Hollywood vs. The Bible

You want to know how I know the Bible is divinely inspired? Easy. Because the villains in the Bible are so much better than what even the sick twisted minds of Hollywood have been able to come up with in 80 years.

And it’s not like Hollywood ain’t trying. Hollywood has essentially been a villain manufacturing plant for decades and guess what, they’re all wussies compared to the demented villains from the Bible.

Let’s compare:

Darth Vader – Now sure, Darth was bad news. You don’t hang with this guy without having your larynx crushed just for questioning him. The dude destroyed a planet just to impress his daughter. He meant business.

But one, he wore a mask. Wouldn’t he have been like ten times more intimidating just sporting that freaky pasty scarred face of his? I think so. Nobody would’ve messed with him. You’d just be staring at his grotesque visage while he’s getting ready to light saber you in half.

But here’s the thing. In the end, it turned out that Darth was just acting out because he had his poor wittle heart broken by a cute girl when he was teenager. Awww. Poor baby. Why didn’t he just go journal about it?

And let’s face it, in the end, he turned good which is pretty lame for a villain. So yeah he did some pretty bad things but in the end he turned good and restored balance to the force. Villains aren’t supposed to bring balance. And speaking of imbalance we next have…

The Serpent! This guy invented evil. Adam and Eve were living happy -go-lucky in Eden. La-di-da-di-da. They were practically living in a Disney musical things were so good. And then the serpent enters. He lays his rap on Eve, chats her up about God not giving her the whole truth. He says she’s been hoodwinked and she had only to eat the fruit to know as much as God did.

She ate. Then she took the fruit to her husband Adam, and he ate too.

OK. Doesn’t seem so bad at first glance, right? He chatted up a hottie and got her to eat an apple. But let’s look at the consequences of the serpent. Uhm…The Fall of Man! Food was no longer abundant. Humans had to work if they wanted to eat – laboring in the fields until exhausted. Pain and disease appeared, where they had never been before. Childbirth pains. Death. The original harmony between humanity and nature is disrupted. The Garden of Eden was lost.

OK. This one goes to the Serpent and it ain’t even close.

Fredo: Fredo betrayed his brother Michael. That’s bad. But let’s remember Michael was a murderous mobster involved in prostitution and gambling. Michael didn’t treat Fredo all that great either. He sent him away to Vegas where he got smacked up by his boss. Yeah, he had the company of occasional cocktail waitresses but still. This guy was the oldest son of the greatest crime boss in history reduced to a maitre’d at a Vegas casino. Look, I’m not saying Fredo wasn’t in need of some counseling but betraying Michael wasn’t all that uncalled for. He was his older brother and he was skipped over. Who wouldn’t have some issues with that?

And there’s a possibility that Fredo went to Heaven (after a trip through purgatory for the aforementioned cocktail waitresses) because he was praying at the time of his death.

Judas was one of the inner circle of disciples that followed Jesus as he traveled around the country, teaching and preaching. Usually, you put the guy who scores a ten in trustworthiness in charge of the money and that was Judas’ job. So everything was going along great.

Then, in that fateful Passover week, Judas did the unthinkable. He colluded with the authorities so that they could arrest Jesus. And he knew the guys he handed Jesus over to were out for blood. You getting this. He turned on the Savior of man, the Lord Jesus Christ. That’s bad. And then if that’s not bad enough Judas committed suicide. He was so bad that Jesus himself said that it would’ve been better if he’d never been born. That’s bad.

Judas is worse. Hands down.

Norman Bates. What Norman did to that poor cute little blond lady in the shower…there’s just no excuse. But Norman was off his meds. And he thought his dead mother was telling him to do it.

The Levite:
There’s this dude from Judges so bad he doesn’t even get a name in the Bible. He’s just The Levite. His girl was unfaithful. That’s bad but it can be worked through with a good counselor if both parties are just willing to accept some responsibility and just communicate. But that’s not the Levite’s way. Nope.

A bunch of ruffians came to the door of the home where the Levite was staying and they…well…they kinda’ liked him…if you know what I mean and they wanted to play prison.

But the Levite pushes his unfaithful girlfriend, whose name we never know, out into the group of men, to do God knows what. And eventually when morning breaks he finds her laying in the doorway. The Levite kicks her and says ‘Get up’. She doesn’t move. So does he ask her again? Does he check if she’s even still alive? Nope. This dude throws her up on the donkey and heads home.

Is she dead? Unconscious? He doesn’t care and we’ll never know because when he gets home, he gets a knife and cuts her into twelve separate pieces, limb by limb and sends the twelve pieces, one to each of the twelve tribes of Israel.

That’s hardcore evil, man. Score one for the Levite.

Wicked Witch of the West: She was bad. But let’s face it…a wee bit incompetent. She’s avenging the death of her sister. Her sole aim is to destroy a girl who’s running around in dress shoes. She’s got magic. She’s got spells. She’s got flying monkeys. Crystal balls. And the girl and her little dog get away and end up killing her with a glass of water. So she meant bad but she’s not all that scary in actuality.

Herod – Now you have Herod who was also after a young child much like the Wicked Witch. You want to know how bad Herod was. This is just one sentence from the Bible describing him: ‘When Herod saw that he had been tricked by the wise men, he was infuriated, and he sent and killed all the children in and around Bethlehem who were two years old or under…..’
That’s a bad dude. Herod brings the evil. If the Wicked Witch of the West had rolled up a body count of the midgets and beheaded the Lollipop Guild, she might be competing but until then, this isn’t even a contest.

So clearly, the Bible’s villains are infinitely more evil and…villainous than even the best Hollywood can offer up. And they’re being paid to do it. Hey, maybe another eighty years and they’ll have something. Until then, maybe all those writers and directors should read the Bible for inspiration of all kinds.