The Catholic Church is currently attempting to break a record for a certain amount of a certain substance hitting the fan in the space of one week. And just when you think that it’s done, they redouble their efforts.

First, there was Archbishop Vigano delivering an 11 page roundhouse that included explosive allegations that Pope Francis knew about and ignored accusations of sexual abuse against the now-disgraced Archbishop McCarrick.

There hasn’t been such a devastating punch since Chuck Norris killed Bruce Lee. And that’s only made up. This was real.

Then came the response. With the fast twitch impulses of an MMA fighter mixed with toxic unlikability, the pope’s defenders struck back, accusing the archbishop of all sorts of things including covering up abuse himself. This was a weak effort. Their defense reminds me of when my little ones play a video game and just press all the buttons on the controller wildly, hoping that they’ll stumble on to some combination that wins the game. The thing is, sometimes it does. But most times it just makes things worse.

You know how a child learns not to touch the hot pan because they touch it once, burn themselves. That’s not how the Vatican seems to learn as it’s now covered in third degree burns and they’re still putting out press releases that they’ve figured out a new way to touch the pan.

But then, showing the ability to learn slower than concussed dyslexic primates, the Vatican responded by issuing the worst no comment since Cain. With the world looking for clarity on this terrible issue, Pope Francis issued a sickeningly depressing “no comment” and then urged the media to dig around and see what they could come up with. “When a little time has passed and you have the conclusions perhaps I will talk..” he said.


That’s a politicians answer. That’s not an appropriate response from the Holy Father. It’s not even a good politician’s response. It’s the response from the guy whose lawyer just whispered in his ear.

Somehow in the last 2,000 years we went from Jesus saying, “Let your ‘Yes’ mean ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No’ mean ‘No.’ Anything more is from the evil one…” or “And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” to “When a little time has passed and you have the conclusions perhaps I will talk..”

I seriously thought that there could never be a worse response to these allegations. And then Cardinal Cupich opened his mouth. “The Pope has a bigger agenda,” he said. “He’s got to get on with other things, of talking about the environment and protecting migrants and carrying on the work of the church. We’re not going to go down a rabbit hole on this.”

So…protecting the environment is more important than protecting young people and seminarians from Uncle Ted.

And then Abp. Cupich said that the only reason people are against Pope Francis is because he’s a Latino. Which is just priceless because…HE’S NOT! As if that mattered anyway.

And now Archbishop Vigano has gone into hiding, fearing for his life. What?! A prince of the Church is fearing for his life because he dropped the dime on the pope. You know, the Church does kind of have the motto about “thou shall not kill.” But let’s be fair, if Abp. Vigano thinks these people covered up sex crimes, I guess it’s not that weird to think they might resort to something else. Cue the albino monk assassin.

I think the most shocking thing about all this is that Edward Pentin, the journalist who broke the original story, is not living under an assumed name in Switzerland yet with round the clock armed guards protecting him.

At some point, an incredibly sad truth hit me. These people are supposed to be acting as our shepherds. But in many cases the shepherds are part time wolves. And in their spare time, they’re politicians. I’m almost not sure which is worse.