VATICAN CITY – In what might amount to a complete reversal on longstanding Church teaching, the Pope has indicated that under certain circumstances it might be licit for TSA workers to employ the use of full body condoms.
The pontiff makes the comments in a book-length interview with a journalist from “Trains, Planes, and Volkswagens” magazine, “Don’t Touch the Junk: Dirty, Sexy, Airport” The Vatican newspaper ran excerpts of the book Saturday.
Church teaching has long opposed condoms since they’re a form of artificial contraception. The Vatican has been harshly criticized for its position given the AIDS crisis.
Benedict said that for TSA agents and their victims — for whom contraception isn’t a central issue — condoms are not a moral solution. But he said they could be justified “in the intention of reducing the risk of infection.”
The Pope went on to say that while the level of intimate contact performed by TSA agents is never morally permissible outside of marriage (and even then its kinda iffy), that he could understand why the victims would prefer that the agents wore full body condoms.
While opposition to condoms is a long-standing church position, the Vatican felt constrained to step in and say Benedict wanted to stress that a reliance on full body condoms distracted from the need for proper training of TSA agents.
The Catholic group Voice of the Faithful hailed this statement as an important first step toward the legitimization of condom use and the ultimate goal of sex anytime, anyplace, with anyone.
Voice of the Faithful spokesperson, Frieda Hump said “Normally, we ignore what the Pope says but we think this latest statement should be binding on all the faithful. It should be considered ex catheter or something. You know, ’cause we like this one. But you can still ignore the other stuff if you want.”
The TSA responded by complaining that Vatican is speaking about them as if they are Norwegian sex workers. They wish to emphasize that only a small percentage of TSA agents are actually Norwegian.
Finally, the Pope was asked whether, being celibate, he could understand the complex issues surrounding TSA screenings. The Pope responded in the affirmative but also acknowledged that he can no longer fly commercially to the U.S. and maintain his vows.
November 22, 2010 at 7:47 pm
Brilliant as usual! Keep up the good work!
November 22, 2010 at 8:06 pm
Reading the headline of this post, I thought "Oh cripes, what now?" Once I hit "Planes, Trains & Volkswagens" I was laughing too hard to care.
November 22, 2010 at 8:11 pm
"Frieda Hump" LOL, I'm just glad I put down my soda before reading this, or I would have ruined my computer screen! Excellent work!
November 22, 2010 at 8:28 pm
Awesome, Pat! The Onion couldn't do better!
November 22, 2010 at 8:48 pm
Thank you, I think I've recovered a bit of sanity via your indefatigable humour. 馃榾
November 22, 2010 at 11:37 pm
this has got to be one of the most hilarious things I have seen in a long time!
November 23, 2010 at 1:09 am
when will we end all of these condomnations?
November 23, 2010 at 2:40 am
You guys are funny. I just shared a link to this blog in a bledit. http://bleditor.com/bledit.php?bleditID=14994
November 23, 2010 at 4:13 am
Superb.
Why should I have to submit either to electronic stripping, or sexual molestation by a TSA agent, in order to fly?
There has to be a better way (and there is: it's called profiling for people who belong to a religion that includes a totalitarian political agenda).
November 23, 2010 at 6:19 am
I keep seeing Inspector Drebin as the TSA agent.
November 23, 2010 at 8:19 pm
LOL LOL LOL!
November 24, 2010 at 1:34 am
Too funny!
November 24, 2010 at 4:52 pm
THIS WHOLE STORY IS NOT TRUE. FOR ONCE, EVEN THE SECULAR MEDIA IN ITALY IS ON THE POPE'S SIDE! The paragraph was taken out of context, remember Regensburg? And it was done by "L'Osservatore Romano". Many are calling for the sacking of its Editor. He had to know that the world's media would have another feeding frenzy, this time making out, "What do you know, the Pope has changed his mind." Read the full excerpt; you can find it in many places. The Pope's views on condoms are those of many doctors and scientists, even one American professor at Harvard in charge of a department studying AIDS, a Prof. Green, do look him and his opinion up. It is all so simple. Promiscuous sex life = diseases. The Catholic Church does more than any other institution in the world to help those with AIDS. The UN sends ship loads of condoms. The Church sends careworkers, medicines, and builds clinics etc. Big difference. Marcella from England
November 24, 2010 at 5:46 pm
Hello Anon,
Don't talk of what you clearly aren't informed about. It is indeed the stance of the Catholic Church (because the Pope said so), that condoms are immoral because they prohibit the act of procreation; whereas doctors approve of the use of condoms.
November 27, 2010 at 6:30 am
I heard our passports are going to require a scanner picture of us so they can compare "before" or "official" to the person claiming to be us in line.
I think they should add it to our drivers licenses for alcohol card checks too. I'm not just a number…or a face!