In the great tradition of making movies that offend half the country, Hollywood is now considering making a movie about Sarah Palin.
You just know this will be a fair and even handed, even loving portrait of the woman. A real Frank Capra-esque story, right? Or not.
According to Hollyscoop, a couple of top Hollywood writers are penning scripts for a possible movie about Sarah Palin.
And these aren’t just any old writers. They’re Dustin Lance Black who wrote Oscar-nominated Milk, and The Visitor scribe Todd McCarty. But the two have very different visions for the movie. Black wants to focus on the humorous aspect of Sarah Palin, while McCarty wants the movie to center around Bristol Palin and her boyfriend, and their surprise pregnancy.
Black tells Variety, “I’m always down for politics as humor. I’m also interested in great characters.”
McCarty says, “This young man gets his girlfriend pregnant and ends up on the Republican platform at the National Convention. There’s a dark comedy there somewhere. He was like a deer in the headlights.”
O.K. Let’s get the whole double standard thing out of the way. Let’s remember that Obama’s children are off limits but Hollywood can make satirical movies about Sarah Palin’s children.
But we know that already. So if Hollywood’s intent on going ahead with it, let’s start with casting.
Who do you think they’ll have play Sarah? Not who you think they should cast. But who do you think they will cast to play Sarah and some other supporting roles.
Sarah Palin
Actress Qualifications: Pretty. Liberal. Can play dumb (Not Denise Richards dumb but close.) Must hate Sarah.
A) Ashley Judd – She’s kinda purty. Very liberal. Hates Sarah. She plays dumb very well no matter what role she’s in. And at this point in her career she’ll work for minimum wage. She seems to fill all their qualifications.
B) Susan Sarandon – May require soft focus but she hates Sarah.
C) The chubby Dixie chick Natalie Maines – It could be a musical -if you like banjos.
D) Halle Berry – I smell Oscar!
E) Tina Fey -Too Obvious.
Todd Palin:
Actor Qualifications: Manly, dumb as a box of rocks, must be able to play angry because he secretly hates his wife, Sarah.
A) Josh Brolin – Kinda’ manly. Hates George W. Bush so you can figure he hates Sarah.
B) Christian Bale – He can bring the #@&*%*& anger, you @#$^%!!!
C) Charlie Sheen – Say what you will about Charlie, the man brings the dumb.
Supporting roles:
Sarah’s Preacher:
Actor Qualifications: This guy’s gotta’ be crazier than a sack of weasels. Hates Sarah.
A) Bill Maher – ‘Nuff said.
B) Alec Baldwin – Hates hates hates hates hates Sarah.
John McCain:
Qualifications: Old.
A) Fred Thompson
Sarah’s brother in law,
Qualifications: Peace loving peace officer who just wants peace with the vicious Sarah and her out of control husband.
A)Ben Kingsley (because he played Gandhi)
And here are some working Titles for the Sarah Palin movie:
You Betcha’
With a Wink and a Smile
How to Ruin a Campaign in Ten Weeks
Troopergate! (If Oliver Stone directs)
We’d love to hear your casting suggestions. Chime in.
February 10, 2009 at 4:14 am
Christian Bale as Todd – brilliantly funny! Can’t top that.
Angelina Jolie as Sarah – cos Sarah rhymes with Lara, as in Tomb Raider, and that’s enough for me.
Working Title: Pit Bulls and Lipstick
February 10, 2009 at 10:20 am
Hey, Palin is always trotting the kids out on the national stage, and didnt she just regale us with the origins of their names in ESQUIRE?
Sarah, why dont YOU JUST leave the kids OUT OF THIS??? HUH??
You COULD talk about POLITICS, instead of the kids and mooseburger. That folksy charm appeal is a double edged blade. Martha Stewart was reviled for it…and that wasn´t half as GAG ME.
Tonya Harding didnt get much play out of the VICTIM role, so you really have to be careful.
I wish Buck Henry were writring this script, and Gus Van Sant to direct so we could see a resurrection of the great satire TO DIE FOR. The first dud, TAWD, could probably instill new life into the character of WALTAR, the lap dog.
February 10, 2009 at 11:44 am
Hmmm…I’ll take a stab. If the movie is anti-Sarah, I will say:
Sarah Palin – played by Maggie Smith. The audience will forget all about the English accent when they watch the scene where Sarah fires of a few rounds of her high-powered rifle from the helicopter at a herd of migrating caribou but then misses and ends up hitting some eskimo children playing on a sleigh. Her signature line, “I’ll be back…in 2012!”
Todd Palin – played by Ben Afleck. Playing a no-talent second-banana to a much more notable figure will not be a stretch for him.
Levi Johnston – Nick Lachey (hey, he comes cheap these days)
Jesus Christ – Dustin Hoffman (have to have at least one well-known Jewish actor or the film won’t get distribution).
Now, if the film is pro-Sarah, my guess is:
Sarah – Jessica Simpson (fresh from a 3-month stint at Jenny Craig). Audiences will cheer and chortle their 6-packs through their nose as Sarah sings “these rigs are made for Drilling” in baby-seal daisy-dukes.
Todd Palin – Johnny Knoxville. The climax of the movie is when Sarah scolds her husband for continuously using his power-slingshot to launch rotten eggs at Russia from their border as a matter of bad diplomacy.
Joe the Plumber – Toby Keith (currently available, since there has been no act of terrorism to cash in on for 7 years and counting).
Uncle Sam – Charleton Heston. “Brought back to life” through the magic of editing old movie clips. There won’t be a dry-eye in the trailer-park when “Uncle Sam” profoundly shouts, “Damn you! Damn you to hell! You finally did it!” at Obama’s innauguration ceremony.
February 10, 2009 at 12:35 pm
I just have a hard time suggesting, even in jest, actors to play in such a movie. I'm tired of Hollyweird making movies about people who are still living. You know if they really do make such a movie about Sarah Palin, it'll thoroughly trash her & probably completely end her possible 2012 run… Which would entirely be the point of making it in the first place.
February 10, 2009 at 1:25 pm
I suggest a title for this epic:
“Pit Bulls in Lipstick”
February 10, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Why not George Clooney as Todd? Wait. He’s a little metrosexual for Todd, isn’t he? Never mind.
February 10, 2009 at 3:16 pm
We’ve got to fit in the despises-American-war-dead Will Ferret, um, Ferrell somehow.
— Mack
February 10, 2009 at 3:31 pm
OH GOOD LORD! i just read that BOTH writers vying for this PALIN film, absolutely see this as a COMEDY ONLY. That lady can kiss a political career goodbye if they make a COMEDY about her life NOW.
She is comedy gold, very true, but she keeps trying to get a TAKE ME SERIUOSLY cred, which is impossible because she´s a HOOT!
So much for FEAR, why to Palin worshippers think people who find her hilarious are afraid of her, anyway? I never got that?
February 10, 2009 at 3:40 pm
DEO, a grammar check on your computer might help. Or perhaps a GED.
February 10, 2009 at 3:53 pm
I know you asked who they would cast but i wouldn’t mind seeing Janine Turner from Northern Exposure play Sarah.
But for those who hate her I’d say Maggie Gylenhall who said 9/11 was America’s fault.
February 10, 2009 at 4:40 pm
For the anal retentive (aka ANTHONY)…
I APOLOGIZE IF I TRANSPOSED SOME LETTERS IN PREVIOUS POSTS. I usually write them when I´m drunk.
Sarah Palin-Tonya Harding 2012!!!
February 10, 2009 at 4:59 pm
DEO,
You do realize that in overdoing the all-caps thing you APPEAR TO BE SHOUTING.
Don’t you?
February 10, 2009 at 5:40 pm
I WAS shouting, uh, ANONYMOUS, If that IS your real name……
Sarah Palin-Tonya Harding 2012!
February 10, 2009 at 6:07 pm
How can you do the Sarah Palin story without someone playing Obama the Great? Perhaps we can convince Jesus to do the 2nd coming so he can play Obama!! I mean what actor would be great enough to play such an astute figure?
This movie will fail just like all the Hollywood conservative hit pieces do.