In honor of Tony Blair’s audience with the Pope today, we republish today our speculation on how the conversation should proceed.
Benny: Velcome Prime Minister, vee too offer ze warmest regards and our blessing to ze people of ze U.K. Especially Archbishop Rowan Williams, he always makes me laugh.
Tell me Prime Minister, is it true zat you plan to enter ze Catholic Church after you leave office?
Tony: Well yes, your Holiness, that is currently my plan. I very much look forward to ‘crossing the Tiber’ as they say.
Benny: Oh, zat is very good news Prime Minister. Vee are zo happy to have you come ‘home’. However, Tony, may I call you Tony?
Tony: Uh…..Of course your Holiness….May I call you Benny?
Benny: No. As I was saying Tony, vee are pleased you are coming home to ze Catholic Church, but you need to understand ze rules of za house before you move in.
Tony: Rules? I am not sure I follow, your Holiness?
Benny: Yes Tony, My House, My Rules. Actually, Jesus’ House, Jesus’ Rules. You zee Tony, here in ze Catholic Church, ze killing of ze unborn babies is strictly verboten. Vee can’t exactly warmly receive you into ze Church and having you running around saying zat abortion is, how do ze Americans say it, Hunky Dory. Vee can’t have zat, can vee?
Tony: Well, your holiness, I have always been personally opposed, but I……
Benny: Ah, don’t give me zat ‘personally opposed’ crapola, Tony. Dead Babies is dead babies. Ja?
Tony: I see your point.
Benny: Another thing, Tony. Ze homosexual marriage thing. Marriage is between a man and a woman, ja? Ze church is very much opposed to zis sort of thing. Vee need you to get on board. Ok?
Tony: I don’t know what to say your Holiness.
Benny: I understand. Just think about vat I said. Vee have enough cafeteria Catholics already, vee certainly don’t need any more of those. If you vant to be a Catholic, zen be a Catholic. Anyvay, Think about it and vee vill chat very soon. Have a vonderful day Prime Minister.