Obama Administration: Oh. We are so very upset that somebody—definitely not us—leaked to CNN that we were considering a retaliatory strike against Yemen.

I mean, we were very serious about it, which definitely proves that we are not soft on national security (even though we refuse to call terrorists terrorists and we mirandize them and stuff).

And yes, the guy’s father did tell us about him over a month ago and we were like totally watching him, like while he was in Yemen. But nobody told us we should watch him like after he left. Dick Cheney totally bogarted all the manuals when he left so we are just like totally inventing new procedures and stuff.

So like we were saying, we are not soft on national security cause we were really talking about bombing Yemen as soon as we figured out where it actually was. But of course now that someone leaked this highly critical information to CNN—again, definitely not us—we can’t do it anymore.

But we were gonna. Really. Seriously.

All this just goes to show that the system worked.

(reading memo)

Like I was saying, this all goes to show that the system is totally broken. But we are gonna get on fixing this broken system that George Bush broke and fix it right away. Well, as soon as we get back from vacation.

In the meantime, Janet Napolitano has everything under control. Don’t worry.

Well you should worry if you live in Yemen ’cause we are like totally gonna bomb you, before. But you are probably ok now.

But if you don’t live in Yemen, don’t worry cause , cause, um well… cause we don’t think many Yemenis or Nigerians can afford underwear, either the exploding kind or the regular kind. Which is something we should totally do something about since underwear is a human right and you might be a terrorist too if you couldn’t afford underwear. Or something.