Fr. Erik Richtsteig is at his best when he’s fed up. Thankfully the world offers plenty of opportunities for him to be fed up. The latest instigator of his getting incensed is Shambulation, the priestly practice of strutting around the sanctuary during the homily, instead of delivering the homily from the pulpit.

This is also known as The Phil Donahue Syndrome; especially so when it is coupled with the reprobated practice of the so-called dialogue homily. (Anything with the word dialogue in it can’t be good!) How do we address this problem? Better liturgy through technology!

Specifically through a strong electromagnetic plate positioned under the pulpit. The offenders will simply be issued special shoes with steel plates in the soles. As soon as the homily begins, a switch is thrown and, presto, no shambulation.

I also believe that with sufficient research this technology can also be applied to the abuse of inviting the congregation into the Sanctuary. Just imagine. Next time this happens in your parish, flip a switch and they will be hurled back into the pews. (This could also be useful with Water Witches (aka Poncho Ladies(tm)).

I’m unsure whether Fr. Richtsteig will be applying for any federal grants for the research but I’m sure he will keep us updated.

If you’re not checking out Fr. Richsteig over at Orthometer often you’re missing out.