San Francisco Gate columnist Jon Carroll writes his thoughts on dealing with Republicans even though he admits he doesn’t know any. Hilarity ensues. I thought about fisking it but really it’s just so perfect on its own. And by perfect I mean absolutely stupid and ridiculous.

A friend of mine and I were having a leisurely conversation, mostly about back pain and magic, over lunch. He got quiet for a second, and then said: “May I ask you something seriously?”

“But of course.”

“How do you deal with Republicans? I don’t mean the reasonable Republicans we dealt with in our youth; I mean the new breed of know-nothing, reality-is-a-liberal-construct Republicans. How do you control your anger?”

“Well, in conversation, I guess I mostly avoid it. Besides, I don’t know a lot of Republicans. This probably says something about my isolated little Bay Area friendship circles, but I don’t, at least the kind you mean. I know fiscal-conservative Republicans, and I know a lot of libertarians, but Republicans of the kind you mean: I just don’t know any.”

“I see them online.”

“Well, if you’re going to go there, then of course you’ll see them. They dominate the news.”

“No, I mean Facebook. I have some friends, and I just have to challenge them on some of the articles they link to. And ultimately they say, ‘Well, it’s just a matter of opinion,’ and no, it isn’t. What you’re going to have on your pizza is a matter of opinion. Global warming is not one of those things we get to vote on. Creationism is not an issue appropriate for democracy.”

We have know-nothings elected by know-nothings. It has always been true that some politicians are dumber than stumps, handsome and well-groomed faces of one political machine or another. But now we have ill-groomed ideologues who have had their brains tuned to the same channel all their lives.

Or they pretend. That’s always struck me as a possibility. We’re not dealing with stupidity as much as pandering. Maybe these are crafty folks with a fool-the-rubes agenda. The rubes seem to be catching on, with all this union-busting stuff and the tax giveaways, but also maybe not. Pandering remains a part of daily life because it works.

And then there’s the Obama is a socialist/Obama is a Kenyan/Obama has a secret army stuff, all of it coming from the mouths of our elected representatives or those who want to be. Donald Trump, for heaven’s sake. If it were ratcheted just two squares to the left, it would be one of the great satirical moments in modern politics. But no, he’s a birther. And his “Apprentice” show has been getting better ratings since he started sort-of running. How many bozos are on this bus?

But it’s all about Obama. Whatever he’s for, they’re against. See some racism in there? I do, and I disagree with Obama vigorously on both Libya and the decision to let Guantanamo stay open and hold military trials there. The president and I have a true “difference of opinion,” which is not the same as one person telling lies and the other saying, “Wait, those are lies.”…

I’m not saying that Democrats aren’t capable of equally reactionary stands, but the current situation is different in both scale and depth of ignorance. No one up there seems to want to have a role in running the country, merely in maintaining their ideological purity. It’s seriously brainless, which is why I don’t engage. It makes me too nuts, which is like surrendering to the enemy.

How do you talk to those people? How do you avoid the smoke coming out of your ears? It ain’t easy.

Uhm. Maybe if the San Francisco Gate is considering running a piece on talking to Republicans, maybe they could find someone else next time. Maybe someone sane. Or maybe someone who actually knows a Republican outside of their fevered nightmares. Just a thought.

And just so you know, this guy isn’t alone. This is how the left views the non-left. You’re either stupid or faking stupid. Amazing that newspaper circulation keeps dropping, huh? Wonder why.