Where did the whole “saving movies” thing start. Before I got married I never would’ve dreamed about having someone save a movie for me. And I wouldn’t have listened to anyone who asked me to save a movie for them.

But my wife feels quite comfortable asking me not to go see this movie or that movie alone. Essentially she’s declaring a certain movie off limits. I’m just wondering where did this authority come from. Because here’s the real nut of the problem: WE NEVER GET TO THE MOVIES. I mean never never never. But she still feels very comfortable declaring any movie of any quality off limits.

So if I sneak out of the house at 10 p.m. on a random Saturday night after all the kids are asleep I have a list of movies I can’t go see. But anything with any romance in it, she’s called as a couple movie. Any big action epic she says she’d love to go see it with me because she knows I enjoy them. So here’s the issue: the fact that I enjoy them makes me unable to go see it. So I end up seeing a lot of post-apocalyptic armed vampire movies. Anything with zombies I’ve seen it. It’s the only genre that my wife has no interest in seeing.

She asked about Cloverfield and I was so frightened that she would call a save that I explained it succinctly as “A monster Eats New York.” She looked at me for a moment questioning me. Then she asked, “Is there any romance in it?” My hopes for taking in a late Friday Cloverfield movie were vanishing quickly. So I went with the only tool I have in my belt at such times. I mocked. That’s all I’ve got. I’m very limited. So I said, “I don’t think the monster falls in love with a skyscraper.”

And she then gave me a withering stare. But I’m used to it. I only pretend to wither when I see it now.

But here’s the thing. I liked Cloverfield. It was the best monster movie I’ve seen in a long time. But I no longer have a frame of reference outside of monsters, zombies and vampires. I miss my high-falutin movies. I haven’t seen an Oscar contender in eight years. I’m addicted to Ghost Hunters on the Sci-Fi network. My wife has damaged my artistic taste. Shame on her.