I have unilaterally decided (meaning I didn’t ask Matthew and there is nothing he can do to stop me) to add a new feature to the blog. The feature is “Today’s Über-Catholic Open Question?” This feature may or may not be repeated. It entirely depends on you and whether your answers are interesting, funny, or foul. Don’t let reason or proportion get in your way. Feel free to be more Catholic than the Pope. So, all you Über-Catholics who find fault with 87% percent of everything we write, what is your take on this question.

What is the best Über-Catholic explanation for the longevity of the antediluvian patriarchs? I am talking about all the guys from Adam to Noah who routinely lived 800-900 years talked about in that book that the Protestants are always going on about.

A) The Literal and Historical Interpretation. Yup that is how long they lived. Possible explanations:

  • Adam had a much better gene pool than us and so they lived longer,
  • The world was different before the flood so people lived longer,
  • Evolution misinterprets the fossil record (my personal favorite) and thus neanderthals are really very old patriarchs whose foreheads and facial features continued to grow during their very long life spans,
  • Dannon Yogurt.

B) The Metaphorical Interpretation. The life spans described in the Bible are misinterpreted by modern man.

  • Ancient people were very stupid and thus could not tell the difference between months and years (even though this would mean that some of the patriarchs were getting busy in kindergarten),
  • Modern people are stupid and this obviously refers to to patriarchal dynasties,
  • Some other interpretation that explains away the obvious.

C) The Mythical Interpretation – There were no patriarchs since there was no Adam and this was all ripped off from some ancient Chinese bathroom wall and regurgitated by the Hebrews in order to keep their women folk in line or some such thing.

D) Brand New Interpretation of Your Creation (preferably involving aliens)

Have at it!