There have been numerous nightmare scenarios written should either one of the candidate’s in this year’s presidential election actually win. Some have even spoken of riots should Obama lose. But nobody has taken into account the specter of the of the…Weeny Whiny Liberal Riot!
This is CMR’s view of what might just happen if McCain wins:
Shortly after Fox News, ABC, and CBS all declare John McCain the President-elect, the sound of martini glasses and champagne bottles being dropped all over the East coast signals the beginnings of a long and dangerous night.
The riots come from unsuspected areas, not from urban areas at all but urbane settings like Manhattan, Lose Angeles, and Ann Arbor Michigan.
Dozens of rioters in loafers and tweed coats stumble off their college campuses in Ann Arbor, Michigan and begin heaving granola bars at passing SUV’s. This “mob” will angrily attempt to turn over a parked SUV but their little flabby arms will hardly hardly budge the behemoth automobile so they turn over a Segway locked to a tree nearby until one of the rioters says, “Hey that’s mine” and threatens a lawsuit causing the rioters to scatter.
News anchors on television moan that the election was stolen from them which is actually something they do every four years so no surprise there. NBC is unable to call the race because Keith Olbermann locked himself in a room with all the cameras.
And in the heart of Manhattan a group of conservative columnists including David Frum, Peggy Noonan, Kathleen Parker and Christopher Buckley step out blinking into the street. They are unsettled and after arguing amongst themselves they decide that instead of tossing Molotov cocktails they’ll heave Shrimp cocktails at middle class houses yelling “Bourgeois sc%m!” only to be disappointed to discover that Shrimp cocktails aren’t flammable. Instead, Peggy Noonan heaves her Apple-tini at a McCain road sign with little effect.
Cadres of celebrities in California drag Tiny Fey from her NBC studio and burn her at the stake because they’re afraid of the real Sarah Palin.
The celebrities soon decide to pull drivers out of any passing pick-up-truck to beat them but their hybrids are sadly unable catch up to any trucks before their car runs out of its electric charge and they’re forced to pull over and call Ed Begley Jr. for a charge.
National Guard troops are called out to protect Starbucks which have been especially hard hit by thirsty looters.
A number of rioters showed up to egg Joe the Plumber’s house but when he comes to his door and stares them down, they back off and apologize, picking up their eggs as they leave.
In a televised plea for calm, Bill and Hillary Clinton’s beg liberals to calm down but unfortunately the two can’t stop giggling long enough to get their message out.