The defining attribute of be a parent is that the welfare of your child is more important than anything else. Anything else.
When, in 2007, Melissa and Tony Wescott of Oklahoma adopted their son they became his parents. After the adoption they discovered that the boy had several mental disorders that required treatment. Of course, more than anything else, a boy with such problems needs the unconditional love of his parents.
The good news is that after a year of institutionalization the boy is doing better and the Doctors say he is no longer a danger to himself or anyone else. His parents, however, say they do not want him back and want to return him to the state like faulty merchandise. I wonder if they want a store credit or a cash refund.
The State, rightly, says no way. Parents are parents and there are no give backsies.
Parents all over the world deal every day with unexpected hardship and heartbreak due to the suffering of their children. I am sorry to say, in a world afflicted with the ravages of original sin, this is part of the deal. Even the Mother of God suffered tremendous heartache so none of us are exempted.
But the bottom line is that once you have signed on to be the parent, that’s it, you are the parent. So stop worrying about yourself and start worrying about what is best for your child. I can say one thing unequivocally, running around to every news organization you can find talking about how you want to return your child is NOT in the best interest of your child.
Now its time for you to do two things, be a parent and shut up.
December 22, 2009 at 5:10 pm
On the other hand, I think cases like this one are why it's so hard to find homes for kids once they're past the baby/toddler stage….
Because, if you adopt a 9 year old, you'd better be prepared for serious baggage– after all, kids that age from loving, stable families don't come UP for adoption–
So, on one hand, once you adopt, it's permenant, but on the other, shouldn't the state have some duty to certify that the child is NOT an insane killer first?
Would you feel differently about this woman's situation if she had other, younger children in the home who might be at risk from her adopted son?
Dr. Ray (the radio guy) always warns parents that there are a lot of unexpected issues when you adopt and older kid, because chances are they've been seriously abused, or shuttled from foster home to foster home.
I think the main question in this case would be, did the state WARN the couple about the risks? Because it really would take a special kind of person and a phenomenal amount of grace to parent a child like that– heck, even normal well-adjusted kids have moments that leave you wanting to scream like a crazy person!
December 22, 2009 at 5:40 pm
I agree that the adoptive parents are behaving inappropriately and exacerbating an already bad situation, but (as Deidre mentioned previously) there may be some malfeasance on the part of the state/adoption agency as well. If the child's behavioral difficulties were not disclosed, I think that the parents are in a different situation legally. That doesn't change the overall badness of the situation, but I think that you are being somewhat naive if you think that there are not situations in which you would contemplate "giving back" an adopted child with previously undisclosed psychosis or schizophrenia who has stated that s/he wants to kill you. Don't be so quick to judge on this one! Some of these situations do not have a happy ending until the Eschaton.
December 22, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Follow-up: here is what the state told this couple during the pre-adoption process:
DHS disclosure documents call the child "well-behaved" and "polite and well mannered." He is described as "respectful toward authority" and "makes friends easily." The papers say he has no "significant behavioral problems which would be considered abnormal for a child his age."
December 22, 2009 at 5:55 pm
After listening to the short clip, the mother is really asking for help. I hear a plea for help. I believe she is honest and very fearful.
December 22, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Please don't confuse issues here. I do not doubt that it is very difficult for the Wescotts, but what they are doing is wrong.
If they feel and can prove that the state did not fully disclose his needs, then sue them for the support that they need. Sure.
But if you are the parent, then you are the parent and going on TV talking about how you no longer want your son is not going to help the boy which should be the paramount concern.
If the State did something wrong it should pay for it, but not at the expense of the boy.
December 22, 2009 at 6:01 pm
"But the bottom line is that once you have signed on to be the parent, that's it, you are the parent. So stop worrying about yourself and start worrying about what is best for your child. "
As an (adoptive) mother of two, I agree with this 100%, Patrick.
Adopted children do not come with "guarantees" any more than children do who are born into their families. When parents give birth to a baby they have no idea what the future holds, and the same is true for children who are adopted. State or private adoption agencies cannot guarantee the future physical or emotional health of a child. It doesn't work that way.
Stories like these sadly promote the notion that adoptive families are not "real" families and adopted children are not "your own". Adoptive families struggle every day with the stereotype that we are not permanent, real families. And stories like this are a big part of the reason that most people don't "get it".
A good friend of mine adopted a baby boy who was diagnosed with cancer 6 weeks after he came home. People actually asked me if me friend could "give him back". Nope, it doesn't work that way. You don't turn your back on your child.
December 22, 2009 at 6:44 pm
I disagree. There are times when the child is too dangerous. There are been several instances of reliquishing an adoption that really were in the best interest of both parties.
December 22, 2009 at 6:50 pm
Patrick, I completely disagree with you. So much so that I'm almost physically ill, but then again I've been a caretaker for a child with RAD.
"Because it really would take a special kind of person and a phenomenal amount of grace to parent a child like that"
It definitely takes a special kind of grace and personality. A child who has been seriously abused cannot simply be helped by "loving" they need structure and focus. They need stability from the parent despite what the parent faces.
These children divide families, pitting the mother against the father, till divorce is almost a given. The marriage must be solid, God centered in order to survive.
The state gets a nice bonus for every child it adopts out, they don't want to disclose the full medical and behavioral history.
The child then is sweet as butter to everyone on the outside, and a hellion with you. Everyone thinks you're crazy, doubts you and wonders what *you're* doing wrong since the child is just SO well behaved with them. Families become divided, fights break out and the child sits in the background and smiles a happy smile…
We tried to get help, begged the state, they sent CPS instead to see if we were abusing the kids, because we weren't giving enough hugs and were keeping things too structured. The kids were thriving (as much as they could), but they needed psychological help. Finally we told the state we'd give them back if they didn't help us…they sent help. They'd rather spend a few bucks on a therapist then have to deal with the children themselves. But even that was too much for them, after a few months and a trumped up abuse charges to stop giving us money (although the children were left with us evil abusers). The state only took them when they found out they could ship them to another state.
More than likely the state has already threatened them with abuse charges, the school thinks they're the problem, the family is shaky and everyone has judged them as unfit and wretched parents. She feels she has no where else to turn, wanting to get her son the help SHE CAN'T GIVE HIM.
I disagree with what this woman is doing, not because I don't understand, but because I know it will just make her a target. Either she or her husband will be accused of abuse, they will have their lives ruined and the child will probably be left with them. Abandoned by those who might help him, left with those who have no more resources to help him. Ah, but who cares, he'll probably just kill them in a couple years so their whining will stop and he'll be in jail.
December 22, 2009 at 7:52 pm
Failed adoption are actually not that uncommon. I read a stat that in Canada, 1 in 6 adoptions "fail"– the kid is sent back. There's a probation period to see if the kid gels with the rest of the family.
December 22, 2009 at 8:15 pm
Oh, if it happens all the time I guess it must be O.K.
December 22, 2009 at 8:31 pm
Walk a mile in that person's shoes, before judging.
December 22, 2009 at 8:31 pm
Christina,
It is not my intention to minimize the pain such situations can cause. I suppose my point is that the same thing can happen in natural families as well.
State involvement, and obvious culpability in some cases, does not really change my point. A parent, whether natural or adoptive, is a parent and should only have the child's best interest in mind. I some cases this may mean institutionalization or other undesirable and difficult things.
Parents sometimes must make very difficult choices in the interests of their children particularly when they are not equipped to deal with seriously ill children, but they don't stop being their parents.
Either way, I am sorry for your difficulties and if perhaps I was too flippant in my comments, I apologize.
December 22, 2009 at 8:36 pm
I'm the oldest kid in a family which adopted 11 kids of varying special needs, and honestly, you can't judge anyone in that situation unless you've done it yourself. Adopting a child with special needs is not the same as giving birth to a child with special needs. You have no idea what it can be like. One of my brothers is now in another home because he repeatedly beat my mother with broken furniture and a baseball bat. There's no lack of unconditional love in my parents house. I have the best parents in the world. But some of the problems that they attempted to deal with were above what they could handle, and it took years for some of them to come out. It's not the same as a birth child. You really have no idea. These parents may not be handling this situation the right way, but it's not how you are thinking.
December 22, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Given that the child in question has attempted to -KILL- his adoptive parents repeatedly I'm not so eager to decry the parents on this one.
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/tony-melissa-wescott-oklahoma-return-adopted-son/story%3Fid%3D9387389
The kid has tried to burn down the house a couple of times reportedly leaving a note reading "I'm sorry you have to die." They routinely were finding stolen kitchen knives and lighters under his mattress and were genuinely afraid for their lives.
If the story was "Adopted son murders parents and burns down house." What would we be saying then?
Now I do think that they should wait and see what he's like when he gets out of treatment.
Mostly it's just really sad that the state can't be bothered to provide any continuing support from this troubled family.
December 22, 2009 at 9:15 pm
I have to say, after watching the video and reading some more on this case, I think you're way off base. RAD alone is an extremely serious disorder, and topping it off with FAS, PTSD, MDD, among? Wow. I'm sorry, but I can't fault these people. The woman certainly does NOT come off as callous and uncaring. Sometimes removal from parents IS in the best interest of the child.
Disturbed children DO murder their adoptive parents. They DO murder, rape, and abuse other children and adults. It happens, it's real, and I don't blame them at all for saying that they're completely overwhelmed and incapable of parenting this child. And I'm sorry, but I don't believe for a second that a year of institutionalization has "cured" him.
You're trying to compare this situation to a blood child, and that's extremely unfair. Because if he had been their natural son, he would NOT have these disorders. You don't get RAD out of the blue, it happens from extreme neglect and abuse. It's inexcusable to place a child like that for adoption without full disclosure. Absolutely inexcusable.
My heart breaks for that poor kid and what he must have gone through. But don't make the adoptive parents the bad guys, please. The blame belongs only on the person that abused this child.
December 22, 2009 at 11:06 pm
For those defending the adoptive parents: how does going on TV an announcing to the world that you don't want your child help? Is that going to help the child, or exacerbate the problems he has?
Adoptive parents should know going into an adoption that there is a high probability of emotional issues that will arise, especially with older children.
I'm not saying that they're wrong that they can't handle him, or that they're wrong to be afraid, or that they're wrong to want him out of the home…but they should still be acting like parents, which means not just protecting themselves but acting in the best interests of the child.
Why would a loving, caring parent go on national TV with this?
December 22, 2009 at 11:53 pm
I could say a lot about this as an adoptive parent myself. All that I will say, is that these folks should be handling this much more discreetly, because what they are in is actually a very uncommon situation, and by publicizing this, they are doing a disservice to many older foster children in need of loving parents, and to any prospective parents who may now be afraid to step out in faith to love a child in need. I repeat – this is NOT COMMON – Dr. Ray warns you to be practical and expect certain frustrations, but also acknowledges that the stereotype of older foster child as serial killer is way out of line.
December 23, 2009 at 12:07 am
I'll add that the most humble and loving father I know is an adoptee. And the most unstable, drug-addicted psychopath I know was raised from birth by her natural parents with every privelege and opportunity in the world. Nothing but trouble from age 12 to 28, and counting. You never know what you're gonna get.
I'm also not saying adoption is easy, or that everyone is called to it. But I am saying that we Catholics and other Christians should heed our Lord's command to care for the widows and orphans. That was not just a suggestion for the extremely wealthy and/or infertile. If the culture of death is going to continue killing in the womb and abandoning after birth, then the culture of life must be prepared to sacrifice our own treasure and comfort in order to give them love. Please at least prayerfully discern, and do enough real research to find out the truth of these matters instead of being influenced by common perceptions in the culture and media.
As Patrick said in the original post, it's not about you, it's about them.
December 23, 2009 at 1:15 am
With all due respect: have the people who are writing in with defenses of "adoption returns" really thought through the idea of "it's so horrible to have an uncontrollable child, people should have the right to return adopted children"? Take the idea that Patrick already mentioned: would you be prepared to do this to your natural child?
Please try to keep these ideas clear and straight: having a son/daughter remanded into the custody of the police and/or psychological ward of a hospital is one thing (and may be necessary, in extreme circumstances); disowning him/her is something completely different. I see no reason, whatsoever, why "disowning" would ever be necessary. No one is suggesting that "return for refund" and "take no action and wait to be killed by your child" are the only two options, people! Have some sense!
This particular case tugs the heartstrings, but it doesn't justify what the adoptive parents are trying to do; A for intent, F for implementaion. "Buyer's remorse" is a filthy phenomenon to infect parenthood. It goes to show what decades of IVF and other malformations of sacred sexuality can do to us, if we only wait, I guess…
December 23, 2009 at 7:52 am
But biological parents lose custody of their children sometimes too, like what already happened with the biological parents of any adopted kid.
So in fact, even biological parents SOMETIMES give up on the parenting-projects, several different reasons. It's more commonly problems of the PARENTS though, than problems of the kid.