Folk guitarists and modern dancers staged lively protests outside Roman Catholic Churches across the country yesterday to rail against Pope Benedict’s Summorum Ponitifucm which returned the Tridentine Mass to the people.
Middle aged hipsters with long hair and Moms in leotards cavorted on the front steps of churches in protest of Pope Benedict’s Motu Proprio. One mime even pretended he was locked out of the church before pretending that Pope Benedict 16th put him in an invisible box. The mime then also cried invisible tears.
These artists and hundreds of others decried the return of the Tridentine Mass as it could stop them from being able to express themselves. “First they came for us and then they’ll come for you,” said one artist. “Next thing you know the priest won’t even be able to face the people anymore and he’ll like just be looking up at nothing. It was better when everyone was looking at me.”
Said one silver haired man who was a self described tambourinist and poet: “For decades we’ve been teaching everyone that it’s not about praising God. He doesn’t need it. He’s God. It was about celebrating our community. Now, because of one dude in Rome, gone are the days of swaying to the melody of electric guitars and snapping to a joyful beat during worship.”
One folk artist who makes his living as a Ricky Martin impersonator sang these scathing lyrics to the tune of Ricky Martin’s sole hit La Vida Loca: “We were inside, now outside/ Livin’ Lingua Latina. Benedict will push and pull us down/ Livin Lingua Latina.
Other complained they will no longer be able to sing lyrics like these at all masses:
When He rolls up His sleeves
He ain’t just putting on the Ritz
There’s thunder in His footsteps
And lightning in His fists
The Lord wasn’t joking
When He kicked ’em out of Eden
It wasn’t for no reason
That He shed His blood
His return is very close
And so you better be believing that
Our God is an awesome God
Said one sad folk singer who reminisced about costumed dances, drum solos, and lively youth masses, “Where does the kumbaya go now, man? Where does it go?”