The NFL has announced that it will cancel all drug and steroid testing in the future but will immediately commence stringent testing for something far more dangerous to the league. The NFL intends to start testing players, coaches and owners for conservatism.
Fresh on the heels of thwarting Rush Limbaugh’s evil plan to run the St. Louis Rams like a plantation, the NFL has decided that even though the Limbaugh threat has been handled, there are rumors that conservatism may still be rampant among some players and management.
“I hold in my hand the names of 54 conservatives in the NFL right now,” claimed a noticeably enraged Roger Goodell at a hastily called press conference this morning.
In a league that forgives and forgets DUI’s, assaults, domestic violence, drug use and even murder it is believed by many that conservatism might be doing more harm to the game than all these combined.
“Even though this is a game where people make themselves human javelins and spear each other as hard as they can and run into each other at top speeds, the NFL should never be about hate,” said Goodell. “We must make sure that hatred is eliminated from the game.”
And most political analysts believe that conservatism equals hatred and those analysts that don’t are likely too blinded by hatred themselves to see the truth.
One NBC football analyst Keith Olbermann said he believes that the game will actually be better once conservatives are found out and forced from the game. “All those penalties of people offsides or late hits, much of that is likely being perpetrated by the win-at-all-cost conservative types…They do it on Wall St everyday and George Bush stole the election in 2000 and 2004 by cheating. These people will do anything to win.”
The Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay (who inherited the team from his Daddy and also denounced Limbaugh) said the intent is to ensure that the NFL is “not divisive.” He said, “We have enough injuries on the field. We don’t need hurt feelings too.”
Liberal bloggers cheered the announcement enthusiastically and added that they would be willing to make up pretend quotes and attribute them to the players accused of conservatism in order to convict them. CNN has already agreed to run them.
Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton both raced to their airplanes to be at the epicenter of this controversy but neither could figure out where that was so both planes sat on the tarmac for hours until they held press conferences from their planes. Sharpton called the fact that it took so long for the NFL to act “a outrage.”
Jackson called for 1/3 of NFL teams to be handed over to him so he could ration them out fairly among minority owners.
And Senator Al Franken and Senator Arlen Specter announced that if the NFL fails to act quickly, the Senate itself could begin an investigation and bring alleged conservatives or those players and coaches with links to conservatism in to testify.