just wanted to believe they were eating Tofu and I wasn’t about to tell ’em no different.”
He said that back when his “product” began doing brisk business he wondered why. “I know those little cute tofurkeys don’t really taste so good so I wondered why so many people was eating ’em. But hey, who am I to complain?”
Vegans and vegetarians have been shocked and horrified at the discovery of this Tofurkey farm. “Every time I ate Tofurkey on Thanksgiving I felt so principled and better than everyone else,” said one vegetarian. “I’m going to miss that feeling.”
(Originally posted on a previous Thanksgiving but I found it funny so I put it back up.)
November 24, 2010 at 4:38 am
haha- you know…when I eat meat, I don't disguise it as brocoli- so why do vegans have fake meat?
November 24, 2010 at 5:16 am
I want one for a pet!
November 24, 2010 at 5:18 am
There's a place for all of God's creatures. It's right between the mashed potatoes and veggies.
November 24, 2010 at 12:37 pm
I spent 3 years as a vegetarian and I must admit, even though I eat meat now, I miss Tofurkey greatly. (I can't but it around here anymore). I wish people would stop lumping all vegetarians into the crazy PETA lunatic category.
November 24, 2010 at 1:01 pm
There's a place for all of God's creatures. It's right between the mashed potatoes and veggies.
+1 Subvet
November 24, 2010 at 2:14 pm
If God didn't want us to eat animals, why did he make them out of meat?
November 24, 2010 at 4:35 pm
You people really makes for some good lolz. The moral superiority that vegetarians feel is nothing compared to the moral superiority that the typical "devout" Catholic feels.
Get over yourselves.
November 24, 2010 at 4:56 pm
Oh great, another comment from the land of the twenty-nine cent homemade worldview.
November 24, 2010 at 5:10 pm
I think you meant the moral humility.
November 24, 2010 at 6:34 pm
I'm vegan and I lol'd. Uppity vegans/vegetarians need to get a sense of humor and a thicker hide.
Of course, I'm a vegan as a penitential act, so I don't think eating or using animal products is wrong (in fact I think it can be quite good). That apparently disqualifies me from being a *real* vegan according to some, since I don't have the kooky perspective on creation.
November 24, 2010 at 10:51 pm
The traditional Eastern Christian monastic diet is vegetarian, and for most of the year, vegan.
November 25, 2010 at 2:50 am
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November 25, 2010 at 3:11 am
That does it! I'm starting a new organization–PETT (People for the Ethical Treatment of Tofurkeys).
November 25, 2010 at 7:23 am
Well said Dakota!! My wife and I abstained from eating meat for years. Catholics should remember that many of the saints abstained from meat eating. Just because you abstain, doesn't make you a nutter… that being said, the nutters sure have done their bit to make it seem like a nutty thing…
November 25, 2010 at 8:44 pm
I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. – French soldier in the Holy Grail.
November 26, 2010 at 7:55 am
Ditto what LarryD said. & in the case of turkey, under the cranberry sauce as well.
November 26, 2010 at 4:11 pm
Wow! I thought this was a fun post. OH….I guess you are a joke!