Matt Korger writes at Badger Catholic and he’ll be guest blogging once a week throughout August. This is a really great kickoff post:
My wife’s recent eight month pregnant trip to Walgreens to pick up some M&M’s which we use to bribe our potty training son(bribery is not only justified, it is necessary in potty training protocol) was a textbook example of how not to handle dealing with a pregnant woman.
My wife(let’s call her Hollie) gets up to the counter with the bag of candy.
The female clerk asks inquisitively; “How long do you have to go yet?”
Hollie smiles, “Another month.”
Clerk shouts halfway across the store to another worker, “She’s still got another month!”
Clerk turns back to Hollie, “We figured you were ready to pop! We were watching you in the mirrors after you walked in. You sure were staring at stuff for a long time. You must have pregnancy brain!”
Now clerk sees M&Ms in Hollie’s hand.
“Soooooooomebody’s got the munchies!”
“Well actually they are for our potty training son”
In disbelief the clerk scoffs, “Yeaaah, potty training.”
My wife walks out wondering if she’s committed some pregnancy crime.
Let’s break this down in slow motion replay to see how this clerk managed to destroy a perfectly good conversation, but escape without injury.
1. It is permitted to ask how far along someone is – that is, if a) said woman is obviously showing, or b) you have been informed by a reliable source – and after their response, the correct response is three simple words; “You look great.” Don’t get too cute here. Have a plan. You. Look. Great.
2. A woman never looks farther along than she actually is. Eight months is eight months. Period. No exceptions.
3. Under no circumstances do you tell a woman you don’t know that she has “pregnancy brain,” regardless if it is true or not. At this point it was Christian charity that held Hollie’s clench fist back. Don’t bet on that always being the case.
4. Joking about munchies is okay if and only if said child bearer initiates munchie joking.
5. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Seriously, you’re not “starring” in a day time talk show right before your lover Cletus reveals he’s leaving you for a six headed alien and on his way to Barney Frank’s gay wedding.
As any husband and father can concur, this clerk was lucky to escape with her life, let alone a full set of teeth. Be smart folks. These tips could save your life.
Matt Korger writes at Badger Catholic.