If there’s one thing government lawyers love more than billable hours and the cold, unfeeling embrace of a charcoal suit, it’s the prospect of drop-kicking a nun through the uprights of the federal justice system. According to a Republican Senate investigation led by Chuck Grassley, two DOJ heavyweights spent their 2021 acting giggly over the prospect of locking up Catholic nuns.

Meet Molly Gaston and Joseph Cooney. Before they were top-tier sidekicks for Special Counsel Jack Smith, they were busy texting each other like giggly teenagers.

The spark for this legal erotica? A New York Times photo of nuns at a “Stop the Steal” rally. But these weren’t just any nuns—they were wearing traditional habits, veils, and Trump scarves, a fashion trifecta that apparently causes DOJ processors to overheat and forget everything they’d learned about the Constitution.

The texts, unearthed by Grassley’s probe into Smith’s “Arctic Frost” investigation, read like a rejected script for a Law & Order spinoff where the detectives are the villains:

Gaston: “I would like to take a special assignment of finding and prosecuting them.”

Cooney: “I’m with you. Though I’d like to prosecute any nun who still wears the head habit.”

Gaston: “Hahaha.”

Gaston was ready to go on a “special assignment” to hunt down the Sisters of Perpetual MAGA, but Cooney is the real visionary here. He didn’t want to stop at the rally-goers; he wanted to declare a War on Fabric. In Cooney’s world, wearing a traditional head habit is a crime punishable by a three-year stint in a room with no corners. If your headwear implies you’ve taken a vow of poverty and service, Cooney wants you in a jumpsuit that matches your outlook on life: orange and restrictive.

Funny, I don’t remember her criticizing Muslim headscarves but maybe it’s just slipping my mind.

So where are they now? Because this is 21st century America, these two aren’t currently being chased by an angry mob of citizens, heaping shame upon them.

Instead, one is running a law firm in D.C., the natural habitat for people who treat the Constitution like a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book.

Cooney, meanwhile, is currently running in the Democratic primary for Virginia’s 7th congressional district, presumably on a platform of “More Taxes, Fewer Veils.”

It turns out that in the high-stakes world of federal prosecution, the only thing more dangerous than an insurrection is a woman of faith who doesn’t vote the way you do. Watch your back, Sister Mary Clarence, the DOJ is coming for your laundry.