Do you know Father Wingit? I bet you do.

Father Wingit is that priest who has not actually prepared a homily since seminary.

Every Sunday, Father Wingit wanders the length of the sanctuary, back and forth and delivers a 30 minute homily with no point, vague platitudes, and a lot of hand movement.

I have seen Father Wingit get so confused 20 minutes into a homilectomy that he just stopped, stood for 30 seconds, and then started the creed. You have never seen so many relieved faces.

Two Christmases ago Father Wingit was well into a Christmas homily when he inadvertently (I think) told the child-packed Church that there is no Santa Claus. Luckily my children had zoned out.

Father Wingit loves to ask us to clap for everyone even remotely involved in the liturgy. This past Sunday we had six, count ’em, six separate applause calls. Well, we all get into liturgy for the fame and recognition after all. My children know that if they clap, I will go all Sharia and start chopping off hands.

When Father Wingit simply cannot wing it and is completely stuck, he calls all the children up to the sanctuary. He tells them to listen to their parents and throws holy water at them.

Father Wingit is likely to break out in a random hymn during any part of the mass but particularly during the consecration. The transubstantiation of bread and wine into the body and blood of Jesus just doesn’t have the wow factor don’tcha know? Needs a little pizzaz. He is fond of Christmas hymns, even in July.

Dear Father Wingit, do us all a favor and don’t wing it. If you can’t be bothered to spend 30 minutes preparing a 7 minute homily, why should we bother to listen to you?

Dear Father Wingit, if you cannot be interesting in 5 minutes, another 25 minutes is not gonna help. Trust me.

Dear Father Wingit, if you do not think the Mass is interesting enough to leave alone, you are doing it wrong.

Dear Father Wingit, Cardinal Ratzinger, now the Pope, said this about applause. “Wherever applause breaks out in the liturgy because of some human achievement, it is a sure sign that the essence of liturgy has totally disappeared and been replaced by a kind of religious entertainment. ” Read it. Learn it. Live it.

Dear Father Wingit, the Mass is not your playground. When we notice you, guess who we are not noticing? C’mon, guess. He has a beard….

*subhead*Just stop it.*subhead*