News reports say that the first school in the D.C. area named after President Barack Obama opened today as the school year began.
Barack Obama Elementary School opened its doors in Upper Marlboro, Md. This school will have several unique issues:
1) Geography students will be taught there are 57 states.
2) Math students will learn that if you subtract enough you get a plus.
3) No child is allowed to attend any other school, especially private religious schools.
4) No child will put their hand on their heart during the Pledge of Allegiance.
5) The Pledge will actually not be said.
6) Abortions will be available free of charge in the “Don’t wanna be punished with a baby” clinic and performed by the school nurse without parental consent.
7) No official transcripts will be kept on students or ever released.
8) Teachers must say, “Let me be perfectly clear…” before saying something completely confusing.
9) All teachers will use teleprompters.
10) The student chorus will sing “Barack Hussein Obama MMM-mmm-MMM at every event.
11) Jews are only allowed in if they promise not to expand their homes.
12) The cafeteria food stinks because Michelle Obama is in charge of the “Battle Obesity” menu.
13) Children play golf instead of doing their classwork a few days a week.
Bonus: There will be no multiplication table drills because Obama doesn’t believe in drilling.
If you’d like to add any please feel free in the combox. Usually the ones you guys put in the combox are better than mine.
August 23, 2010 at 6:49 pm
Any problems, deficits, etc. will be the fault of the previous principal and administrators going back to whenever…
August 23, 2010 at 6:57 pm
Students who get the best grades will have to apologize to the other students for being "arrogant".
August 23, 2010 at 7:12 pm
LOL @ All of the above!!!
August 23, 2010 at 7:17 pm
20) Officially there mascot is Saul Alinsky and they call themselves the Fighting Alinskys, but all their rivals call them the Fighting Lewinskys.
21) The Student Union is actually a Student Union.
August 23, 2010 at 7:19 pm
Alex @ 11:20, and..and..storytime featured book 'Heather has Two Mommies' will be read by Heather's two Mommies!
August 23, 2010 at 7:37 pm
To KGJ, 2:17 PM, should the mascot costume be a devil ("Lucifer")?
(From Alinsky's famous book: "Lest we forget at least an over-the-shoulder acknowledgment to the very first radical: from all our legends, mythology, and history (and who is to know where mythology leaves off and history begins — or which is which), the first radical known to man who rebelled against the establishment and did it so effectively that he at least won his own kingdom — Lucifer")
August 23, 2010 at 8:25 pm
Upon entry into the school, all students will file past a team of adults and receive the Gardisil vax.
Parents will not be permitted past the metal detector.
August 23, 2010 at 9:07 pm
Wayne @ 1:37 PM, shouldn't "bullies" be replaced with something like "disenfranchised students" or "misunderstood youths" and "bullying" with "misappropriated playing" (or something else)?
August 23, 2010 at 11:12 pm
The school nurse will have a panel to decide which children are worthy of lice removal and which children are outside the parameters of the lice removal plan.
August 23, 2010 at 11:16 pm
A universal bandaid kit will be offered to lower income students, while the other students work to make and pay for the bandaids.
August 23, 2010 at 11:19 pm
A law suit will be brought against all crossing guards who are trying to enforce already existing crossing laws, because pedestrian children should not be profiled.
August 23, 2010 at 11:20 pm
All students will have to pay for the school health plan unless they are from Nebraska.
August 24, 2010 at 3:35 am
All children will be provided with a free breakfast in order to insure they spend as little time in the morning with their families as possible. They will receive education in the morning followed by a free lunch, more education, a free afternoon snack and after school care. If necessary, children will receive free bus transportation to school, and free bus trip to a place close to their home. If the child's parent live in an area not serviced by our bus system, the parents will be reimbursed 50 cents per mile to bring their own children to school for the free breakfast, education, lunch, education, snack, childcare, regime. We want to be sure every child and every family is completely dependent on the government we create. Please don't fight against us. We know what is best for you and your children. We know how to numb their brains with bad or meaningless literature. We know how to hide the true lessons of history. We know how to be sure that your child never believes in anything other than him or herself. (We learned that from Descartes.) Do you really think you can stop us from instilling relativism in your children? Didn't you go to college? Ha ha ha ha ha: You are fools to try!!!
August 25, 2010 at 11:46 pm
The kids do not actually have to learn anything but just be counted 'present'.
And those with the most money win.
August 27, 2010 at 8:51 pm
The children who earn A's will have to give them to the children with F's until everyone has a C average.
Whatever the average is will become a C.