Fresh on the heels of its embarrassingly outdated pronouncement by the Vatican newspaper that it has finally forgiven John Lennon for declaring the Beatles were more famous than Jesus Christ, the Vatican also has a list of inane incidents that it considered for forgiveness but has not yet actually forgiven:
I. The director and writers of Highlander II, the worst sequel…evah.
II. The cast of Caroline in the City for boring America for like…four years.
III. Martin Scorsese but not for the heretical “The Last Temptation of Christ” but for “Gangs of New York.” Come on, a movie where the final battle is between Daniel Day Lewis and Leonardo Dicaprio. What are the two arguing about, which one’s arms could more easily be snapped like a twig by a third grader?
IV. The geniuses behind New Coke.
V. Ozzy Osbourne for biting the head off the bat. (Come on Vatican, I think this guy’s suffered enough.)
VI. Anybody who had anything to do with the creation of Jar Jar Binks but especially George Lucas who also was implicated in the “Howard the Duck” fiasco.
VII. Dan Fogelberg for feminizing a generation of young men in the 1970’s.
VIII.Ben Affleck and Matt Damon for that so-called Christian movie where they played angels. Some might argue that the two are just too stupid to know they were being offensive but they should probably be kept on the list for a while.)
IX. Ron Howard for the DaVinci Code. (Tom Hanks is actually forgiven because he’s just so darn likable.)
X. Robert Deniro and Sean Penn for that movie where they pretend to be priests in the 1920’s. I mean, seriously, they made Ishtar look good. Why couldn’t they have been Episcopalians or something?