On the heels of the shocking revelations about Gov. Rod Blagojevich in the Illinois Pay to Play scandal, CMR Investigations has uncovered an even more shocking scandal. CMR has uncovered a transcript from a wiretap that is part of a secret Interpol investigation that will soon rock Rome. The names have been altered to protect the ongoing investigation.
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Cardinal Assistant #1 : Good afternoon. I have that list of names you requested for the Westminster job.
Prelate #XVI : So what are they offering for the job.
Cardinal Assistant #1 : Well, Episcopal Candidate #3 is offering his fervent prayers.
Prelate #XVI : Prayers? **** that! This job is a valuable ******* thing! You just don’t give a valuable ******* thing like this away for nothing!
Cardinal Assistant #1 : So what should I tell them that you want?
Prelate #XVI : You tell them I want ******* money! I want €500,000 wired to my offshore account or come January 2, these Magic Circle mother******* will be sittin’ on their ***** in their pathetic little dioceses while I give the American Burke the Westminster job. See how those mother******* like that!
Cardinal Assistant #1 : Well Episcopal Candidate #5 hinted that he would be open to such a deal, but he will need a few weeks to raise the money from donations.
Prelate #XVI : See, I always thought that Episcopal Candidate #5 was a smart son-of-a-*****. Anyone else?
Cardinal Assistant #1 : Well, Episcopal Candidate #1 might be a problem. He suggested he is uncomfortable with such a quid pro quo.
Prelate #XVI : Uncomfortable with a quid pro quo? Isn’t that the same mother****** who completely ignored my motu proprio and now this ****** is dropping latin phrases on me? Uncomfortable? I’ll show the ****** uncomfortable. Get me my albino assassin!
Cardinal Assistant #1 : I am sorry, we don’t actually have any albino assassins.
Prelate #XVI : What? ****** movies are always too good to be true. Do we have any albinos?
Cardinal Assistant #1 : We do have one albino, Br. Bob in accounting.
Prelate #XVI : O yeah, I saw that ***** at the Christmas party last year. He is a freaky looking ***** but he doesn’t strike me as the assassin type. I’ll tell you what, why don’t we just send that skinny Brit who writes for the Telegraph after him. He hates that ****** anyway.
Cardinal Assistant #1 : No problem, I’m on it.
Prelate #XVI : Alright. So tell Episcopal Candidate #5 that if the money is in my account by this time next week, the ****** job is his.
Cardinal Assistant #1 : Done.
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December 12, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Taking ourselves lightly is not antithetical to taking ourselves seriously. I completely agree with your assessment of how we have made things cheap, but that’s not due to the ability or even the predilection to make light of things. We’ve made things cheap because we’ve treated them like the don’t matter. Can jokes do this? Yes. Do they necessarily do this? No. Can they focus on things that others have treated cheaply, and yet not cheapen them? Yes.
The preponderance of comics in our modern age is not why we have fine-tuned senses of humor. We’ve had comics in every age (they loved their jesters in the middle ages), because God gives us a sense of humor. Do some people use that inappropriately? Yes. Does that mean we somehow shouldn’t touch anything about church with humor? I think that’s overreaching. A joke mocking the Real Presence is heretical and inappropriate. A script that pokes fun of corruption by making a comparison that is completely unbelievable is hilarious.
Yes, altering a sacred prayer for the purpose of finding a parking space lacks some taste. But if we start trivialising our lives, and not inviting God into things because it’s too small, anyone who looks at the world around them will soon find all their concerns too unimportant to ask God for help with. I’ve been in that place, and it’s a very unhappy, un-faith-filled, empty place to be. God is so big all our problems are small — and yet he’s also big enough to care about all of them, even things like parking spaces.
This is a really sad line of discussion for such a funny post, but unfortunately, unlike Chesterton, I do not have the gift of making a point succinctly and yet wittily and funnily.
December 12, 2008 at 3:46 pm
In college, we used to ask St. Boniface for a parking space. I don’t think he minds per se, though I’m sure he sometimes asks God why HIS name had to be the one that rhymed with “space.”
December 12, 2008 at 3:48 pm
“A script that pokes fun of corruption by making a comparison that is completely unbelievable is hilarious.”
I have to agree with this assessment, the above quote in particular. Some Catholic blogs noted for their humor tend be rather tame, as in, “little old lady” kind of funny, as opposed to “ROTFLMAO” kind of funny. The exceptions are few and far between. When they are, they are taking a risk. That’s what comedy does, in poking fun at the human condition. Eventually, it will aim itself at the humans in that condition.
December 12, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Kat: “But does that Hail Mary parking thing actually work?”
Yes, actually it does indeed.
Hail Mary, full of grace, please find me a parking space.
It reminds me of an older prayer, which also works.
Tony, Tony, please come ’round, something’s lost and must be found.
December 12, 2008 at 11:13 pm
“Forgive me if your servant speaks to you yet one more time”
I’ve been to school on this one, so bear with me.
Once when I was in the Army at Ft. Hood, several other men and I were detailed to clean the base chapel.
When we arrived, the sacred vessels had inexplicably been left on the altar. See the opportunity for a little comic relief, a couple of men took the vessels, pretended to drink from them and staggered around the altar as if they were drunk, making various comments they thought were funny.
I was horrified, of course, but could not think what to say to bring a stop to this sacrilege.
This chapel was also used for Potestant service, and I was standing right by an open bible placed on a stand there. Like a man looking for a plank after ship- wreck, I looked down in the scripture to see if I could find some help in this plight. The first words my eyes fell upon were, “Woe to the man who does not rebuke those who mishandle the sacred vessels.”
It was enough to call the men over and simply point to the scripture. They both said, “Whoa!” and gingerly returned the vessels to the altar.
This incident left a deep impression on me, however, and made me very reticent about keeping silence in analagous situations.
When Nzie says “Does that mean we somehow shouldn’t touch anything about church with humor?” he misses the point entirely. Of course there are many things in the Church and many situations that are hilarious.
When Thomas More and Bishop John Fisher were being brought to the Tower of London at the same time, they had to pass through a very narrow gate. St. John Fisher said, “This is a very narrow gate, St. Thomas, surely we must be in the right way.” Surely that brought a smile to the lips of both men.
Even the executioners must have smiles some 18 mos later when Thomas More said to them, “Help me up. Coming down I shall shift for myself.”
There are many other examples. When both Pope John XXIII and a rabbi approached a door in the Vatican, Pope John indicated the rabbi should precede him, saying , “The Old Testament before the New,” a wonderful, interfaith bon mot.
But the humor of the Church in all ages studiously avoids treating *consecrated* persons, places and things lightly. They are sacred vessels, as it were. The Old Testament is very firm on this point. We do not want to be weighed in the balance and found wanting, like the king who had the sacred vessels brought in for common use at a banquet he gave.
Now, which vessels, and which priesthood is superior, that of the Old Testament or the New?
Obviously, the New. And which is more holy, the vessel or the living High Priest who makes use of it, and whose words make the wine contained in those vessels the living blood of Jesus Christ Our Lord, who teaches with the authority of Jesus Christ Himself, and who governs in His name?
So we need to be very careful here.
“My ways are not your ways” says the Lord, “nor my thoughts your thoughts.”
December 12, 2008 at 11:50 pm
I appreciate your experiences, and the horror of the vessels being used in such a way. I still simply do not understand why this post is in any way offensive to the Pope. It does not do any harm to the Pope, nor does it expose him to ridicule for any faults, real or imagined.
I do not see any causal relationship between good humor and bad humor; it is not a “slippery slope” because they are not on the same slope. Humor that is sacrilegious comes from sacrilege, not from jokes that are inoffensive. If there is someone who makes both kinds of jokes, it is the “okay” humor that is the anomaly, a happy accident. The people who are lighthearted and faithful don’t make those jokes.
I do respect your opinions, however. I think I tend towards the more lenient attitude because I taught Confirmation class for three years, and the kids were already self-alienated by their misconceptions that Church and humor could never coexist.
Also, I’m a “she” despite my foray in the “boys only” topic last week. đŸ™‚
~Nzie
December 13, 2008 at 4:51 am
I typically choose to stay out of these conversations as anything that I say will naturally seem defensive. So without further eloquence and against my better judgment…
Invariably when engaged in an effort at “Catholic humor” there will always be those who fail to see the humor. This is sometimes to due to the lameness of the joke, the evident lack of good taste or judgment on the part of the author, and yes sometimes because some readers just don’t get the joke (or any joke).
I am not making a claim for any for any of the possible reasons in this particular case. Needless to say, I think the joke is funny since I wrote it. It is funny, I hope, because it is so patently absurd. I conclude that majority of our readers agreed but as always some do not. I harbor no ill will when someone simply thinks me unfunny. (that would be too long a list of those to harbor ill will were it otherwise.)
The position or opinion that “Patrick, you are simply not funny,” is one I can sympathize with and maybe even sometimes agree.
However when someone, even through the carom of analogy, accuses me of sacrilege I take notice. That is something altogether unfriendly.
Accused of subjective distastefulness, morbidness, silliness, lameness, or even dullness and I will make no quarrel (and possibly even agree).
Sacrilege however, manifestly more serious and more objective, would seem to require something noticeably more unambiguous than “I didn’t like your joke.”
Were one to liberally brandish such an accusation on the basis an individual interpretation, one runs the risk of being even more distasteful than the target of his accusation.
Admittedly when one regularly engages in attempts at humor, one often risks being thought a fool or even foul. Yet that seems a lesser risk than the fault of unjust accusation.
December 13, 2008 at 8:01 pm
“However when someone, even through the carom of analogy, accuses me of sacrilege I take notice. That is something altogether unfriendly.”
As far as friendliness goes, I would not be at your blog once or twice a day if I did not value you work and respect you personally. Beyond that, we are brothers in Christ by virtue of our Baptism and so are bound by ties of charity. Those I did not and do not wish to tamper with in the least.
As far as accusation goes, I did not wish to accuse you of sacrilege, but merely to point out to you and your readers in the friendliest possible way that the piece was sacrilegious.
If there is accusation to be made, I could as well accuse myself in the same breath…and do.
“A minister, a rabbi and a priest went to the race track together…etc., etc.
How is this problematical? Certainly neither you nor I nor any of our fellow American Catholics would find it problematical in the least. But that is not the issue. The issue is whether God finds it problematical. And there is reason to think he does.
If Fr. Vincent is right, that jokes about holy (consecrated) persons and things are displeasing to God and are weakening us as a Church, then the subject warrants some thought and investigation, does it not? Even at the expense of being a total pain and, for that matter, of having one’s humorous piece put through a theological and scriptural wringer..
Of course there are many obvious areas of weakness in the Church, but think of this… Many of us think that there is real weakness in the episcopate. Could that possibily be because good men are not considered for the position because they do not speak baseball and do not accomodate themselves to American expectations regarding humor? Among other things, a bishop should be a good fund raiser, and therefore a good after dinner speaker with a great sense of humor and a common touch, a store of jokes… But Fr Simeon, the saintly scripture scholar does not have those qualities and is therefore ineligible…I wonder.
Soomewhere I read in one of the saints (St Bernard?) a quote to this effect, “A joke in the mouth of a layman is a blasphemy in the mouth of a priest.” Of course we want our priests and bishops to take themselves lightly, to have a sense of humor, to be joyous.
But, absolutely, we do not want them straying all unwittingly into an area that is sacrilegious or blasphemous in the eyes of God. Nor do we wish to go there ourselves.
The basic problem, I think, is our cultural formation, a culture that is very far removed from that of the Scriptures. Just to take one example. Recall that scene from “The Passion of Christ” that Gibson inserted for some comic relief and to “humanize” Christ, where he has Our Lord splashing some water on his mother. A friend of mine married to an Iraqi woman said, “Never in a million years would that have happened.”
In other words, we need to pay much more attention to the sensibilities of God than to the signals provided by our own highly conditioned cultural antennae.
Thanks for all you do, Patrick. It is considerable and I appreciate it very much.
Daniel 5
1 King Belshazzar gave a great banquet for a thousand of his nobles and drank wine with them. 2 While Belshazzar was drinking his wine, he gave orders to bring in the gold and silver goblets that Nebuchadnezzar his father [a] had taken from the temple in Jerusalem, so that the king and his nobles, his wives and his concubines might drink from them. 3 So they brought in the gold goblets that had been taken from the temple of God in Jerusalem, and the king and his nobles, his wives and his concubines drank from them. 4 As they drank the wine, they praised the gods of gold and silver, of bronze, iron, wood and stone.
5 Suddenly the fingers of a human hand appeared and wrote on the plaster of the wall, near the lampstand in the royal palace. The king watched the hand as it wrote. 6 His face turned pale and he was so frightened that his knees knocked together and his legs gave way.
December 15, 2008 at 4:46 pm
Wow, didn’t take those guys long to take this way too seriously. I say, ****ing hilarious!!!
December 15, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Many years ago when leaving Ohare Airport I had to stop at a toll booth. The toll booth attendant and I had a little conversation in the course of which I made a small joke.
As we were pulling away my passenger said, “Yes, yes, yes, everyone is a comedian now.”
“With one possible exception,” I thought to myself, but shortly I came to see that it was true. We are soaked in comedy to the point that it is practically tragic. And partially as a consequence we have become a ridiculous people, so lightminded that we think we can re-write the commandments of God, about sex, life, death and much else.
In a much more joyous age St. Thomas Aquinas in his treatment of lies discussed the jocose lie, and showed that it is a sin. For myself, I merely wanted to suggest that jocose sacrilege may be equally problematic.
That someone recently emerged from a bar or locker room or barracks finds this ****ing hilarious pretty much validates the effort. The comic spirit finds a great deal of amusement everywhere. But that is precisely my point. There are limits, very serious limits than cannot be transgressed without serious consequences. But we are so risible that even that discussion is hilarious. Well, nothing can be done apparently, until our laughter is turned into mourning- a scriptural penalty that seems particularly suited to our age.
We are in a complete mess and cannot laugh our way out of it. We could repent our way out of it, however, so mildly proposing areas where we might repent as a Catholic people still seems like a worthwhile project even if it provokes the comedians to hilarity, *especially* if it so provokes them.