Vegetarians around the planet were horrified to learn today that the popular Thanksgiving dish for vegetarians called Tofurkey doesn’t actually derive from the vegetarian bean curd known as Tofu but from a very small and extraordinarily cute endangered species called the Tofurkey.
This is the first photo of a Tofurkey taken at a farm in Rhode Island just moments before it was skinned, torn limb from limb, had its eyes removed while still alive, and was finally dipped in boiling oil.
A tofurkey farm is not a typical farm. The tofurkey is extraordinarily cute and very inexpensive to keep because they’re fed exclusively by hugs and smiles. “That’s all they need,” said one tofurkey farmer. “And they’ve got these huge expressive eyes that melt your heart.” It’s those expressive eyes that make “slaughter season” very hard for tofurkey owners.
Most tofurkeys spend their days playing with balloons, blowing bubbles, and singing in high pitched angelic voices. “They don’t speak English or nothing but sometimes just listenin’ to ’em makes me think about puppies and angels,” said one tofurkey owner.
The misunderstanding for vegetarians originated because of the similarities between the names Tofurkey and Tofu. One Tofurkey farmer said he never lied about where Tofurkey came from but he’s glad to profit from the misunderstanding. “I think those wacky vegetarians just wanted to believe they were eating Tofu and I wasn’t about to tell ’em no different.”
He said that back when his “product” began doing brisk business he wondered why. “I know those little cute tofurkeys don’t really taste so good so I wondered why so many people was eating ’em. But hey, who am I to complain?”
Vegans and vegetarians have been shocked and horrified at the discovery of this Tofurkey farm. “Every time I ate Tofurkey on Thanksgiving I felt so principled and better than everyone else,” said one vegetarian. “I’m going to miss that feeling.”
(Originally posted on a previous Thanksgiving but I think I’m funny so I put it back up.)