In a stunning move, St. Louis Archbishop Raymond Burke, a veteran of clashes between Catholic bishops and politicians, has now announced that he’s turning his ire towards the bishops who ok’d Catholic hospitals administering of abortifacients.
Burke has attempted to for years to enlist fellow bishops to deny Holy Communion to wayward politicians. But now the conservative cleric is invoking the church’s highest punishment — mortal sin — to persuade the lay and ordained Catholics who distribute Communion at Mass to safeguard the sacrament by refusing communion to the bishops of Connecticut.
Drawing on the works of the late Italian Jesuit scholar Felice Cappello, Burke says those ministers are “held, under pain of mortal sin, to deny the sacraments to the unworthy.”
On the other hand, Lesbian Priest of the Liberal Catholic Church Candy Feelgood said the Connecticut bishops are guilty only of “daring 21st century ecumenism.”
“If they’re guilty of anything it’s loving too much,” said Feelgood. “If Archbishop Burke is against these poor bishops receiving communion they can always come here. We actually leave the communion wafers in a bag and anyone can come up and take it and eat it. It comes with three different flavors of salsa dip too. There’s no reason Jesus shouldn’t taste good.”
In a stunning move, Planned Parenthood is siding with Archbishop Burke in exclaiming their displeasure with the Connecticut Bishops. “We’ve monopolized the abortion industry for so long that we’re not happy to see any competitors enter this line of business,” said Planned Parenthood spokesperson Ivana Muerte. “If someone wants a baby dead they should have to come see us and we’ll take care of the problem for the low low price of $148.”
Muerte said the new competitor in the field may force the abortion giant to start discount abortions or perhaps offer a 2 for 1 deal on Sundays.
The Connecticut Bishops said they were still unsure of the science of abortion and the Church hadn’t clearly issued any directives on the issue of murder.