Where have all the gentlemen gone?
One of the main functions of a culture commentator is to say things that should go without saying.
So it is quite unremarkable to remark that there are few gentlemen left. When you think of a gentleman, do you conjure images of some tuxedoed dandy with jutting chin and a long nose, the better for looking down? That is not the kind of gentleman I mean.
Every generation has had its share of base men and those with gentlemanly airs. What they both had in common was their lack of respect for their fellow man. As it is with the cowardly, lack of respect for your fellow man is most visibly made manifest in their treatment of women.
The way I hear some men speak about women, I wonder if there are any gentlemen left. If I were able to wave a magic wand and erase one despicable habit from our culture it would be ogling. I hate ogling.
I have met men in all walks of life, wealthy and wanting, professional and blue collar, married and single that think nothing of looking a woman up and down and then commenting on her appearance, often within earshot of their unsuspecting target.
“Hey, did you check out the ____ on her?”
What?!?!
This drives me crazy. It is pointless to try …
January 11, 2012 at 3:35 am
mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa
-Mike
January 11, 2012 at 6:24 am
What Mike said. Unfortunately, I grew up in the '70s, which wasn't a good time for learning custody of the eyes.
January 11, 2012 at 3:17 pm
And I LOVE ogling. Unfortunately. I was raised to ogle. No not by my parents, but by every single male friend I ever knew.
Later, I learned that women really are nothing more than sex objects. I was taught that, as humans are animals and all animals have the urge to mate, it was normal to treat women this way.
As I grew into adulthood, I went to a Catholic college where nearly every single friend I had went to strip clubs on the weekends. Strangely, I never went. Something about it always bothered me. I felt bad for the women there and besides, I always had some willing girlfriend (of course I LOVED them.)
It wasn't until LONG after this was a well-establish habit, and pornography became rampant as well, that my intellect started to inform my conscience. I saw too much damage being done to the culture, to the girls who now treat themselves as ogling men treat them, and to myself.
Finally, by the grace of God, I have come to a reawakening of my faith and new realization that this is just pure evil. I try to treat every girl or woman I see as if they are a baby, an infant, God's precious child. It helps. But… it is a MAJOR struggle, every day, every minute.
But, if we can teach our sons, our culture that this is wrong, maybe we can make some change.
Thank you for this article. We need more like it.
January 11, 2012 at 3:22 pm
Hopefully, after the continue reading button, there is some mention of these ridiculous women who wear too revealing things. There have been times when I've just had to uncomfortably stare at a wall, when a married woman showed up at work for a week or two with clothes even more revealing than what had come before- this after another, more professional (but atheist of all things) woman suggested her outfits weren't quite appropriate for work. Naturally, she had to ask me what I thought, and then punish me for suggesting modesty is the best option.
You want to help? Look at them- look them in the eyes until they look away.
January 11, 2012 at 5:00 pm
Ditto on being trained by all your high school and college firends to ogle. And on a lot of women who like to be ogled. Lots of retraining was necessary.
What astonished me is when I am in a professional setting with other supposed professional adults; and the second every woman is out of hearing range, the comments start flying – and it's just assumed that we're all looking at the same thing.
January 11, 2012 at 5:27 pm
I grew up with a strong mother and a beautiful sister but I had a friend in the fourth grade way back in the late 1950s who introduced me to Playboy magazine at the corner drug store. Looking at Playboy and other magazines like it screwed up my social life with real girls and women for many years.
-Mike (mea culpa)
January 11, 2012 at 5:38 pm
Please STOP trying to put the whole blame thing on men. I don't deny or forgive the typical man's behaviour, we were made indeed to appreciate female beauty, but when a female walks by wearing a TINY skirt, super TIGHT blouse, shirt, t-shirt, whatever you want to call it. When she is wearing pants that make a man wonder HOW they put them on. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT !!!!
January 11, 2012 at 6:02 pm
Stop putting the blame also on women. First of all, even women who dress modestly get oggled, so it's not just their choice of clothing. Secondly, there are cultures where neither men nor women wear much clothing (in tropical places, for example, the climate makes what we would consider "modesty" unworkable) and yet somehow the men have learned to get over themselves and deal with it.
Third, if we can blame women for their clothing choices inspiring lust in men, then can I please blame men for their clothing choices inspiring wrath in me? Women at least care about their bodies enough to try and look good (though I admit they are often misguided and wear things like jeggings, which are not so much sexy as repulsive). The vast majority of men look like they grudgingly wear clothes only so as not to be naked. This behavior is most awful on dates. I constantly see a couple where the woman is dressed in a nice, cute dress and matching shoes and her hair fixed just so, while the man is in cargo shorts and t-shirt (he sometimes "dresses up" by wearing a polo… which is NOT dressing up, sorry). Clearly in these dating scenarios, men don't care enough about their girlfriend's clothing to notice that there is a disparity and feel that they should honor her by dressing better, but they become experts on women's clothing the second you mention "ogling" or "lust".
That was a bit of a rant, but to conclude:
1) It goes both ways. Women should dress modestly AND men should not ogle them even if they are dressed immodestly
2) If you men say to us "dress modestly, lest you tempt us to lust" I say "Men, dress better lest your lack of concern for anyone who has to see your clear contempt for the most basic laws of fashion (and perhaps lack of care for the women who clearly cares about you enough to dress up) tempt us women to wrath, which is, after all, just as deadly a sin."
January 11, 2012 at 6:35 pm
I am the poster from 10:17.
Yeah women/GIRLS showing off their bodies the way they do is JUST as evil and men staring at them. Both has to stop. I can't even go to the grocery store without having to deal with near-naked yoga pants everywhere. Even better – when it's in church right in front of me!
The good news is, successfully fighting off that temptation to look (and think), is like going cold turkey off smack. You realize that you CAN do anything with the grace of God.
BTW, Cargo shorts/T-shirt combo is a horrible abomination against the "female fashion sensibility" that MUST BE STOPPED! Yeah sure. As soon as they come out with something else to wear that is as comfortable. ๐
Hey at least I am covered up. I don't show off my pecs and wear spandex (thank God) – not that THAT would temp a woman into MORTAL sin. IN other words… not the same thing. Come on. How many women see cargo shorts and are instantly on the highway to Hell due to their uncontrolled rage? I am guessing…one.
Not blaming anyone else for my own sinfulness. But women who knowingly show off their bodies in order to seek the attention of men do have some culpability for temping them.
January 11, 2012 at 7:02 pm
First off, at least 3 (I have equally fashion conscious siblings and friends). Also, white dress shirts are comfortable, as are sweaters, nice jeans (which are heads shoulders knees and twos more dressy than cargo shorts), slacks, etc. Men of yesteryear managed to dress themselves properly, just as women all managed to dress modestly once upon a time. It can be done!
Also, hyperbole, my friend; it is a lovely thing when understood in context. I don't actually think I'm in mortal sin for wrath… I'm not actually that wrathful… it was mostly a joke, to make this point: men are a bit hypocritical in talking about women's clothes when they clearly don't care about how we dress half the time (they care enough to notice when we dress immodestly, but not enough to even compliment us when we dress up > how will you encourage women to dress modestly if immodesty seems to be the only way to get your attention?)
Secondly, don't assume women only dress for men's sake. Sure, we like to look attractive to the opposite sex, but we also dress up for our own pleasure. I confess that in high school I wore some pretty short skirts with knee-high socksโ thing was, I didn't even care about what guys thought of me. I didn't want a boyfriend, nor male admirers; I just wanted to look cute for my own sake. And the best part was, I carried myself modestly so boys respected me. No one ogled me, no one disrespected me, because I let my personality do my talking.
My point is basically that women aren't always trying to tempt men like some bizarre succubous scenario, just as men don't realize how woefully badly they dress. We should definitely encourage EVERYONE to dress more properly, but it's stupid to act like women are sending men to hell for lust (just like it's stupid to say men are sending women to hell for wrath ๐
In other news, if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out.
January 12, 2012 at 12:09 am
Just thanks. I am tremendously blessed to be married to a man who is the father of our daughters who has fought and continues to fight the battle of his eyes. It's a wonderful thing to say that you completely trust your husband, as I'm sure that your wife says of you. What a gift. So thanks.
January 12, 2012 at 4:50 am
Me again.
OK Lily that is all good, but I really do want to make a serious point about your analogy.
You can not compare someone's sloppy dress habits causing angst among the fashion savvy with the immodesty.
I don't want to be vulgar, so it is very hard to explain, but these things are simply not on the same plane of existence. One, at worst, might be some oblique endorsement of the sin of sloth?
The other is right up there with tacitly supporting abortion. OK I know that's strong to "hear me out". When an attractive woman displays the form of her body so that one knows exactly what she would look like naked – it's just wrong. Men are NOT designed to ignore that. We have to WORK very hard to ignore it. And those of us who have been taught to treat women as if they are nothing more than a piece of meat, have to work even harder. Again, it is like waving crack around an addict (no pun intended).
If you walked into the Betty Ford clinic with a bad of coke and offered it around, don't you think the Lord would be a bit more displeased than if you wore cargo shorts?!
January 12, 2012 at 4:52 am
I believe there is also a sort of "reverse" ogling that men do, in which they comment UNfavorably and in demeaning fashion on the attributes of women who are, shall we say, less than attractive or "hot". This too is something good Catholic men ought to avoid, as ALL men and women are made in God's image, regardless of their physical attractiveness.
If you, like me, are well north of 40, getting gray hair, overweight, not able to afford nice clothes, etc., you get disrespected also. Oh well, at least I'm not an occasion of sin to anyone, except my husband ๐
Elaine
January 12, 2012 at 5:04 am
Still me…
OK one more example for you. After I wrote earlier, I got on a plane and flew somewhere. As soon as I got to the airport, I saw young girl after young girl walking around in tight yoga pants showing off their rears. Practically nude. It gets to the point where I start running out of places TO look.
Next I get on the plane. Attractive young woman sits next to me and strikes up conversation. Nice enough. Only problem. Her extremely revealing blouse! I am not making this up. 75% exposure, leaning over, etc. I had to talk to her while looking away from her! (Since she wouldn't stop talking.) Again, very nice, but CLUELESS (or hitting one me- can't tell. But that is clueless too as I have a large wedding ring.)
Then I get to my destination and as soon as I walk out, there is a girl 18 or 19 years old sitting on the chairs at the gate. She is wearing TIGHT sweat pants and is leaned way back, texting, with her LEGS WIDE OPEN! And yes, there was NOTHING left to the imagination. Her doctor sees less. This from a guy who was trying NOT to notice these things. When you turn the corner – there it was. Frankly it was so shocking I almost said something to her, but I knew should wouldn't get it.
I am not telling you anything you haven't seen, but it is getting worse and worse. And, yes, for the men who struggle with this, it is mortal sin we are fighting. Every day.
Addiction to drugs is the only thing that I can think of that comes close. So yeah I don't care who the girl is dressing up for, we don't need to see it.
To answer your question. When a woman dresses in ANYTHING that doesn't display her body, I pay attention to HER – instead of to her body. If she has something interesting to say, I am interested. That includes lots of NORMAL clothes, like jeans that aren't skin tight. Shirts of all kinds that aren't skin tight. That's pretty much it. Leaves open quadrillions of outfits.
Off to arm myself with the Rosary. Hey – maybe pray for us guys who ARE FIGHTING. I pray for all those misguided young ladies.
January 12, 2012 at 5:09 am
Elaine – that is another thing. The more I learned to treat women as human beings instead of targets, the more I started to notice the true beauty of all people.
The reverse is that as women provoke and men wallow, human life itself is degraded. Life is cheapened. This is why I compared it to abortion.
Because whether it is chronic ogling or dressing like a hooker, it is all a part of the culture of death. Just arrows in Satan's quiver.
January 12, 2012 at 5:36 pm
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January 12, 2012 at 5:38 pm
In*el Corp was giving us a lecture about eyeballing their women employees.
We were told anyone caught looking at a woman longer than ten seconds would be terminated.
The Liberal Feminist Homosexual/Lesbian Camp was once again attacking us heterosexual construction workers.
Playing up to their modernist stupidity thinking, I informed them it was against my cultural and ethnic beliefs and traditions not to look upon a woman's God given beauty for anything less than five or ten minutes.
Further, men that did not appreciate a woman's beauty were considered to be gay if they did not, and were to be ridiculed and shamed.
That stopped them dead in their tracks.
With authority I stood up to them, and not having Truth to stand upon, of course they had to back down. And apologize for having offended my sense of cultural pride… what a bunch of Rubes!
Nowadays, it is hard to find a beautiful woman.
Most are walking abortion clinics, having taken daily birth control pills, or placed a IUD inside, or carrying the scars of abortion(s) upon their souls.
I don't care how big the silicone bags, or how short the dress is, in Truth, many women are disgusting.
Rather than men that look upon them, they should concern themselves with how God looks upon them.
For your consideration:
To a great extent the level of any civilization is the level of its womanhood. When a man loves a woman, he has to become worthy of her. The higher her virtue, the more her character, the more devoted she is to truth, justice, goodness, the more a man has to aspire to be worthy of her. The history of civilization could actually be written in terms of the level of its women.โ
— Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen
*
January 12, 2012 at 7:50 pm
To anonymous up there who had the horrible airplane ride, I say amen. I teach in a college and the things some of these girls try to wear are insane. I'm not sure if they understand the construction of desks but I can see much more than you think and I'm not even trying but I have to face the students. I see the distraction that some of the outfits cause and at times I have been hit off guard by a sudden shift in the seat. I need to rant because it is something I think is unjust for anyone to do who knows that people are looking and force the eye to look.
I understand that men should not oogle, true. It is hard not to look at someones rear end when there is writing on it and the young lady wants people to look and read. I don't want to know if your back side is "juicy". If you don't want people to look don't put up a sign.
Sorry, I just had to rant. I am tired of lecturing in class where the only place I can look safely is at the back high corners of the room. I always wondered why some profs did that, now I know. they are more than likely shifting their gaze to a safe place.