So we all know how “Catholic” Womynpriests are being “ordained” all the time. And it always gets more coverage than actual ordinations. But they’re never (thankfully) allowed to hold the ordination ceremony in a Catholic Church so they always have it somewhere else.

Now that would be fine if it were happening in the basement of a Denny’s or at the VFW fire hall but there’s always some religious institution that’s willing to lend some semblance of credence to these wacky womynpriests.

Most recently, according to Diogenes:

Chicago’s ABC News affiliate ran a story on last Saturday’s makeover of a local woman into a Catholic “priest.” The reporters don’t quite get the facts right, but they do convey the idea that the Vatican — i.e., Catholic officialdom in some sense — does not regard the ceremony as a valid ordination or the recently-oiled woman as a real priest. Ludicrously, they portray the affair as quasi-clandestine and the women as part of an “underground” priesthood. In reality, neither ministers nor congregants have anything to fear (beyond the spiritual harms of the schism they went out of their way to effect). In concrete legal terms, a man garbed as Mickey Mouse for a children’s party without official Disney licensing is more at risk than a woman who proclaims herself a Catholic priest.

I remember reading another story in the past year or so about a similar ceremony taking place in a synagogue but this particular ceremony took place at a Lutheran Church.

So essentially what happened last Saturday was an excommunication of a Catholic woman was celebrated at a Lutheran Church. So much for ecumenism, huh? I mean, this Lutheran Church is essentially slapping the Catholic Church upside the head and doing the “I just slapped you upside the head and there’s nothing you can do about it” dance. And that dance, like the Lambada, is now forbidden by CMR.

I know they’re not going to listen so I say we start doing the same. Look, the Church has been dealing with this for years in that patient way they have. But we here at CMR aren’t so patient. You wanna play hardball we’ll bring the bat. We’re about to go Bill Donahue x 2 on you. You get up in our business? We’ll be up in your kitchen when you come home.

CMR is going to use up our entire “emergency bail money” account and dip into our “someday we’re going to buy the Elephant Man’s bones” fund to open up a hall to be solely used for the ordination of people in denominations that we have no authority over whatsoever.

If you’re a drunken Scientologist, fine. A Jew for Jesus? A shoplifting Unitarian? We’re cool with that. I’m not sure what an Episcopalian would have to do to warrant not being allowed to be an actual Episcopalian minister but if there’s anything they still call a sin, I’ve got the room for the ordination. You know what? We’ll ordain Glenn freakin’ Beck in absentia into your denomination just for giggles.

No matter what, we’ll make up the room all nice. Rainbow decorations (if that’s what you’re into). We’ll serve pigs in a blanket with Appletinis afterward. I also happen to know a little known 80’s cover band that’ll play just to fill up their now empty “emergency bail money” account.

See how they like it.