A bill making its way through the California leislature with the support of the National Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce will have the state asking state contractors if they’re gay.


The followup question from any contractor will, of course, be, “Will I get more contracts if I am? And if so, what do I have to do to prove I’m gay?”

This is lunacy. I mean, what if you just had like a funny dream after watching “Fight Club” or something? Does that count?

Look, inevitably these numbers are going to be used to ensure that a certain number of contractors are going to have to be LGBTQIALMNOP so yeah, there’s going to be a gay quota. Guaranteed. So inevitably, you’re going to have some straight dude lie and say yeah, he goes that way in order to pull down some mad coin. And then, you’re going to have some kind of media investigation into the gayness level of the dude who’s gonna’ turn out to have four kids, a wife (a female one), and a dog (also female?). And then there will be hell to pay and the contractor dude will have to start wearing a tiara or something in case the media is around. And then, what comes next is the best part – we’re gonna’ have gay hearings. And they’ll be asking the dude questions like, “What’s the third line of the Barbra Stresiand song “Memories?” Or what’s Rufus Wainwright’s middle name?” Or when did Judy Garland record “Over the Rainbow?”

Hey, it’s happening. You heard it here first.