A new study has given a blogger (me) a great idea for a class action lawsuit. I’ll explain later but if you’d like to join the suit please let me know in the combox. It’s gonna’ rain cash, baby!!!
A new study PROVES(!!!!) that Mainline Protestants have bigger brains than Catholics or born again Christians. They studied something like 250 people so it’s like real science. Or something.
I’ve got to wonder if any of the “scientists” involved in the study were Catholic or born again. I’m thinking not but who cares. Like I said, we could make a mad cash grab out of this.
Here’s the details from Weasel Zippers:
For decades, mainline Protestants have been beset by bad news: declining numbers, aging membership, waning cultural influence. A new study from Duke University Medical Center, however, gives these Protestants one reason for cheer: they seem to have larger brains than born-again Christians, Roman Catholics and the religiously unaffiliated.
The study, which examined the hippocampus region of the brain, found that Protestants who did not have a “born again” experience had significantly more gray matter than either those who reported a life-changing religious experience, Catholics, or unaffiliated older adults.
The study, funded by the National Institutes of Health and the Templeton Foundation, included at least twoMRI measurements of the hippocampus region of 268 adults between 1994 and 2005.
It found an association between participants’ professed religious affiliation and the physical structure of their brain. Specifically, those identified as Protestant who did not have a religious conversion or born-again experience — more common among their evangelical brethren — had a bigger hippocampus.
…The hippocampus is an area buried deep in the brain that helps regulate emotion and memory. Atrophy or shrinkage in this region of the brain has long been linked to mental health problems such as depression, dementia and Alzheimer’s disease.
So why would born-again Protestants, Catholics and those with no religious affiliation have a smaller hippocampus?
Researchers speculate it may have something to do with the stress of belonging to a minority group. Chronic stress floods the brain with hormones that, over time, may damage the hippocampus.
So we’re a minority, us Catholics. And our poor hippocampii are paying the price because of all the stress related to being a minority.
They always said religious people were dumb and now they proved it. But they also proved that we’re dumb from the stress of being a minority and being called dumb all the freaking time.
Aren’t we entitled to damages? I’m gonna’ walk my tiny, shriveled, and stressed hippocampus into a lawyer’s office and stake my claim. Mainline Protestants have been stressing me and my poor little hippocampus because I’m practically just a poor helpless minority. And because of them I’m more likely to be depressed and demented. That’s gotta’ be worth a few million, right?
And if they need proof I’m demented they just have to read my blog.
I found the story at Zip’s place so I’m guessing he’d want a finder’s fee of some sort. 5% sounds fair, right? And as I’m a Catholic blogger I think I should probably file on behalf of only Catholics. If an evangelical blogger is up for it, I’m willing to go halfsies on a good lawyer. Anyone know if former Presidential candidate John Edwards is up to anything. I seem to remember he was a lawyer.
Come on Catholics, it’s about time we got some payback on those mainline Protestants for shrinking our hippocampii. Let me know if you’re in.
May 25, 2011 at 5:18 pm
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May 25, 2011 at 5:19 pm
Count me in!
In fact, we might even consider starting a Facebook group about this. Perhaps: "Catholics for Hippocampial retribution"
May 25, 2011 at 5:28 pm
Based on my experience with mainline Protestant contraceptors, I could give you a lecture on what's really shriveled.
Give me a puny, wilted, stunted, hippocampus rather than THAT.
May 25, 2011 at 5:42 pm
Should there be an affirmative action program so that we can catch up and level the playing field. How about our Bibles using only monosyllabic words?
Perhaps, there should be a spreading of the gray matter wealth by taxation? Do I get a refund from my Sunday offerings so I can buy mind altering drugs and hopefully grow a bigger brain?
But count me in the class action lawsuit. The few cells in my skull are working overtime and deserve a break.
May 25, 2011 at 5:45 pm
…wow… what? Who funds this stuff?…
May 25, 2011 at 5:56 pm
I dunno – I have a hippopotamus, and it looks normal sized to me.
May 25, 2011 at 6:32 pm
If this is successful perhaps we should then go on to sue our educational system on similar grounds?
May 25, 2011 at 6:54 pm
I'm in! Like Larry, I too have a hippopotamus and it's as big as a house – heck, maybe two houses.
May 25, 2011 at 6:58 pm
Unfortunately John Edwards is a little busy — best look elsewhere for an attorney…
Edwards Could Face Indictment in Days (see:
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2011/05/25/report-presidential-candidate-john-edwards-faces-indictment-campaign-violations/)
May 25, 2011 at 7:26 pm
Nothing to see here, folks. Only 22 Catholics included in this poorly done study. Because of this and other weaknesses of the study (questionable use of linear regression analysis, failure to report relevant data in their tables, inability to generalize from a non-representative sample, etc.), it demonstrates a whole lot of…Nothing!
Ann
May 25, 2011 at 7:48 pm
I was an atheist until one day while on safari in Africa…
I emerged from the bush to the stunning sight of an an entire herd of large gray beasts sitting at desks! I became a Catholic on the spot.
Later, my guide explained that we'd stumbled onto the hippo campus.
May 25, 2011 at 8:00 pm
Of course their brains are bigger–they need extra room to hold all that cognitive dissonance!
May 25, 2011 at 8:02 pm
I guess ill be the first to say… All I want for Christmas is…
May 25, 2011 at 8:14 pm
I'd rather be dumb and right any way.
May 25, 2011 at 8:18 pm
As a member of a newly identified minority, I demand government intervention. My rights must have been violated and all this talk about my small brain must be hate speech.
A czar should be appointed to monitor this situation immediately.
…count me in for the cash too!
May 25, 2011 at 8:31 pm
I am forty eight years old but have only been Catholic for two years, can I still claim damages?
May 25, 2011 at 9:27 pm
Hey….how come everyone else has a hippopotamus?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjwiwcUKK1c
May 25, 2011 at 10:22 pm
Did anyone read this rather strong Open Message to Pope Benedict? Wondering if there is any truth to what is being said
http://www.merkaba.org/audio/benedict.html/
May 25, 2011 at 10:31 pm
I'm figuring that anyone who at the same time published "An Open Letter to Angelina Jolie" can be ignored.
May 26, 2011 at 2:53 am
I'm a convert to Catholicism from Episcopalianism. I guess this means I've got a big brain AND the True Faith!! So if my Catholicism causes my brain to shrink, can I get some money? Should I go ahead and sign on to the suit now just in case my brain shrinks between now and the time the suit makes it to court? I could really use the cheese, bro. Just askin' – ya know?