I am officially heading to court today to file a restraining order on George Lucas.
I am begging the court for a court order intended to protect me and millions of others from further harm from someone who has hurt us. And let it be known that Lucas has hurt me and millions of others in ways that therapists couldn’t mine out of us with years of in-home counseling.
In order to prevent Lucas from further harassing and abusing the childhood memories of Star Wars fans I beg the court to make this enforceable by law. Please keep this serial abuser from the scene of the violence (namely the Star Wars franchise.) He has offended me and abused me like a white collar criminal in general population. He has soiled my childhood memories by forcing into the public imagination the likes of the Ewoks and the insufferable and likely deranged Jar Jar Binks.
He has made unwatchable movies which are played on endless loops on cable television. He has new Clone Wars cartoons which should only be played on Smell-O-Vision so we would know it by its stink. He has been quoted in newspapers and magazines speaking about deeper meanings and geopolitical references in his movies.
Lucas’ evil has found it way into my home and place of work. And I’m finally standing up and asking…nay…demanding that it stop.
This is a civil order and it does not give the abuser a criminal record so I hope Lucas would submit before the law would have to become proactively involved.
I have amassed seven boxes of evidence against Lucas. But this is just the latest:
NY Times columnist Maureen Dowd reports:
Lucas, the creator of “Star Wars,” had told me that I had gotten Dick Cheney completely wrong, that Cheney was no Darth Vader. I felt awful. Had I been too hard on Vice?
Lucas explained politely as I listened contritely. Anakin Skywalker is a promising young man who is turned to the dark side by an older politician and becomes Darth Vader. “George Bush is Darth Vader,” he said. “Cheney is the emperor.”
I was relieved. In “Star Wars” terms, Dick Cheney was more evil than Darth Vader. I hadn’t been hard enough on Vice!
Lucas was on his way to Europe and didn’t have time to elaborate in person. But he sent me this message confirming our conversation: “You know, Darth Vader is really a kid from the desert planet near Crawford, and the true evil of the universe is the emperor who pulls all the strings.”
Ack! This is the same idiot who said that he originally wrote the whole timeline out when he wrote the original Star Wars. Well, George W. Bush was a nobody back then. Lucas probably hadn’t even heard of Bush’s father back then. So he’s obviously lying. But it’s worse than that, the guy is stuck. He can’t do anything else except keep making sucky version of his original work and every time he gets to feeling that nobody’s paying attention to him he says something else stupid about Star Wars.
I’m asking the court that Lucas be kept away from the Star Wars franchise at least for a year. A cooling off period. Millions of former children will thank this court.
April 21, 2009 at 4:05 pm
George Lucas is the Gene Simmons of cinema… or is Simmons the Lucas of rock?
Anyway, I can forgive Lucas for coming back all these years later to botch and smear the Star Wars universe. Drowning Indiana Jones in cheap CGI tricks, lame critter gags and New Age Von Daniken theories, on the other hand, is inexcusable!
Please, Mr. Lucas. You’re ruining it for everyone.
April 21, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Little known THE PRISONER fact: #6 is a STAR TREK man.
April 21, 2009 at 5:05 pm
The Clone War Cartoons are perhaps the best thing to happen to Star Wars since Bobba Fett!
April 21, 2009 at 5:37 pm
Is there a petition I can sign????
My kids love the new Star Wars garbage, but they are basically idiots. I’m kidding, of course 😉
April 21, 2009 at 5:51 pm
hilarious.
April 21, 2009 at 6:29 pm
What the hell’s an aluminum falcon?
April 21, 2009 at 8:41 pm
So which Bush twin is Luke, and which is Leia?
April 22, 2009 at 2:04 am
Don’t you mean, “Lucas Destroys my Childhood…Still!
April 22, 2009 at 7:14 am
If you really want to enjoy episode III (hey – I’m serious!) then you need to see The Backstroke of the West.
There are a couple of naughty words (hilarious in context, I have to say), and of course the priceless warning Palpatine gives Anakin: “The Presbyterian Church like enjoys you not.” (Ain’t that the truth!) It also holds the first recorded Internet appearance of lolcat speak.
April 22, 2009 at 2:42 pm
I laughed my head off with Backstroke.
“Do not waaaaaaannt!!!!!”
April 22, 2009 at 4:57 pm
If it’s any consolation, although he may have “intended” to depict the Bush Admin through his characters, what I’ve been seeing latley, is the new cast of characters in the White House is doing a much better job at fulfilling the roles.
I am taken by one line in one of the films where one character says to the other (paraphrasing) …so this is how a Democracy dies; with thunderous applause.
That is what was going through my head on Inaguration Day.
As an aside. One of the best interviews I’ve seen done by Lucas is the commentary he had for Kurosawa’s film the Hidden Fortress (Criterion Collection). He really wriggles in the seat, wether he was aware of it or not, as it is a total apologia for how much he lifted out of this film to create his own.
I’ve never looked at the films the same way. A rip-off of a 50’s Samurai movie; whoda thunkit?
April 22, 2009 at 7:18 pm
One thing I try to remind myself of is that no matter what changes Lucas makes to his creation, he can never take away my memories of seeing my very first movie in a theater — “Star Wars” (before it became Episode IV: A New Hope). George can’t destroy my childhood…. well, unless he digitally alters all of the blasters to be ice cream cones and makes it so that Alderaan is attacked by the “Not Quite” Death Star’s super-cotton candy dispenser. (“Are you alright?” “I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out from a sugar rush and were suddenly silenced.”)
I also try to remind myself that we are blessed to live in a country where even creative people like Lucas can open their mouths and say something I find to be particularly stupid. I’m sure Lucas would feel the same way about my political leanings.
Like anyone else, George is entitled to his opinion. I am not going to vilify him for expressing an opinion I disagree with, unlike, say, those attacking a certain beauty pageant contestant.