The priest loomed over me once again like a bouncer. His thumb loaded. Then came the smudge.

It’s supposed to be a cross. A simple, dignified reminder that you are dust and to dust you shall return. Instead, he drags his thumb across my skin like he’s trying to erase a bad tattoo with a wet eraser. The result is less “sacred symbol” and more “modern art.”

You walk out of the church looking like you lost a bar fight with a charcoal grill. People stare. Children point. One guy in the parking lot whispers to his wife, “Is that guy cosplaying as a depressed raccoon?” You nod solemnly back at them, because complaining about the priest doesn’t seem the best way to get to Heaven.

And every year it’s the same. Some priests are artists putting on neat little crosses, perfectly proportioned, almost elegant. Others treat your forehead like an Etch A Sketch. One time mine looked exactly like the Batman logo if Batman had been hit by a bus. Another year it was basically a smudged barcode.

And here’s the thing. I’m starting to suspect some of these wonderful priests and/or deacons are messing with us on purpose. Like, there’s a secret seminary class called Advanced Forehead Shenanigans where they teach the priests how to turn a two-second ash application into performance art designed to maximize civilian confusion. Father Seriousface up there? He’s not incompetent. He’s committed. He’s thinking, “I wonder if I can go from his forehead down to his nose” or perhaps “Let’s see if I can make it look like a lightning bolt.”

But you can’t complain. You lose grace points. And you’re not allowed to wipe it off or else…you go straight to Hell, I’m pretty sure. So you spend the day with this abstract expressionist masterpiece on your face, fielding odd questions.

And you just have to smile and say, “Yep, it’s Ash Wednesday,” while internally screaming, “I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE I FACE-PLANTED INTO A KILN, KAREN, THANKS FOR NOTICING.”

I’m wondering if the Vatican has a complaints department for bad ash application.

Here’s the thing. Mark Wahlberg and Jonathan Rhoumie went on The View to speak about The Hallow App. Look at their ashes.

That’s perfection. Mine looks like the thumbprint of a drunken truck driver.

Anyway, Happy Lent, everybody. May your ashes be legible, your priests steady-handed, and your soul at least slightly less smudged than your face.