After a grueling and expensive study, CMR Laboratories (meaning my brother and I) has discovered a link between children with perfect attendance records and sicknesses that ravage entire schools.

It’s no secret that recently my children all got vomitously and riotously ill. (See here for the story.) Not a cushion, blanket or pillow was unaffected. This was easily the most disgusting sickness to swarm the eastern seaboard of the United States.

So yesterday my daughter gets back in the van after school. It’s her second day back from THE SICKNESS. Yesterday was also report card day and she was holding two awards. The first was a religion award and the other a technology award. (Hey, she could grow up to be a Catholic blogger!?…Nah. No money in it.) But the point of my little story is that she said that only five awards were given. She said that a child named Anthony received the perfect attendance award. I say I don’t remember which kid Anthony was. My daughter was shocked. “How do you not know Anthony,” she said. “He’s practically famous.”

Famous? For what?

“He threw up on Mrs. Chez during music!”


“Uhm…When was this?” I slyly asked.

“About two weeks ago.”


I have now given a name to my pain of the last week. And it is “Perfect Attendance Anthony.”

I bet Typhoid Mary was always punctual too. I bet she showed up everywhere she was supposed to be – every time.

So CMR commissioned a study that investigated the link between children spreading contagion throughout schools and perfect attendance records. And we have deemed that “Perfect Attendance” awards should be renamed, “The Award for Parents Who Send Their Children into School Despite Their Being Sick.”

I know this is probably a slander and I’ll likely be sued, bankrupted, and dragged to debtor’s prison. But you’ve gotta’ admit there’s a connection between the two things. Not every time. But I bet a majority.

So today I’m going to place my daughter’s two awards on the refrigerator above the Pizza place menu. And try to forgive the family of “Perfect Attendance Anthony.” I’m not there yet. But I’m working on it.