In a shocking twist to an already shocking story, Cardinal Mahony of Los Angeles has announced that he will be closing and selling all the traditional leaning parishes to cover the cost of the staggering $660 million dollar settlement of priestly abuse cases.

Cardinal Mahony justified the unprecedented move by saying “As you know, the bishops have been conducting a study of causes…. In our case, many of the priests came out of the “good old days” — Latin-only, cassocks-only…. Most of our cases did not come out of post-Vatican II, they came out of pre-Vatican II. Therefore, it is my prudential judgment that these pre-Vatican II types should foot the bill.”

Mahony said efforts would be made to avoid harming “essential ministries” and said the diocese doesn’t plan to sell any progressive parishes or school properties. “These multi-theological faith based communities have been at the forefront of liturgical and social innovation. We need to insure that they are not affected in any way by what the traditionalists have done.”

Ms. Butterfly Starshine, chairperson of the liturgical dance committee at St. Siddhartha Gautama parish, thinks selecting the properties should be simple. “Just look for any church that has the tabernacle clearly visible in the center of the church man, that should be a clue that there was abuse going on there.”

Others were concerned that the landmark, the $189 million Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels, might be included in any property sales. Cardinal Mahony stated that the cathedral, sometimes dubbed the ‘Taj Mahony’ would not be affected. “Don’t worry, there is nothing remotely traditional about the cathedral. This church is off-limits, it is my legacy.”

Some traditional parishes were perplexed why they were being singled out and upset that they would be unfairly stuck with the cost of this unprecedented settlement. Cardinal Mahony countered “They have no one to blame but themselves. That type of narrow-minded orthodoxy just spawns deviants. Besides, closing these parishes is a small price to pay to keep me off the witness stand.”