The Zaky Infant Pillow is by far the creepiest baby product ever. Nothing screams I have no time for my baby like fake hands. This is for when your baby just needs to be cradled by cold lifeless hands.

This is supposedly just for bathroom breaks. But parents will be prone to convincing themselves that the baby loves being there and then it’ll be the place to hang the baby while Mommy watches Oprah or opens the new box of Bon-Bons.

The leash. A weird umbilical cord-like thingie that I’m pretty sure even PETA would be against (that is if PETA cared at all about humans)

The Daddle. A saddle for Dad…Something just a little strange about this. I mean, Dad’s have been letting kids ride on their back since Dad’s had spines so why now do we need a saddle? And to me, it just upsets the balance of power in the house.

The Hamburger costume. Come on. Does this kid look comfortable? Throw some Mickey Mouse ears on the kid and go extort candy from your neighbors that way. This way, your neighbors won’t call Child Services on you again.

Baby high heels. Why wait until your child is 16 and starts whoring herself up on Friday nights? Do it to her first. If you put these on your child, it’s also likely your child might become a recurring character on the Jerry Springer show.

The Baby Mop. Ok. Picture this. Company’s coming. You have to mop the floor, fold the laundry, and still cook up the pigs in a blanket. There’s just no time. OK. Junior to the rescue. Put the Baby Mop on your child and let him do the work for you as he crawls around unattended in the kitchen (which is the most dangerous room for a child to be in anyway.) One problem is this might become addictive and you’ll dissuade your child from learning to walk because they’re just so useful crawling around.

The Po-Knee inspires me to ask the simple question: Why?

The Buck-Toothed Pacifier! Get your child ready for high school early by introducing them to the concept of people pointing and laughing, shame and embarrassment. But it’s fine. You’ll get some good laughs out of it.

Baby tattoos. This is perfect for when you’re playing Prison with your child. You’ll lovingly tell them, “Remember honey, you get all tatted up and then you go right up to the biggest guy in the yard and shank him. That way everyone will know not to mess with you. That’ll make getting drugs and cigs a lot easier.”

H/T They’ve often got really funny things over there but I warn you that they can be a little off-color sometimes.