Everyone’s always talking about the secularization of Christmas. I’m more concerned right now with the wife-icization of Christmas. I’m supposed to be wrapping my presents for my wife right now so I’m locked in my room but instead of wrapping I’m writing this stupid post. I’m thinking that if guys ran Christmas things would be very different.
So if guys ran Christmas…
There’d be no wrapping paper. It just wouldn’t even exist. You can be surprised by my gift when I carry it into the room. You don’t need an extra moment of anticipation at 69 cents a foot. Not worth it. The most you’d get is we’d put the gift in an old shoebox but actually we’d never keep the shoebox so forget that part.
There’d be no family Christmas cards. Ever. No updates on how the family’s doing. No picture. No shutterfly. And any Christmas cards that people send out with a picture of their dog would be punished in civil court with a maximum penalty of having to watch Hallmark Christmas specials for three months straight.
The Hallmark Christmas specials wouldn’t exist. It just never would’ve happened.
Hermie the Elf would not be a protagonist. He’d be a cautionary tale.