The NFL has announced that it will cancel all drug and steroid testing in the future but will immediately commence stringent testing for something far more dangerous to the league. The NFL intends to start testing players, coaches and owners for conservatism.
Fresh on the heels of thwarting Rush Limbaugh’s evil plan to run the St. Louis Rams like a plantation, the NFL has decided that even though the Limbaugh threat has been handled, there are rumors that conservatism may still be rampant among some players and management.
“I hold in my hand the names of 54 conservatives in the NFL right now,” claimed a noticeably enraged Roger Goodell at a hastily called press conference this morning.
In a league that forgives and forgets DUI’s, assaults, domestic violence, drug use and even murder it is believed by many that conservatism might be doing more harm to the game than all these combined.
“Even though this is a game where people make themselves human javelins and spear each other as hard as they can and run into each other at top speeds, the NFL should never be about hate,” said Goodell. “We must make sure that hatred is eliminated from the game.”
And most political analysts believe that conservatism equals hatred and those analysts that don’t are likely too blinded by hatred themselves to see the truth.
One NBC football analyst Keith Olbermann said he believes that the game will actually be better once conservatives are found out and forced from the game. “All those penalties of people offsides or late hits, much of that is likely being perpetrated by the win-at-all-cost conservative types…They do it on Wall St everyday and George Bush stole the election in 2000 and 2004 by cheating. These people will do anything to win.”
The Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay (who inherited the team from his Daddy and also denounced Limbaugh) said the intent is to ensure that the NFL is “not divisive.” He said, “We have enough injuries on the field. We don’t need hurt feelings too.”
Liberal bloggers cheered the announcement enthusiastically and added that they would be willing to make up pretend quotes and attribute them to the players accused of conservatism in order to convict them. CNN has already agreed to run them.
Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton both raced to their airplanes to be at the epicenter of this controversy but neither could figure out where that was so both planes sat on the tarmac for hours until they held press conferences from their planes. Sharpton called the fact that it took so long for the NFL to act “a outrage.”
Jackson called for 1/3 of NFL teams to be handed over to him so he could ration them out fairly among minority owners.
And Senator Al Franken and Senator Arlen Specter announced that if the NFL fails to act quickly, the Senate itself could begin an investigation and bring alleged conservatives or those players and coaches with links to conservatism in to testify.
October 19, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Hilarious! Great job!
October 19, 2009 at 3:50 pm
You can't really hold the NFL's feet to the fire for this. On their end it's a simple business decision – Rush makes controversy which they think will be bad for business (personally I think it could be good – think Jerry Jones and the Cowboys – but that's not my decision to make).
I have a much bigger issue with the NFL's support of the Planned Parenthood supporting Komen Foundation.
October 19, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Brian – Good point about the Komen foundation. I couldn't believe the HUGE support for it while I watched some games a few weeks ago!
It's so frustrating that the foundation works with one hand to "cure" breast cancer and with the other hand to fund abortions. And most Americans don't even realize… "Oh, look, they're working for a good cause…"
If you haven't read Limbaugh's article in the WSJ, it's worth your time: The Race Card, Football and Me.
October 19, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Ha ha, hilarious as usual.
I am amazed at the whole Rush Limbaugh flap. I was under the impression that in the United States, people could purchase things regardless of their political opinions.
October 19, 2009 at 5:56 pm
I know this post is a feeble attempt at humor, but the fact is the NFL leans heavily Republican with its political contributions.
From the Free Republic:
"NFL owners, team officials, players and coaches have overwhelmingly favored Republicans with their political contributions, according to a study released Thursday by the Center for Responsive Politics."
"The report, which reviewed contributions dating back to 1989, found that combined contributions from players, owners and officials on 22 of the 32 National Football League teams have given more cash to Republicans than Democrats, and that several teams have given more than 90 percent of their contributions to the GOP."
And, of course, the NFL did not reject Rush. Dave Checketts wants to drop him from the group of investors looking to buy the Rams.
The good news is, he still gets to be a judge at the 2010 Miss America Pageant!
October 19, 2009 at 10:06 pm
I actually think the NFL is acting within its rights in this case. Limbaugh's history with the NFL is not great (especially as regards his statement about Donovan McNabb, which I am sure we all remember).
The NFL is very very particular about its public image, which is why Goodell is so hamfisted when it comes to doling out suspensions. Limbaugh would most certainly bring controversy and negative publicity to a league that really has had about as much bad press as it needs (see: Burress, Plaxico; Roethlisberger, Ben; Cincinnati Bengals, entire roster of).
Plain and simple, this is a business decision.
October 20, 2009 at 1:58 am
After the way his drunken idiot father moved the Colts out of Baltimore in the dead of night on March 28, 1984, Jim Irsay has no business lecturing anyone about divisiveness.
No matter what Peyton Manning does, John Unitas is the greatest Colts quarterback ever.
October 20, 2009 at 3:20 pm
the NFL is afraid of controversial owners? Has everyone forgot about Al Davis of the Raiders?
October 22, 2009 at 11:41 pm
The NFL decides who becomes an owner not the other way around.
All this blowhard (Rush Hudson Limbaugh A.KA. Jeff Christie) has to offer is his money and his opinions, (which in my opinion are on the fringes of racism, one mans opinion). There are many more groups biding for the Rams, not just his group. Lets face it there are more men with money (Marshall Faulk) that will gladly fill the slot and the Rams will win or lose depending on how well they work as a team and not on whether or not Rush is an owner.
As for Vick, well he is a player (he has talent not like you, Rush or I, unless you are a NFL player?) and he served his time and the NFL decided we live in the land of second chances, so why not (I personally don’t like it but, oh well). Life has never been fair (NEWS FLASH!)
Now as to the “Free Speech” argument, I guess many of you like myself heard Rush on Thursday “Almost in tears”, priceless. But the last couple of days he now is in his normal ranting and will continue until someone surpasses him, “Free Speech” continues, so what is being stifled, it simply is not true, of course, you may not have a radio, so you might want to get one.
http://www.chasingevil.org/2009/10/rush-limbaugh-in-his-own-words.html
PS – I am sure someone is working to put the tapes together maybe all you subscribers can help, since you are all about getting to the truth?
PPS- Beauty Pageant Judge – Now I understand why he lost the weight, to find a new wife, creepy.