Hold onto your Catechisms, everybody. According to the tactical geniuses at Catholics for Choice, the 5th century was less about dying of a hangnail at age 14 and more about Saint Brigid of Kildare running a high-speed, supernatural outpatient abortion clinic. The pro-abortion organization is manically passing out flyers on Catholic campuses like they just discovered a cheat code for the Ten Commandments.

The pitch? Saint Brigid performed a miracle abortion. Forget turning water into wine. She was apparently turning pregnancies into “never happened.”

So here’s the tale they can’t wait to let you know:

The “Evidence” is a Drunk Game of Telephone

The source for this life-altering revelation is a document called the Vita Prima. It was written by “Some Guy” roughly 225 years after Brigid stopped breathing. That’s like me writing a definitive biography of George Washington based on a dream I had after eating bad tacos. It’s not history. It’s anonymous fan fiction written by someone because video games hadn’t been invented yet.

But wait! There’s an earlier source by a monk named Cogitosus. He wrote his version only 150 years late. You might think, “Hey, maybe Cogitosus was the Sherlock Holmes of the Dark Ages!” Maybe he was the greatest researcher the world’s ever seen and uncovered truths that no other human could discern.

Spoiler alert: He was not.

Cogitosus was so bad at his job he managed to miss:

Brigid’s birthday.

Brigid’s death day.

Where Brigid was born.

The names of her contemporaries.

He basically wrote a biography of a woman where the only thing he knew for sure was that she existed, and even then, he was probably just guessing based on some stuff he heard while brewing beer.

The Cloister Conundrum

Here’s a fun logic puzzle for the “Trust the Science” crowd – Brigid and the nun in question were cloistered. That means they lived in a room with the social reach of a hermit in a well. If this “miracle” happened, who told Cogitosus? Did the Holy Spirit fax him a transcript 150 years later? Or is it possible that a guy who didn’t know when Brigid’s birthday was also didn’t understand how walls work?

Look, if we’re going to treat Cogitosus like the purveyor of all Truth, why stop at the abortion story? This is the same guy who claims Brigid plucked her own eyeballs out to avoid a marriage proposal, only to have them grow back like a lizard’s tail. Could God have performed such a miracle? Of course but I’m pointing out that the “it musta’ happened because some old author wrote it” crowd may not embrace everything written by our wonder boy author.

Funny how the “Pro-Choice Saint” crowd isn’t handing out flyers about High-Velocity Self-Mutilation. If you’re going to use 6th-century tall tales to dictate modern medical ethics, you better be ready to start popping your eyes out every time a Tinder date goes south.

Also, if you’re like sooooooo super obsessed with ancient texts on this issue of life in the womb maybe try Luke, the gospel writer, who wrote: “When Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the infant leaped in her womb…”

Say it after me: Luke’s credibility > “Some Guy.”

We can all agree on that, right?

Or, if you want to go Ultra ultra Old School you could look at the Ten Commandments. I don’t know all of them offhand but I seem to remember one of them saying something like, “Thou Shalt Not Murder.” That one wasn’t written 200 years too late by a guy with a quill and a dream, it was etched into stone by God Himself.

I know, I know, Cogitosus is obviously the peak of human reliability. But you have to admit, the Creator of the Universe is at least a solid runner-up, right?