I’ve pleaded for the rare and precious tofurkey in year’s past. But perhaps this time my pleas will be heard.
Vegetarians around the planet were horrified to learn recently that the popular Thanksgiving dish for vegetarians called Tofurkey doesn’t actually derive from the vegetarian bean curd known as Tofu but from a very small and extraordinarily cute endangered species called the Tofurkey.
This is the first photo of a Tofurkey taken at a farm in Rhode Island just moments before it was skinned, torn limb from limb, had its eyes removed while still alive, and was finally dipped in boiling oil.
A tofurkey farm is not a typical farm. The tofurkey is extraordinarily cute and very inexpensive to keep because they’re fed exclusively by hugs and smiles. “That’s all they need,” said one tofurkey farmer. “And they’ve got these huge expressive eyes that melt your heart.” It’s those expressive eyes that make “slaughter season” very hard for tofurkey owners.
Most tofurkeys spend their days playing with balloons, blowing bubbles, and singing in high pitched angelic voices. “They don’t speak English or nothing but sometimes just listenin’ to ’em makes me think about puppies and angels,” said one tofurkey owner.
The misunderstanding for vegetarians originated because of the similarities between the names Tofurkey and Tofu. One Tofurkey farmer said he never lied about where Tofurkey came from but he’s glad to profit from the misunderstanding. “I think those wacky vegetarians just wanted to believe they were eating Tofu and I wasn’t about to tell ’em no different.”
He said that back when his “product” began doing brisk business he wondered why. “I know those little cute tofurkeys don’t really taste so good so I wondered why so many people was eating ’em. But hey, who am I to complain?”
Vegans and vegetarians have been shocked and horrified at the discovery of this Tofurkey farm. “Every time I ate Tofurkey on Thanksgiving I felt so principled and better than everyone else,” said one vegetarian. “I’m going to miss that feeling.”
(Originally posted on a previous Thanksgiving but I think I’m funny so I put it back up.)
November 21, 2012 at 5:25 am
I've known some Tibetan buddhists for years and their teachers say if you continue to eat something that resembles meat etc. then in fact you are still attached to meat. The whole idea is to stop eating it and walk away from from the idea of eating animals altogether.
November 21, 2012 at 3:44 pm
You are what you eat.
November 21, 2012 at 4:37 pm
Every time I read this I enjoy it. Thanks for reposting.
November 21, 2012 at 6:51 pm
The heck with Tofurkey, I want the BacTurkon – Bacon inside a turkey inside bacon.
November 21, 2012 at 7:16 pm
Or this one: http://youtu.be/eAjhG09X9YA
November 21, 2012 at 7:22 pm
Beware of language and innuendo in both vids.
November 21, 2012 at 10:46 pm
@MSC: Buddhists, even monks, are allowed to eat meat—provided they didn't kill it, and it wasn't killed exclusively to be given to them. Of course, that's in the context of mendicant monks (if they're begging, and someone gives them meat, they're allowed to eat it); it might be different for the kind of established monasteries Tibetans have.
November 22, 2012 at 12:02 am
This is our first Thanksgiving as vegans. 🙂
November 22, 2012 at 3:36 pm
I am counting the seconds until Jainism becomes a fad in the US.
November 26, 2013 at 7:02 pm
Sure, those little critters would be fine for hors d'oeuvres, but for a main course on Thanksgiving Day nothing is better than the traditional oven-broiled sophomore.
November 26, 2013 at 10:09 pm
Ever since I watched PBS' Nature: My Life as a Turkey – any turkey dinner hasn't been quite as enjoyable.
By the way… the sneaks at PBS are repeating "My Life as a Turkey" on Wednesday evening right before Thanksgiving! My family will NOT be tuning in this year.
November 27, 2013 at 3:47 pm
This is making me really want to try a Turducken.