Doesn’t anyone want to be a grown-up anymore?
When I was a child I wanted to grow up to be an adult. But now it seems so many of the adults I meet seemingly want to be children.
I met an old friend recently and had my five kids in tow. I introduced him as Mr. So-and-so. And right away he interrupts me and says to my kids, “Oh, just call me Ed. Mr. So-and-so was my father.”
So my children look nervously between me and “Ed,” and they opt for quick hellos and avert their eyes.
What is it with people?
I know he meant it as a way to connect with my children, but isn’t it really an obstacle in that it confuses the relationship? My mother has friends who I wouldn’t dream of calling by their first name. In fact, I don’t even know their first names now that I think about it.
Read the rest at the National Catholic Register.
January 14, 2010 at 5:47 pm
A friend of mine got around that by telling her children to call the man "Mr. Ed" or "Mrs. Sally." That way, the line wasn't crossed and the friendly gesture, well-meant, wasn't rejected.
I'm still Ms. Therese Z to the kids, now in their 20's. We like it that way!
January 14, 2010 at 6:09 pm
Mr. First Name and Mrs.(Miss.) First name is what we do especially for our peers that seem to hate "Mr. Archbold" (using your example). It's not perfect, but it does help with that ackwardness.
January 14, 2010 at 6:13 pm
It sounds like a reverse ageism. Ageism is the prejudice against old folks. So, this practice tries to do away with that.
I agree with you that this is not formative to the young who would mistakenly infer that there is no need to respect people in authority or the experience of the elderly.
January 14, 2010 at 6:15 pm
It's the same familiarity that I detest regarding Priests, Doctors, etc.
It is another sign of the decline of our culture. No respect to fellow citizens and our elders.
I'm in my mid 40's and I still call my older neighbors and family friends, "Mr. and Mrs. XXXXX", etc.
January 14, 2010 at 6:35 pm
I have to admit that I'm a young pup with two very young children (one who is talking pretty well now). I am struggling with what to have them call my close friends. My friends, too, don't like being called Mr./Mrs. Last Name, but it's a struggle for me to have my boys say, "Hi First Name." I think I'm going to talk to my friends about it. Thanks for the gentle reminder.
January 14, 2010 at 6:41 pm
I went to a school for a few years (6th-8th grade)where we called some of our teachers by their first names, and some used the Mr./Mrs. titles. Interestingly, though, I don't remember calling my friends' parents, or my parents' friends, for that matter, ANYTHING. Weird.
Now I'm a big proponent of the Mr./Mrs. thing…even with our closest friends, our kids still use the titles, despite the fact that they think our friends' kids are their cousins, even. A few we've given the "Aunt/Uncle" title to, to use the first name, or the "Mr./Mrs. (first name)", just to make it easier for the ADULTS.
January 14, 2010 at 6:51 pm
I know this is gonna sound strange. When I was a kid it was completely unacceptable to refer to anyone by their first name alone. Many parents found themselves in this dilema–what to have my children call my best friend who is like a brother to me? My parents opted for the more familiar Uncle or Aunt. I still call my mother's cousin, who is 78, Aunt Bobbie. We have opted for this on several occasions, especially with my own cousins. We expect our children to use Mr. or Mrs. Lastname when referring to most of our friends. However, we will permit Mr. or Miss Firstname on a case-by-case basis.
January 14, 2010 at 7:10 pm
When we were growing up in Washington State, my husband and I would never think of addressing adults by their first name. We've insisted that our kids do the same. On occasion, when adults have balked at this, we will let the adult know this is our rule and we expect our children to adhere to it.
Being in the military, we've travelled around the world and the country and have come to see this practice of calling adults by their last name is partially regional. In Texas and Oklahoma adults regularly go by Mr. First Name and Miss First Name–not our preference so we asked our children to continue to adhere to our rule of address.
I think the neighborhood kids here find us a bit intimidating as my husband and I will correct them as well and insist they call us Mr. and Mrs. Last Name. I guess we're just not satisfied correcting our own children, we've got to get on the neighborhood kids too. What a couple of ol' crabs! Still, in our mind, it is the right and proper way to address adults.
January 14, 2010 at 7:50 pm
To add a funny/sweet memory, I know a woman whose brother is a priest. She didn't like the idea of her children calling him "Uncle First Name" (does not recognize his priesthood) or "Father First Name" (does not recognize his family connection).
While they were at least grade-school age, they called him "Uncle Father!"
January 14, 2010 at 8:05 pm
When I was really little, I couldn't pronouce my best friend's last name (it was a very long, ethnic name) , so her parents were Mr. Megan's Dad and Mrs. Megan's mom.
I have no idea whose idea that was, but I can't even imagine calling them by their first names. I still call them Mr. and Mrs. Lastname.
January 14, 2010 at 9:11 pm
Our kids go to public school in a very liberal neighborhood where most of the kids feel free to call adults by their first names. You would not believe the reputation I have for being VERY STRICT about being called "Mr. Schultz" and for having my kids show the same respect. My kids tell me that EVERYONE at school knows never to call me by my first name.
I have two exceptions to this rule, however:
The first is the Dutch Uncle Rule. There are some adults who are so close to our family that they are called "Aunt" or "Uncle." My godson, for instance, will (when he learns to talk) be allowed to call me "Uncle Dutch."
The second is the Co-Worker Rule. Basically, this means that if two people are doing the same job, they get to call each other by their first names. My son and I have had a job working summer festivals in Grant Park since he was fourteen and I have always allowed him to call our adult co-workers by their first names. The same holds true at the Lyric Opera, where my kids have worked as extras since they were six or seven.
January 14, 2010 at 10:19 pm
With my Scouts and other kids, I expect to be called "Mr. White". Many of the other adults prefer the first name thing, but I always refer to them as "Mr. X" or "Mrs. Y" when directed at youth.
When they turn 18, I tell them to call by my first name. A recognition of their new status as an adult. Some can, some can't, but all call me "Mr. White" until then.
A common thing in Virginia, even with my own kids, is to do the "Miss (first name)", regardless of the marital status of the woman.
Drives me crazy, and sounds ridiculous.
Now on the flip side, I do refer to all males as "sir" and all females as "ma'am", regardless of age. Confers a level of respect, I think. Probably just me.
January 14, 2010 at 10:23 pm
I like the Mr/Mrs/Miss thing in principle, but I do struggle with it in reality now as an adult. I wasn't raised with it (I think my mom tried to rectify that with younger sibs) and as a smart kid I always interacted with adults better than with kids, thus reinforcing my poor manners.
I guess I would probably teach kids to use the honorific but if an adult gave permission for my kids to address him by his first name, I wouldn't be bothered by it, either. I don't particularly want to be called "Miss" or "Mrs" + surname, not as any form of protest, but because my first name is a. what I'm used to hearing and b. a much more essential part of my identity than current surname or marital status. Maybe that's foolish but I'd tell kids to call me by my first name- I'd rather that than be an "aunt" to someone I have no relation to.
January 14, 2010 at 11:00 pm
I was taught to address folks as Mr. and Mrs. Last-name, Sir, or Ma'am. As an adult, I ask what they would like me to call them (usually first name) – but it's polite to ask them, not assume. I would LIKE to be called Mrs. Oldham by anyone under the age 18 or those who do not know me (telemarketers esp. – if one more asks for Sarah I'm going to scream!). MANY parents assume and introduce me to their kids as Miss Sarah . . . which I pretty much loathe. BUT 'cos I did my time in the South, I "get" it that it's just being polite. I still don't like it. My kids, military kids, say Mr., Mrs. Last-name, Sir, and Ma'am. Unless the yokels say "call me Miss.First-name" etc. I'd rather wear an hair shirt than call anyone Miss. I had a neighbour friend tell me her children would call me Miss Sarah because it was what she wanted, irregardless of my feelings. Now that is irksome, but I refuse to have a stroke over it.
January 14, 2010 at 11:04 pm
It seems that the trend nowadays is for both children and adults to attach a person's first name to the a title (be it Mr/Mrs, Doctor or even Father).
Calling someone by their first name, even if you are using their given title, automatically establishes a relationship as friends, peers and prevents formality of any kind. It is a semi-subtle way of avoiding acknowledging different roles and a tool most often used by the poorly educated (in social etiquette) or the insecure.
The best we can do is to patiently take the time to explain what we are to be called and to firmly & kindly remind people when they slip.
I have found that children & adults respond well to this when administered charitably.
….which isn't to say that it isn't frustrating. Only that its curable!
– Fr. Maurer
January 14, 2010 at 11:36 pm
I grew up in east Texas, which has a Deep South culture. The custom was to call my parents' close friends "Uncle Bob" or "Aunt Susan," less close but still frequently seen friends as "Mr. Dan" or "Ms. Jane," and all other adults Mr. or Ms. Lastname. We've adopted this custom with our own children, as it saved us the problem of insisting that our kids use far different names from what we called our friends, but preserved the position of respect.
January 15, 2010 at 2:17 am
All of this reminds me a very strict mother who insisted that everyone in our street be addressed correctly, but more particulary must be spoken to if our paths crossed.
When my twin brother and I were about 8 years old we were sent to the corner shop and Mum waited at our front gate to see our safe return. When we arrived at the gate Mum asked, Tom did you speak to Mrs.Pike..Mrs.Pike an old lady always sat on the front verandah and watched people go by… "No, Mum was my reply" so she then asked my brother Bill, "Bill did you speak to Mrs Pike, and again "No, Mum " was the reply.
"Well then I expect you both to walk down the street and speak to her" was her motherly advice given sternly to teach us both a valuable lesson". That was 60 years ago and I have never forgotten that lesson amongst many others given lovingly and emphatically over my childhood. Like others, many neighbours were "Auntie" but that was only allowed with the consent of those addressed.
All forgotten now along with that pleassant little word "please" which appears to have left the language completely by many young people.
January 15, 2010 at 10:17 pm
My parents insisted on Mr/Mrs/Miss for adults. The Unitarian minister insisted on his first name. As a result, I was unable to address him.
My parents taught be to be polite. But they were very antiCatholic and told me never to speak to priests and nuns. The good little Catholic children told me that it was very rude to pass a priest or sister without saying "Good morning Father, Good Morning Sister." Between my house and the public elementary school was a Catholic church and rectory on one side of the road, Convent on the other side. I had to walk through there every day, trying desperately not to walk by a priest or nun, as I could not pass one by without being rude and thus in my view disobeying my parents, but also could not speak to one without disobeying my parents!
January 16, 2010 at 9:47 pm
That sort of familiarity in calling folks by the first name will only breed disrespect.