After a long and arduous 2,000 year battle with principalities and powers and after 50 years of visible decline, the Catholic Church has decided to end its own life. The Catholic Church has announced that rather than continue to fight the good fight, once it has knocked some items off its “bucket list”, it will commit Cardinal-assisted Synodicide next October.

The “bucket list” items the Church would like to see before it dies include:

Acceptance of homosexual marriage, homosexual divorce, and communion for homosexual remarried divorcees.
Worldwide acceptance of the current German Episcopal practice of communion in the pocket via vending machine.
The excommunication of everyone of anyone who has ever read “Pascendi Dominici Gregis.”
The canonization of Annibale Bugnini.

Cardinal Kasper said “Assisted suicide is very popular right now and as everyone knows, the Church needs to accompany the world as it does popular things.” When asked about the reluctance of the African Bishops to commit synodicide, the Cardinal responded, “Those people live in mud huts, what do they know about accompanying the modern world?”

After swift negative reaction to his comments, Cardinal Kasper denied saying them even though he said it in front of 37 reporters and a half dozen cameras. He later claimed he had no idea his private conversation with the Devil was being recorded.

Cardinal Marx, chairman of the German episcopal conference, when asked about the Synodicide plans said, ‘I don’t actually have any ideas of my own. I just think whatever Cardinal Kasper thinks, but I try to say it is a less nuanced way. With that as the goal, I think the African bishops are like stupid or something.”

Yet not every Cardinal is on board with the assisted-snyodicide plans. The American Cardinal Raymond Burke has said that he will do everything possible to prevent this from happening. Cardinal Burke said, “I will do everything in my power to prevent this tragic intention from coming to fruition. I will organize rosary crusades to storm heaven with prayers. We will create chains of prayer that will protect the doors of St. Peter’s” After his comments, the media reported “Reactionary Cardinal plans Crusade!!!” and “Cardinal Plans to Chain himself to St. Peters.” Italy subsequently revoked his visa.