Last night, all of a sudden everything became Christmasy around my house. I was going through the house taking down Halloween decorations. (I know it’s late. I know! Don’t you dare judge me.) But as I took them down my wife and children were right behind me with the Christmas decorations. They threw on the Alabama Christmas CD (which really is great) and we were all in a great Christmasy mood. When we were about halfway through decorating the kids went AWOL and threw in the old Rankin/Bass Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer while my wife and I continued placing sheep in the manger.

But as I watched it I grew horrified that barring Donner who is the worst father ever, Santa was the biggest jerk in the North Pole. Wait. Forget the North Pole. I’m going to say it. In that cartoon, Santa was the biggest jerk ever. What were these animators thinking? Now the kids don’t seem to mind or notice but what the heck?

My wife tells me I look into these things too much but here’s my case. I’m sure you’ll agree.

Santa’s jerkiness starts with the elves begging Santa to listen to a song they wrote for him and Santa’s like all bored and like ‘whatever’ to these poor little elves who work night and day for cookies and all they want is for him just to listen to a little one minute song they wrote in praise of him. But then His Jerkiness harrumphs at the end of the song something like “needs work” and stomps off while Ms. Claus tries to pick up the pieces and applauds and praises the heartbroken elves.

OK, you think maybe Santa was having a bad day. No. It gets worse. When Rudolph starts flying around all great, Santa hails Donner for his boy’s success but then when it turns out Rudy’s got a shiny beak, Santa turns on him and tells his good buddy Donner, “You ought to be ashamed of yourself.” What?

No Santa, you should be ashamed of yourself. What’s with this guy? His weight is fluctuating wildly. He’s refusing to eat. He’s threatening to cancel Christmas throughout the entire freaking video. He’s banishing any toy with any defect whatsoever into the island of misfit toys. This guy is supposed to be a saint? He’s a monster!

I mean, he tossed a ‘Charlie in the box’ onto the island of misfit toys because it had a wrong name. I mean come on. How much red tape could there be in the North Pole it to change the toy’s name? Santa just doesn’t care.

And whoever heard of a Santa afraid of driving in the snow? Well here’s an idea, if snow’s gonna’ be a problem old man, move out of the North Pole!

Sorry for the rant. But Santa put me in a mood. I’ll still be up for Christmas. I got the Amy Grant Christmas CD on right now. I’m going to finish putting the animals around the manger now. I’m feeling it again. And I’ve hidden Rudolph in a drawer.

And one more thing, doesn’t it seem like Herbie the Elf might just be dealing with one or two more issues than wanting to be a dentist? I’m just saying.